“That thrills me, it truly does.”
“Where did you learn to be so sarcastic?”
Jacques meant the question to be teasing, but a bitter smile curved her soft mouth, and her eyes reflected pain. “You learn fast to protect yourself when you’re different, when you don’t dare bring a classmate home because your mother forgets you exist, forgets the world exists. Sometimes she stood at the window for days, literally days. She wouldn’t even acknowledge me.” She stopped. “Could I be like her, Jacques? Because I’m with you, could I be like her?”
“Not in the same way,” he answered as honestly as could. “Some things are so fragmented in my mind, I have to piece together information. I do know most lifemates choose to live or die together. But if a child was in need, the lifemate remaining would see to its well-being, emotionally as well as physically.” He did not tell her of those children given to other couples to raise because the remaining lifemate could not face existence without the partner. They knew the child would be well looked after, well loved, because most Carpathian women miscarried or lost their newborns within the first year of life. “And I know you, Shea. No matter how difficult something is on you, you always see it through. You would not abandon our child the way your mother did you. Our child would be loved and guided every moment of its life. I know that absolutely.”
She caught his arm, preventing him from stepping out into the rain. “Promise me, if we have a child together and something happens to me, you will stay and raise it yourself. Love it and guide it as someone should have me. Promise me, Jacques.”
“A Carpathian child is protected and loved above all things. We do not mistreat children.”
“That is not what I asked of you.”
He closed his eyes tightly for a moment, unable to lie to her. He had been alone too long. He would never want to remain without her. “Lifemates happen to us only once, little red hair.”
“Our child, Jacques. If it should happen, I don’t want a stranger raising it.”
“Sometimes, Shea, another couple, one hungering for a child, is a better choice than a remaining, grief-stricken lifemate.”
Her swift indrawn breath, the slam of a mind block so strong it was frightening, made him realize this was no small matter to her. “Did it never occur to you people that the child might also be grieving? That a parent to comfort it and see it through such a time would be of more value. This need you have to choose death when there is a child or other family members left behind is selfish and morbid.”
“You persist in judging us by human standards,” he said gently. “You have no idea what our bond entails.” His strong fingers laced through hers, and he turned her knuckles up to brush the warmth of his mouth along her soft skin. “Perhaps we should save this discussion for a more appropriate time, when we are safe and we know Byron is also.”
Her eyes refused to meet his. “I’m sure you’re right, Jacques.” Tears burned, and Shea chose to attribute them to her sensitivity to the dawn, not to their conversation.
She followed Jacques down to the timberline without a murmur, carefully keeping a strong block up so that he could not read her mind. She could understand why he felt he would have to choose death should something happen to her. He had been too long alone and could not face life without his anchor. Maybe he was right; maybe he would be too dangerous to the world. But if she had to accept that, she knew that there could be no children in their future together. Eternity was a long time to live with such knowledge. But she could not bring a child into the world, given how Jacques felt. She would never take such a risk.
Shea bit her lip, stumbled a little in weariness. Automatically she grabbed at Jacques’ waistband for support. For one moment she’d thought she had a chance at a normal life, perhaps not normal as others knew it, but with a family structure, a child and husband.