“No, Brigitte,” Azzie said. “I am evil, but I am not cruel to animals. There’s a special Hell reserved for those who are. You see, my dear, these toys must be used with care, and played with in due gravity.”
“It’s no fun if I can’t cut off anyone’s head,” Brigitte said.
So far his plan, which was of that brand of evil termed nasty, was proceeding perfectly.
“Stop sniveling,” Azzie said. “I am going to bring you something special.”
“What is it?”
“Something whose head can be cut off!”
“Oh, Uncle Azzie!” She ran to him and embraced him. “When will I get this something?”
“Soon, my dear, very soon. Be a good girl and play now. Uncle Azzie will return presently with your new gift.”
Chapter 1
Prince Charming and Princess Scarlet set up housekeeping in a modest castle Cinderella had recommended, in a region of great natural beauty on the Rhine. Briar roses grew round about it. Charming converted his shield into a planter for sweet herbs. Good spirits danced around their hearth. Sexy spirits inhabited their bedroom.
“Charming! Would you come here a moment?” Scarlet called.
He looked up from the garden, where he was working away among the organically grown vegetables.
“Where are you, love?”
“In the bedroom.”
“I’m on my way.”
High in the room’s northwestern corner, as he held her, kissed her, and caressed her, an eye opened and regarded them. As they fell upon the big feather bed, watched over by indulgent spirits of the Good who celebrated their part in the glorious Millennium, the eye regarded them for a moment. As he unlaced her blouse and drew it up over her head, the eye winked out.
Chapter 2
Back in his mansion in Augsburg, Azzie turned off his all-seeing eye, one of the last items he’d picked up from Supply.
Suddenly there was a sound from outside. Looking out of the window, he saw a Nameless Horror picking its way up the path. It was vaguely man-shaped, it had one talon in a sling, and it wore an eye patch.
“Hail, Azzie,” the Nameless Horror said.
“Hail yourself, Nameless Horror,” Azzie said. “You have about five seconds to tell me why you have invaded my awesome solitude before I boot your Shapeless Ass out of here.”
The apparition’s eye sockets glowed. Its mouth curled into an approximation of a smile.
“Ah, milord Azzie, you talk exactly as I thought you would! I’ve been so longing to meet you!”
“What the hell is this all about?” Azzie asked.
“I’m your greatest admirer,” the Horror said. “I hope to do great things in the world. At present I am only an apprentice demon, and am serving my time doing Nameless Horror work. But I know that will come to an end and I will be awarded full demon status. Then I hope to be just like you!”
“That’s a laugh,” Azzie said, laughing sardonically, but flattered in spite of himself. “Me, the failure, the loser.”
“You are not up on recent events,” it said, solidifying slightly to improve its enunciation. “The Powers of Evil have decided to grant you a prize extraordinary.” It held out to Azzie a small box. Azzie opened it and found within a small statuette of a stylized demon, done in nasty orange, all except for the eyes, which were colored green.
“What’s this piece of rubbish?” Azzie asked.
“It’s a special award for Best Evil Deed of the Millennium.”
“But what’s it for?”
The Nameless Horror took out a scroll from somewhere within its shapeless clothing. It read, “This is in acknowledgment of a masterful performance at the Millennial Awards Dinner, when the said Azzie Elbub did disrupt and confound the proceedings with various Hateful Visitations, thus proving that, even in defeat for the main prize, viz., direction of man’s destiny for a thousand years, the said Azzie Elbub has shown the effrontery and sangfroid that marks the true “worker in the vineyards of Evil.”
Azzie accepted the award and turned it this “way and that. It was really very nice. It was not the mam prize, “which the Powers of Good had won by default, despite the cathedral fiasco, as a continuation of a previous victory. It would look very nice on his mantel.