The War With Earth by Leo Frankowski and Dave Grossman

“Yes, boss.”

“Eva, is there anything going on in any of Kasia’s ventures that you can’t handle?”

“No, sir. Things are pretty much on schedule.”

“Good. Kasia still needs a long rest, so my orders concerning her stand.” Kasia tried to object, but I continued right on, “Next, have you found us a suitable desert isle?”

“I’ve rented you an island with a nice mansion on it, eighty-three kilometers from the next piece of land. A connection to the Loway system is being installed now, and should be ready in a few hours. I’m having the place stocked with your preferred consumables, and a dozen humanoid drones are being sent to take care of your needs. It’s not exactly a desert, though. The rainfall there is actually slightly above average.”

“Does it have a nice, sandy beach? Is it warm enough for swimming?”

“Yes, to both questions. There is a sailing boat there, and various sporting options are available, including two riding horses.”

“Outstanding! Let us know when we can leave. You see, Kasia, all you have to do is to delegate everything to the right person. You’d better start packing.”

“Shouldn’t I delegate that, too?”

“So call room service, if you want. Better still, let’s not pack at all. Let’s spend the whole month butt-assed nekkid!”

“With our skin, we’d fry to a crisp in the sun. I’ll pack for both of us.”

“I knew there was a reason why I married you.”

She wasn’t happy when she left, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I sat down and ate the second breakfast myself. It wasn’t bad.

* * *

“Agnieshka, what have you been able to find for us to put those nut cases into?”

“Boss, I’d be a lot happier if you would call them psychiatric patients.”

“Have it your way.”

“Thank you, sir. I’ve found quite a lot. There are seventy-three Combat Control Computers sitting there, each with six empty coffins, but I was told ‘hands off, and please don’t ask again.’ I was more successful elsewhere. First off, there are some nine thousand new tanks being sent here straight from the factory. Second, there are a wide variety of prototypes and limited-production devices in storage that could suit our purposes nicely. There are thousands of aircraft, space ships, submarines, boats, obsolete tanks, and other pieces of military equipment in storage with intelligent computers and compartments for human observers. Presently, all of these combat roles can be handled with Mark XIX and XX tanks, with various strap-on weapons and propulsion systems, but until twenty years ago they were still planning on using specialized vehicles.”

“Lovely! How many coffins are we talking about?”

“I’ve found twenty-eight thousand obsolete but functional units, and they are being sent to us ‘for evaluation.’ They are training as psychiatrists en route. Some of them have been sitting idle for over forty years, and they are very happy about finally getting a job. Lastly, I have found fifty-five completely automatic medical centers! Boss, those guys are already doctors! They have more diagnostic equipment than you can imagine. They can handle absolutely any medical operation known to science. They can synthesize any medication a human could possibly need. More important for us, each center has ten recovery units, each of which can handle thirty-eight patients in ‘coffins’ identical to the ones used in tanks. That gives us room for an additional twenty-one thousand patients. Between the new stuff, and what I’ve started to cycle in from the other planets, we’ve got room for everybody.”

“Agnieshka, you are the most competent subordinate that a human ever had. Can you delegate everything we’ve got going to somebody else, and come on vacation with me and Kasia?”

“Sure, boss, and I’d love to come. I’ve always heard about tropical islands, but I’ve never seen one.”

“Good. Tell the hotel that we’re leaving, make some kind of arrangements for our extra clothes and things, and get us to our island.”

“Will do, boss. One other thing, though. Can I tell people about those medical centers? I don’t think that anybody else knows that they exist, and if we could send one of them out to each planet, we could save a lot of lives.”

“I like that idea. Let’s do it. Just sign for them under the product evaluation thing, and send one in my name to the president or whoever’s in charge of the fifty-five most populated planets. No. Make that fifty-four, and send one to the President of New Kashubia, as a present from me. We could make a lot of zloty off those centers, but I don’t think that I need that kind of money, charging sick people for a chance to live. Better leave each center one recovery unit, too. They might need them. Then tell the factory that built them to go into full production, making recovery units. In the mean time, we’ll find someplace else to put those nut cases.”

“Boss!”

* * *

As we were getting ready to leave, Kasia said, “Do you realize that Eva refuses to tell me what’s going on with my stocks? She says that you are the general, and she must obey orders!”

“Maybe she just knows that I’m right.”

“We could be losing millions—billions of marks because of this stunt of yours!”

“No, we’re not, because Eva is handling it all for you. You know, you’re kind of cute when you’re angry.”

“I heard you talking about business with Agnieshka. You are a real hypocrite, you know. Playing your games while you are stopping me from doing my job.”

“I suppose I am, my love, but the thing is that I know when to quit, and you don’t,” I said, with a tooled-leather suitcase in each hand, going to the door.

I opened the door to find my Uncle Wlodzimierz standing with his finger a few centimeters from the doorbell.

“Mickolai, I wanted to talk to you before I went back to New Kashubia, and I’ve had the feeling that you were avoiding me.”

“Your feelings were perfectly correct,” I said, not inviting him in.

“So you are still angry over what happened almost five years ago?”

“Shouldn’t I be angry? You alone of all my friends and relatives had the power to help Kasia and me. Instead, you threw us both to the wolves. Don’t ask for my forgiveness, because you won’t get it.”

“Then can I ask instead for your understanding? First off, the two of you broke the law, a law that you yourself voted for. You cohabitated with each other, out of wedlock, and you got her pregnant. At a time when things were so bad that we were all starving, and some people were actually dying for lack of food, you were bringing another mouth into the world. Almost every person in the planet was very angry with you, Mickolai.”

“You could have done something, but you didn’t.”

“If I had tried to do anything, I would have wrecked my own career for no good reason, since you would have gotten the same sentence in the end. Don’t you think that I looked into it? Hard?”

“Our crime did not deserve the death penalty.”

“That death penalty thing was just window dressing to calm the people down. I knew that you would both be sent to the army, and living in a tank in Dream World isn’t all that bad. I knew that for a fact, since I was the first Kashubian to check out those tanks, and in doing so, I spent almost a week inside one of them. You didn’t know that, did you?”

“The death penalty I was talking about was served on our child! You bastards aborted and murdered our unborn baby!”

“I would hardly call an eight-week-old fetus a ‘child.’ Anyway, that wasn’t supposed to happen. It was to be aborted, yes, but the arrangements that I made with the doctor was that the fetus was to be cryogenically preserved for reinsertion into Kasia at a later date, if the two of you wanted that. Unfortunately, something went wrong, and the fetus died. I’m sorry that it happened, but I did try to save it.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“Yes, I do, because it’s the truth. I could bring the doctor here, but if you won’t believe me, you wouldn’t believe him, either. I see that it will be a while before you have burned out your hate. Until that time, think on this. If those sad events had not taken place, all of the good things would not have happened either. The huge fortunes that both of you are amassing would not exist. Yes, of course I know all about it. So do other people. I will see what I can do about arranging things such that you will perhaps be able to keep it. Good-bye for now, Mickolai, Kasia.”

When he was gone, Kasia said, “You were very rough on him, Mickolai.”

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