Virginia
Virginia
IAMBS “BUNNY” COOOLER woke on the morning of his father’s funeral with a confused feeling that it was awfully crowded in his bedroom. Ohara, his valet (of the Shimanoseki Oharas, and not to be confused with the Dublin branch of the family) was shaking his sleeve and saying: “You wake up, Missah Bunny! Ah, such important gentermen come see youl” Bunny groped on the bedside table for the sunglasses to shelter his pink-rimmed eyes from the light. Ohara popped them onto his face and then rapidly poured a prairie oyster, a bromo and a cup of black coffee laced with brandy into him. Bunny’s usual rate of morning vibration began to dampen towards zero and he peered about the room through the dark lenses.
“Morning, young Coogler,” said a gruff voice. The outline was that of J. G. Barsax, senior partner of his late father’s firm. A murmur of greeting came from three other elephantine figures. They were Gonfalonieri of First American, Witz of Diversified Limited, and McChesney of Southern Development Inc. If an efficient bomb had gone off in the room at that moment, it would have liquidated eighteen-billion-dollars’ worth of Top Management and Ownership.
“Sony about your father,” Barsax grunted. “Mind if we
sit? Not much time before the funeral. Have to brief you fast.”
Bunny said, “Mr. Sankton told me what I’d have to do, Mr. Barsax. Rise after the ‘Amen,’ lead the procession past the casket, up the center aisle to the limousine exit—”
“No, no, no. Of course you know the funeral form. I’m talking about the financial briefing. Coogler, you’re a very wealthy young man.”
Bunny took off his sunglasses. “I am?” he asked uncertainly. “Surely not. There’s this trust thing he was always talking about to pay me twenty thousand a year—”
‘Talked,” said Gonfalonieri. “That’s all he did. He never got it on paper. You’re the sole heir to the liquid equivalent of, say, three and a half billion dollars.”
Ohara hastily refilled the cup with laced coffee and put it in Bunny’s hand.
“So,” little Mr. Witz said softly, “there are certain things you must know. Certain rules that have sprung up which We observe.” The capitalized plural pronoun was definitely sounded. Whether it was to be taken as royal, editorial, or theological, who can say? They proceeded to brief Bunny.
Firstly, he must never admit that he was wealthy. He might use the phrase “what little I have,” accompanied by a whimsical shrug.
Secondly, he must never, under any circumstances, at any time, give anything to anybody. Whenever asked for anything he was to intimate that this one request he simply could not grant, that it was the one crushing straw atop his terrible burden of charitable contributions.
Thirdly; whenever offered anything—from a cigar to a million-dollar market tip from a climber—he must take it without thanks and complain bitterly that the gift was not hand-wmer.
Fourthly, he must look on Touching Capital as morally equivalent to coprophagia, but he must not attempt to sting himself by living on the interest of his interest; that was only for New Englanders.
Fifthly, when he married he must choose his bride from one of Us.
“You mean, one of you four gentlemen?” Bunny asked.
He thought of J.G.’s eldest daughter and repressed a shudder.
“No,” said Witz. “One of Us in the larger sense. You will
come to know who is who, and eventually acquire an instinct that will enable you to distinguish between a millionaire and a person of real substance.”
“And that,” said Barsax, “is the sum of it We shall see you at the funeral and approach you later, Coogler.” He glanced at his watch. “Come, gentlemen.”
Bunny had a mechanical turn of mind; he enjoyed the Museum of Suppressed Inventions at J.G.’s Carolina estate. The quavery old curator pottered after him complaining.
This, sir, is the hundred-mile-per-gallon carburetor. I was more active when it came out in ’36—I was a Field Operative then. I tracked it down to a little Iowa village on a rumor from a patent attorney; it was quite a struggle to suppress that one. Quite a struggle, sir! But—the next case, please, sir —it would have been rendered obsolete within two years. Yes, sir, that’s when the Gasoline Pill came out Let me show you, sk!”