Adams, Douglas – Meaning of Liff
The Meaning of Liff
by
Douglas Adams
AASLEAGH (n.)
A liqueur made only for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long bottle party when all the drinkable drink has been drunk.
ABERBEEG (vb.)
Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis – from whom a Welsh accent is considered sufficient).
ABERCRAVE (vb.)
To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a bus.
ABERYSTWYTH (n.)
A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.
ABILENE (adj.)
Descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow.
ABINGER (n.)
One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.
ABOYNE (vb.)
To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
ACLE (n.)
The rouge pin which shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of a new shirt. Its function is to stab you when you don the garment.
ADLESTROP (n.)
That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special ‘quick release’ feature which enables the case to flip open at this point and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt’s gearing mechanism.
ADRIGOLE (n.)
The centrepiece of a merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets stands unnervingly still.
AFFCOT (n.)
The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.
AFFPUDDLE (n.)
A puddle which is hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know it’s there when you step on the paving stone and the puddle shoots up your leg.
AGGLETHORPE (n.)
A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.
AHENNY (adj.)
The way people stand when examining other people’s bookshelves.
AIGBURTH (n.)
Any piece of readily identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.
AINDERBY QUERNHOW (n.)
One who continually bemoans the ‘loss’ of the word ‘gay’ to the English language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all until they started complaining that they couldn’t use it any more.
AINDERBY STEEPLE (n.)
One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and saying ‘and I’ll tell you why I ask…’ and then talking solidly for the next hour.
AINSWORTH (n.)
The length of time it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence, also, how long we will have to wait for the abolition of income tax or the Second Coming.
AIRD OF SLEAT (n. archaic)
Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now occupided by Heathrow Airport.
AITH (n.)
The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.
ALBUQUERQUE (n.)
A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to identify yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.
ALDCLUNE (n.)
One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.
ALLTAMI (n.)
The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
AMBLESIDE (n.)
A talk given about the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.
AMERSHAM (n.)
The sneeze which tickles but never comes. (Thought to derive from the Metropolitan Line tube station of the same name where the rails always rattle but the train never arrives.)
AMLWCH (n.)
A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regularly washed and resealed in clingfilm.
ARAGLIN (n. archaic)
A medieval practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant the afternoon he is due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at the castle the squires attempt to raise the drawbridge very suddenly as the knight and his charger step on to it.
ARDCRONY (n.)
A remote acquaintance passed off as ‘a very good friend of mine’ by someone trying to impress people.