What is the purpose of a relationship? The simplest answer is that the reason for being in a relationship is to be happier than you would be if you were not 353
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in that relationship at all. This is so obvious that it is overlooked by many people.
Every human act is aimed at improving your life in some way, at increasing your level of happiness beyond what it might have been if you had not taken that act or made that decision. The choice of a relationship is therefore one of the most important choices that you make in life. The choice of the right relationship can have more of an impact on your happiness than any other choice you make. The choice of a wrong relationship can do more to destroy your hopes and dreams than any other choice.
Be Honest With Yourself
Apply the zero based thinking question: “If I had not gotten into this relationship or marriage, knowing what I know now, would I get into it again today if I had to do it over?” Asking and answering this question is one of the hardest, yet one of the most important things you ever do.
If you find that you are unhappier inside the relationship than you would be outside the relationship, you owe it to yourself to seriously consider making some changes. Think about how long you are going to live. If you are unhappy in your relationship today, are you prepared to live with this level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction for the rest of your life?
People Don’t Change
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There is a basic rule in human relationships. It is that “people don’t change.”
Both you and every person you meet is a product of their entire lives.
Starting in infancy and early childhood, they were exposed to influences that shaped their behaviors. By their late teens, their values and their personalities are largely fixed. If you ever attend a 10, 20, or 30-year high school reunion, you will be amazed to see that, aside from the signs of aging, the people that you grew up with are very much the same many decades later.
People don’t change. You should never hang your hopes for happiness on the possibility that someone is going to change and become a different person. You have not changed in your entire life. It is not realistic to expect that others might change, even if they want to, or if they promise to. In fact, not only do people not change, but under pressure, they go from bad to worse. They become even more of what they already are.
Evaluate Your Options
If you decide that you would not get into this relationship, knowing what you now know, your next question is, “How do I get out of this situation, and how fast?” Remember, your main goal in life is to achieve your own happiness and to fulfill your potential as a human being. Anything that stands in the way of your becoming the very best person you can possibly be needs to be carefully examined, and if necessary, changed.
One of the most popular plays ever written and performed is Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand. Toward the end of the play, Cyrano is asked 355
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why it is that he has been so intensely individualistic his whole life, not caring about the opinions and criticisms of others. He replies with these words, “At an early age, I decided that in life I would choose the line of least resistance, and please at least myself in all things.”
This is a profound observation. Throughout our lives, because of the desire for approval and the fear of rejection, we bend our personalities and adjust our behaviors so that others will like us and approve of us. We constantly think about what we need to do to be liked and accepted. If we are not careful, we can lose our own personalities and become preoccupied with pleasing other people.
Please At Least Yourself
But this is a dead end. The likes and dislikes of others change continuously, and often momentarily. It is not possible for you to ever do, be or say all of the right things necessary to get people to like, respect and accept you. No matter how hard you try to conform to their wishes, you will always make mistakes, trigger their disapproval, and end up feeling foolish.
The key to happiness is to, “Please at least yourself in all things.” In this way, you can be sure that at least one person is happy with what you do, and the way things turn out. Since you can never predict what will please others, please at least yourself.
One of the marks of the “fully functioning person,” as defined by psychologist Carl Rogers, is that he or she is not unduly influenced by the 356
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opinions of others. A fully mature, fully functioning adult takes the likes, dislikes and the opinions of others into consideration, but then makes his or her own decisions and goes his or her own way. If others do not like or approve of his course of action, he ignores it and carries on regardless.
The key is for you not to worry about what people think of you. The fact is that people are not really thinking about you at all. Most people are so preoccupied with their own problems and concerns that they don’t have time to think about the lives or actions of others. Set your own sails. Play your own game. Determine your own destiny. Do whatever seems to you to be the right thing to do at the moment. Please yourself. Ignore the rest.
Your Time and Your Life Are Precious
Be selfish with your time. Remember, your time is your life, and this life is not a rehearsal for something else. Say “no” to requests for your time that don’t move you toward your own goals and personal aspirations. When you say “No,” people will often express a little disappointment, or even a try to make you feel guilty. Nonetheless, you should stick to your guns. Their shallow disapproval will only last for a few seconds, and then they will be off to someone else to ask them to donate their time or money. And you will be free.
In developing a philosophy of time management, treat your time like money.
Allocate your time at your hourly rate. Use this hourly rate as a measuring tool for everything you do.
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Concentrate your efforts on high value tasks, on tasks that can pay you what you want to earn. If you want to earn $25.00 per hour, continually ask yourself, “Is what I am doing right now the sort of work that pays $25.00 per hour or more?” If it is not, discipline yourself to stop doing it. Discipline yourself to only do work that pays what you really want to earn.
What Makes You Special
You are your most valuable asset. The part of you that makes you distinct and unique is your mind. It is your ability to think and act. Throughout your life you should work at upgrading the quality of your thinking and improving your skills for doing the most important things you do in your work and in your life.
Invest regularly in self-improvement, and in personal and professional development. Continually look for ways to increase the value of your contribution to the people who depend upon you. Dedicate yourself to life long learning. The development of your expertise and skills through hard work and study can do more to multiply your value and your earning ability than almost anything else you can do.
Personal and professional development is an extremely high value use of your time. The future impact of self-study can be immeasurable. By developing an additional skill at the right time, you can often catapult your career to much higher levels. You can jump ahead five years by becoming extremely good at a key skill that is very much in demand at the moment.
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See Yourself as a Role Model
In developing your philosophy of time and life management, see yourself as a role model for others. Discipline yourself to set a positive example of personal efficiency for your staff, your co-workers, and your boss, as well as your family and children.
Imagine that others are looking up to you as a model of personal efficiency.
Imagine that you are the one who is setting the standards for time management and personal effectiveness in your organization. Act as if you are being carefully observed by others in everything you do. This will force you to be far more disciplined and controlled in your daily actions than if you thought that no one was watching.
Keep Your Life in Balance
Perhaps the most important part of both the Psychology and Philosophy of Time Management is your willingness and ability to keep your life in balance. Use your increased efficiency and productivity to create more time that you can spend with the people that you care about the most.