The Stainless Steel Rat Goes to Hell by Harrison, Harry

Angelina and I were having a relaxed drink before dinner. The twins and Sybil were off somewhere, while the professor was busy in his laboratory. We had a few moments alone. “Any particular way you would like me to kill Slakey in Heaven?” I asked. “Messy and painful. Though he wasn’t really that awful to me. But he was an irritating, fat old git. Cackling with joy when the surgicalbot cut out the implant. Painless really, just messy. He couldn’t have cared less after that. I was just another woman for his slave labor at the tables. That terrible one-eyed robot grabbed me-now that is one piece of rusty iron I intend to dispatch personally-and took me off to the sorting place. One of the other women let me touch a grain she had found and that was that. Unlike those other poor creatures I knew that I could leave at any time, so it wasn’t too awful. I also knew that you would be making a breakout from somewhere somehow as soon as you could, so I didn’t mind waiting. I worked along with the others until I saw you and your friend running away from the robot. That was when I decided that it would be better if we all came back here.” Better! Not a word of complaint about what she had gone through to rescue me. My angel, my Angelina! Words could not express my gratitude, but some fervid kisses did get the message across. We separated when Coypu arrived. I ordered him his favorite cocktail while Angelina went out to do whatever women do when their hair is mussed. “A question, if you please, Professor.” “What?” He sipped and smacked his lips happily. “How are you doing with that little difficulty you had- about not being able to send machines through between the universes? You will recall that when we went to Hell the only weapons that worked were salamis.” “I do recall it-and that is why I instantly tackled the problem. It is solved. An energy cage protects any object you wish from the effects of transition. You have an idea?” “I certainly do. You will remember that my son James hypnotized that old devil Slakey in Hell.” “Unhappily, unsuccessfully. He was too insane to be questioned easily. And there wasn’t enough time to do more.” “What if you had him or any other of the Slakeys here?” “No problem at all then. We have highly skilled psychologists who work with computerized probes that can track thought processes down through all the levels of the brain. Mental blocks can be removed, traumas healed, memories accessed. But we don’t have him here or any of the others. And the one in Hell. We know that he has been there too long. He will die if he is moved out.” “I know-and I’m not suggesting that. Now run your mind back to the adventurous past. You must recall the time war when the Special Corps was almost destroyed?” “Was destroyed!” He shivered and sipped. “You restored us to reality when you won the war. Shan’t forget that.” “Anything to help a friend. But what I am interested in now is the time fixator. The machine you built when reality was getting weaker and people were popping out of existence. You told me that as long as a person remembered who he was he was safe from the effects of the time attack. So you put together the machine that records the memories of an individual and feeds them back every three milliseconds.” “Of course I remember the time fixator-since I invented it. We have plenty in stock now. Why?” “Patience. Then you will also remember that I took your memories with me~ Then, when I had to move back through time again, I let your memories take over my body to build a time helix, the time-traveling machine that is also your invention.” His eyes opened wide as his speedy thoughts leaped to the conclusion that I was slowly building towards. He smiled broadly, finished his drink, jumped to his feet, rushed over and seized my hand and pumped it enthusiastically. “Brilliantly done! An idea that is as good, almost, as one I might have thought up. We take the time fixator to Hell-” “Plug Slakey into it and take a recording. Then leave him there in the flesh-but bring back all of his memories!” Angelina had returned and heard this last. “If you are off on one more interuniversal trip you are not going alone this time.” Said without anger but with an unshakeable firmness. I opened my mouth to protest. Closed it and nodded. “Of course. We’re going back to Hell. Wear your lightest clothes.” “But no salamis this time.” “Quite right. That was an emergency measure-that succeeded I must remind you-that won’t be needed now. We’ll take the marines again, but well-armored and armed this time. To defend us while we make a memory recording of the Slakey in red.” “No troops,” she said. “They would only get in the way. It will be just you and I in a fast armored scout tank. A lightning attack, find the old devil. Then I fight off anyone who gets in the way while you plug his brain into the memory fixator. After that it will be home in time for lunch. Tomorrow?” “Why not? They want me in the hospital today. Some therapy for my bruises and cuts, and a broken rib or two that they are going to put right. Tomorrow morning will be fine.” It was. The body scan showed that two of my ribs were cracked. But microwindow surgery soon took care of them. The incision was so small that all that was needed was a local anesthetic. Since I am always very interested when someone fiddles around with my insides, I insisted upon having a hologram monitor, just like the surgeon’s, so I could watch what was happening in glorious color 3D. The flexible needle snaked in through my skin and on into the bone of the rib itself. Once in place nanotechnology devices poured out of the tip of the needle, a submicroscopic crowd of molecular machines that grabbed the broken bone ends with their manipulators, then held tight onto each other. Micromotors whirred and the broken ends were neatly pulled together. Wonderful. The little machines would remain in place as new bone grew over them. I went right from the operating table to the laboratory where the interuniversal transporter and Angelina were waiting. “I’m ready whenever you are,” she said. She certainly was. Tastefully garbed in a black uniform, all metal studs and grenade clips, black boots-and a heavy weapon holstered on each hip. “Very fetching,” I said, slipping on the backpack that held the time fixator. “How was the test drive in your steel steed?” “Very nice indeed,” she said, patting the armor plate on the scout tank. “Fast, tough, with impressive fire power. More than enough weaponry to cover you in Hell. How was the bone operation?” “Fast and efficient and I’m all mended and raring to go. Shall we?” “In a moment. Before we leave I want to impress on Professor. Coypu a few important facts. Like the fact that we are not setting up housekeeping in Hell and want to be returned here soonest.” “Exactly.” Coypu strolled over from his control console looking decidedly miffed. “There will be no problems with the operation of the interuniversal activator this time, I can assure you of that.” “That’s what you told me when you sent me to Heaven and I almost died with my boots off.” “Improvements have been made since then. Your vehicle has one activator built into the hull while you once again have one in your bootheel. And if worse comes to worse just clutch Angelina tightly-” “Always a pleasant thought!” “-and she will bring you both back.” “I feel relieved,” I said, feeling relieved as I climbed into the scout tank and slammed the hatch. Angelina revved the engines and I gave Coypu the thumbs-up. His image scowled back at me from the communicator screen. “You can turn the engine off,” he said. “We have a small problem.” “How small?” “Well … perhaps I should say big. I can’t seem to find Hell.” “What do you mean you can’t find it?” “Just that. It appears to be gone.”

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