Kate cried out as she lost her hold and was thrown, strangely huddled and small, across the wall to the ground beyond.
Julien whipped Thunderer forward, and the horse sailed gracefully over the stone wall. Julien leaped off his back and ran to where she lay motionless, on her back, the velvet cloak fanned out about her, a soft blanket of deep blue against the hard, rocky earth.
He fell to his knees beside her and quickly felt for the pulse that was beating steadily in the hollow of her throat. Thank God. He felt her arms and legs, then gently eased her into his arms.
Her lashes fluttered and she opened her eyes, filled with dumb fear. “Julien, the child.”
He acted without conscious thought and quickly slipped his hand up underneath her riding habit to the soft shift that covered her belly. He had no practical notion of what he should do, but instinctively he gently pressed his hand against her belly. She was soft and smooth to the touch. “Do you feel any pain? Is there any cramping?” He continued to probe gently with his fingers.
“No, no pain.” She sucked in her breath and gazed at him in consternation. In a voice devoid of emotion she said, “You knew of the child.”
“Yes.” He knew now that he couldn’t keep the truth from her any longer. For better or worse, it was over now. “You remember when you were ill, the morning we left for St. Clair. The landlady at the inn where you rested told me.”
“Ah, Mrs. Micklesfield. Then you also know that the child isn’t yours.” Her words were low and dull. The hopelessness in her voice wrenched at his heart.
“No, sweetheart. The child is mine.”
“Damn you, no more mocking, do you hear me? Is there nothing you don’t know?”
He gently shook her shoulders. “You must listen to me now. I know this will seem incredible to you, but it’s true, I swear it. I was the wild German lord who drugged you, who abducted you. It was I who forced you. I had foolishly thought to teach you pleasure, to make you admit to yourself that you cared for me, indeed, that you wanted me as your husband in every way.”
“Oh, no.” Even as she spoke, memory stirred deep within her. Memory of that man’s hands on her body, his mouth against hers, against her breasts and belly, possessing her, and Julien’s touch the night before, creating in her the same frenzy, the same urgency. That first time, it was as if her body had recognized him, but she hadn’t, she’d been too afraid, too numb with memories that blanked her mind. “I was so frightened last night. I thought I was the most horrid of women to react so wildly. Oh, God.” She pressed her fist against her mouth.
“No, love, don’t think that of yourself, for I knew, as I knew why you came to me last night. I’ve hated myself for the deception, for forcing you to live with this misery. Please, perhaps you can forgive me for what I did to you. I didn’t know what had happened to you, didn’t realize—”
She seemed not to hear his words, and she searched his face with dazed anguished eyes. “But why did you hurt me?”
He drew a deep breath, and for an instant, he couldn’t meet her gaze. The truth, he thought, it must be only the truth now. “When I entered you, I realized that you weren’t a virgin. A virgin has a maidenhead, you see, and you didn’t.
“I thought your fear of me was a sham, that you had given yourself to someone else before me. I cursed you in that moment and sought only to give you pain. I wanted to hurt you as I thought you had hurt me.
“It was only later, that night, when I realized the truth. The nightmare, Kate. My rape of you made you remember, but only in that tortured dream. You spoke in fragmented images of the men, of the cruelty of your father. You became the little girl again and I saw it all through your eyes, saw it all through your pain. You remembered nothing of it the next morning.” He saw in her eyes the gulf of misunderstanding that separated them, and he hurried to answer her unspoken question. “I wanted to tell you, but I knew I couldn’t. Suddenly, you trusted me. I feared the consequences of speaking the truth. That’s why I brought you back to London. I thought, foolishly perhaps, that you would forget.”
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