“When I called you last September,” he went on with feeling, “I wasn’t going to tell you there was no hope of reconciliation. In fact, when I dialed your number I knew I was running the risk of hearing you say that. And when you never called me back, I was the one who made assumptions.”
“You’re not serious.”
“The hell I’m not.”
“Well, maybe you were wise to make assumptions. After what you did.”
“After what I did?” he asked, incredulous. “What about what you did?”
“The only thing I did was to get sick and tired of making concessions. You never really tried to relocate to Richmond. You didn’t know what you wanted and expected me to comply, concede, uproot myself whenever you figured everything; out. No matter how much I love you, I can’t give up what I am and I never asked you to give up what you are.”
“Yes, you did. Even if 1 could have transferred to the field office in Richmond, that’s not what I wanted.”
“Good. I’m glad you pursued what you wanted.”
“Kay, it’s fifty-fifty You’re to blame, too.”
“I’m not the one who left.” My eyes filled with tears, and I whispered, “Oh, shit.”
Getting out a handkerchief, he gently placed it on my lap.
Dabbing my eyes, I moved closer to the door, leaning my head against the glass. I did not want to cry.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“You’re being sorry doesn’t change anything.”
“Please don’t cry.”
“I will if I want,” I said, ridiculously.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, this time in a whisper, and I thought he was going to touch me. But he didn’t. He leaned back in the seat and stared up at the roof.
“Look,” he said, “if you want to know the truth, I wish you had been the one who left. Then you could have been the one who screwed up instead of me.”
I did not say anything. I did not dare.
“Did you hear me?”
“I’m not sure,” I said to the window.
He shifted his position. I could feel his eyes on me.
“Kay, look at me.”
Reluctantly, I did.
“Why do you think I’ve been coming back here?” he asked in a low voice. “I’m trying to get back to Quantico, but it’s tough. The timing’s bad with the federal budget cuts, the economy, the Bureau’s being hit hard. There are a lot of reasons.”
“You’re telling me you’re professionally unhappy?”
“I’m telling you I made a mistake.”
“I regret any professional mistakes you’ve made,” I said.
“I’m not referring just to that, and you know it.”
“Then what are you referring to?” I was determined to make him say it.
“You know what I’m referring to. Us. Nothing’s been the same.”
His eyes were shining in the dark. He looked almost fierce.
“Has it been for you?” he pushed.
“I think both of us have made a lot of mistakes.”
“I’d like to start undoing some of them, Kay. I don’t want it to end this way with us. I’ve felt that for along time but . . . well, I just didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me, if you were seeing someone else.”
I did not admit that I had been wondering the same about him and was terrified of the answers.
He reached for me, taking my hand. This time I could not pull away.
“I’ve been trying to sort through what went wrong with us,” he said. “All I know is I’m stubborn, you’re stubborn. I wanted my way and you wanted yours. So here we are. I can’t say what your life has been like since I left, but I’m willing to bet it hasn’t been good.”
“How arrogant of you to bet on such a thing.”
He smiled. “I’m just trying to live up to your image of me. One of the last things you called me before I left was an arrogant bastard.”
“Was that before or after I called you a son of a bitch?”
“Before, I believe.”
“As I remember it, you called me a few rather choice names as well. And I thought you just suggested that we forget what was said back then.”