FRATING GREEN (adj.)
The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.
FRIMLEY (n.)
Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate prelude to dropping down an open manhole.
FRING (n.)
The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.
FROLESWORTH (n.)
Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else doesn’t think you’ve a complete moron.
FROSSES (pl.n.)
The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party given by someone’s parents.
FULKING (participial vb.)
Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.
GALASHIELS (pl.n.)
A form of particularly long sparse sideburns which are part of the mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.
GALLIPOLI (adj.)
Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless. ‘She went suddenly Gallipoli in his arms’ – Noel Coward.
GANGES (n. rare : colonial Indian)
Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)
GASTARD (n.)
Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)
GILDERSOME (adj.) Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after scarcely half an hour.
GIPPING (participial vb.)
The fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth have been put back the right way up.
GLASGOW (n.)
The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.
GLASSEL (n.)
A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which is now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing their suitcases with after the holiday.
GLAZELEY (adj.)
The state of a barrister’s flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all day.
GLEMENUILT (n.)
The kind of guilt which you’d completely forgotten about which comes roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.
GLENTAGGART (n.)
A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusive under licence for British Airways. When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport conveyor belt, you will notice that on the next conveyor belt a solitary bag is going round and round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which has been placed there by the baggage-handling staff to take your mind off the fact that your own luggage will shortly be landing in Murmansk.
GLENTIES (pl.n.)
Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to wholehearted agreement.
GLENWHILLY (n. Scots)
A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.
GLINSK (n.)
A hat which politicians but to go to Russia in.
GLORORUM (n.)
One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.
GLOSSOP (n.)
A rouge blob of food. Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host’s highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.
GLUTT LODGE (n.)
The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge, hence the expression ‘the shit of the dessert’.
GLOADBY MARWOOD (n.)
Someone who stops Jon Cleese on the street and demands that he does a funny walk.
GODALMING (n.)
Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.
GOLANT (adj.)
Blank, sly and faintly embarrassed. Pertaining to the expression seen on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.
GOOLE (n.)
The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.