Something clicked against the fallen pillar. Vimes glanced down and pulled the baton out of his pocket. It glinted in the moonlight
What damn good was something like this? All it really meant was that he was allowed to chase the little criminals, who did the little crimes. There was nothing he could do about the crimes that were so big you couldn’t even see them. You lived in them. So… safer to stick to the little crimes, Sam Vimes.
‘ALL RIGHT, MY SONS! LET ‘EM HAVE IT RIGHT UP THE JOGRAPHY!’
Figures bounded over the fallen pillars.
There was a metallic whirr as Ahmed unsheathed his sword.
Vimes saw a halberd coming towards him – an Ankh-Morpork halberd! – and street reaction took over. He didn’t waste time sneering at someone stupid enough to use a pike on a foot soldier. He dodged the blade, caught the shaft, and pulled it so hard that its owner stumbled right into his upswinging boot.
Then he jerked away, struggling to untangle his sword from the unfamiliar robes. He ducked another shadowy figure’s wild slice and managed to make an elbow connect with something painful.
As he rose he looked into the face of a man with an upraised sword–
–there was a silken sound–
–and the man swayed backwards, his head looking surprised as it fell away from the body.
Vimes dragged his headdress off.
‘I’m from Ankh-Morpork, you stupid sods!’
A huge figure rose in front of him, a sword in each hand.
‘I’LL CUT YER TONKER OFF’F YER YER GREASY– Oh, is that you, Sir Samuel?’
‘Huh? Willikins?’
‘Indeed, sir.’ The butler straightened up.
‘Willikins?’
‘Do excuse me one moment, sir KNOCK IT OFF YOU MOTHERLOVIN SONS OF BITCHES I had no apprehension of your presence, sir.’
‘This one’s fightin’ back, sarge!’
Ahmed had his back to a pillar. A man already lay at his feet. Three others were trying to get close enough to the wali while staying away from the whirling wall he was creating with his sword.
‘Ahmed! These are on our side!’ Vimes yelled.
‘Oh, really? Pardon me.’
Ahmed lowered his sword and removed the cigarette holder from his mouth. He nodded at one of the soldiers who had been trying to attack him and said, ‘Good morning to you.’
‘ ‘ere, are you one of ours, too?’
‘No, I’m one of–’
‘He’s with me,’ Vimes snapped. ‘How come you’re here, Willikins? Sergeant Willikins, I see.’
‘We were on patrol, sir, and were attacked by some Klatchian gentlemen. After the ensuing unpleasantness–’
‘–you should’ve seen ‘im, sir. ‘e bit one bastard’s nose right orf!’ a soldier supplied.
‘It is true that I endeavoured to uphold the good name of Ankh–Morpork, sir. Anyway, after we–’
‘–and one bloke, sarge, stabbed ‘im right in the–’
‘Please, Private Bourke, I am apprising Sir Samuel of events,’ said Willikins.
‘Sarge ort to get a medal, sir!’
‘Those few of us who survived tried to get back, sir, but we had to conceal ourselves from other patrols and were just considering lying up until dawn in this edifice when we espied you and this gentleman here.’
Ahmed was watching him with his mouth open.
‘How many were in this Klatchian patrol, sergeant?’ he said.
‘Nineteen men, sir.’
‘That’s a very precise count, in this light.’
‘I was able to enumerate them subsequently, sir.’
‘You mean they were all killed?
‘Yes, sir,’ said Willikins calmly. ‘However, we ourselves lost five men, sir. Not including Privates Hobbley and Webb, sir, who regrettably seem to have passed away as a result of this unfortunate misunderstanding. With your permission, sir, I will remove them.’
‘Poor devils,’ said Vimes, aware that it was not enough but that nothing else would be, either.
‘The fortunes of war, sir. Private Hobbley, Ginger to his friends, was nineteen and lived in Ettercap Street, where until recently he made bootlaces.’ Willikins took the dead man’s arms and pulled. ‘He was courting a young lady called Grace, a picture of whom he was kind enough to show me last night. A maid at Lady Venturi’s, I was given to understand. If you would be good enough to pass me his head, sir, I will get on with things SMUDGER WHO TOLD YOU TO SIT DOWN GET ON YORE FEET RIGHT NOW GET OUT YORE SHOVEL TAKE OFF YORE HELMET SHOW SOME RESPECT GET DIGGINGHA!’
A cloud of smoke rolled past Vimes’s ear.
‘I know what you are thinking,’ said Ahmed. ‘But this is war, Sir Samuel. Wake up and smell the blood.’
‘But… one minute they’re alive–’
‘Your friend here knows how it works. You
‘He’s a butler!’
‘So? It’s kill or be killed, even for butlers. You’re not a natural warrior, Sir Samuel.’
Vimes thrust the baton in his face.
‘I’m not a natural killer! See this? See what it says? I’m supposed to keep the peace, I am! If I kill people to do it, I’m reading the wrong manual!’
Willikins appeared silently, hefting the other corpse. ‘I was not privileged to know much about this young man,’ he said, as he carried him behind a rock. ‘We called him Spider, sir,’ he went on, straightening up. ‘He played the harmonica rather badly and spoke longingly of home. Will you be taking tea, sir? Private Smith is having a brew–up. Er…’ The butler coughed politely.
‘Yes, Willikins?’
‘I hardly like to broach the subject, sir…’
‘Broach it, man!’
‘Do you have such a thing as a biscuit about you, sir? I hesitate to provide tea without biscuits, but we have not eaten for two days.’
‘But you were on patrol!’
‘Forage party, sir.’ Willikins looked embarrassed.
Vimes was bewildered. ‘You mean Rust didn’t even wait to take on food?’
‘Oh, yes, sir. But as it transpired–’
‘We knew there was somethin’ wrong when the mutton barrels started to explode,’ muttered Private Bourke. ‘The biscuits was pretty lively too. Turned out bloody Rust’d bought a lot of stuff even a rag’ead wouldn’t eat–’
‘And we eat anything,’ said 71–hour Ahmed solemnly.
‘PRIVATE BOURKE YOU ORRIBLE MAN SPEAKIN OF YORE COMMANDIN OFFICER LIKE THAT YOU WILL BE ON A CHARGE I apologize, sir, but we are feeling a little faint.’
‘Long time between noses, eh?’ said 71–hour Ahmed.
‘Ahahaha, sir,’ said Willikins.
Vimes sighed. ‘Willikins… when you’ve finished, I want you and your men to come with me.’
‘Very good, sir.’
Vimes nodded at Ahmed.
‘And you too,’ he said. ‘Push has come to shove.’
The hot wind flapped the banners. The sunlight sparkled off the spears. Lord Rust surveyed his army and found that it was good. But small.
He leaned towards his adjutant.
‘Let us not forget, though, that even General Tacticus was outnumbered ten to one when he took the Pass of Al–Ibi,’ he said.
‘Yes, sir. Although I believe his men were all mounted on elephants, sir,’ said Lieutenant Hornett. ‘And had been well provisioned,’ he added meaningfully.
‘Possibly, possibly. But then Lord Pinwoe’s cavalry once charged the full might of the Pseudopolitan army and are renowned in song and story.’
‘But they were all killed, sir!’
‘Yes, yes, but it was a famous charge, nevertheless. And every child knows, do they not, the story of the mere one hundred Ephebians who defeated the entire Tsortean army? A total victory, hey? Hey?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said the adjutant glumly.
‘Oh, you admit it?’
‘Yes, sir. Of course, some commentators believe the earthquake helped.’
‘At least you will admit that the Seven Heroes of Hergen beat the Big–Footed People although outnumbered by a hundred to one?’
‘Yes, sir. That was a nursery story, sir. It never really happened.’
‘Are you calling my nurse a liar, boy?’
‘No, sir,’ said Lieutenant Hornett hurriedly.
‘Then you’ll concede that Baron Mimbledrone single-handedly beat the armies of the Plum Pudding Country and ate their Sultana?’
‘I envy him, sir.’ The lieutenant looked at the lines again. The men were very hungry, although Rust would probably have called them sleek. Things would have been even worse if it hadn’t been for the fortuitous shower of boiled lobsters on the way over. ‘Er… you don’t think, sir, since we have a little time in hand, we should look to the disposition of the men, sir?’
‘They look well disposed to me. Plucky men, eager to be at the fray!’
‘Yes, sir. I meant… more… well… positioned, sir.’
‘Nothing wrong with ’em, man. Beautifully lined up! Hey? A wall of steel poised to thrust at the black heart of the Klatchian aggressor!’
‘Yes, sir. But – and I realize this is a remote chance, sir it might be that while we’re thrusting at the heart of the Klatchian aggressor––’
‘––black heart–’ Rust corrected him.
‘––black heart of the Klatchian aggressor, sir, the arms of the Klatchian aggressor, those companies there and there, sir, will sweep around in the classic pincer movement.’
‘The thrusting wall of steel served us magnificently in the second war with Quirm!’
‘We lost that one, sir.’