So may it come, thy master, whom thou lovest,
Shall find thee full of labours.
Horns within. Enter KING LEAR, Knights, and Attendants
KING LEAR Let me not stay a jot for dinner; go get it ready.
Exit an Attendant
How now! what art thou?
KENT A man, sir.
KING LEAR What dost thou profess? what wouldst thou with us?
KENT I do profess to be no less than I seem; to serve
him truly that will put me in trust: to love him
that is honest; to converse with him that is wise,
and says little; to fear judgment; to fight when I
cannot choose; and to eat no fish.
KING LEAR What art thou?
KENT A very honest-hearted fellow, and as poor as the king.
KING LEAR If thou be as poor for a subject as he is for a
king, thou art poor enough. What wouldst thou?
KENT Service.
KING LEAR Who wouldst thou serve?
KENT You.
KING LEAR Dost thou know me, fellow?
KENT No, sir; but you have that in your countenance
which I would fain call master.
KING LEAR What’s that?
KENT Authority.
KING LEAR What services canst thou do?
KENT I can keep honest counsel, ride, run, mar a curious
tale in telling it, and deliver a plain message
bluntly: that which ordinary men are fit for, I am
qualified in; and the best of me is diligence.
KING LEAR How old art thou?
KENT Not so young, sir, to love a woman for singing, nor
so old to dote on her for any thing: I have years
on my back forty eight.
KING LEAR Follow me; thou shalt serve me: if I like thee no
worse after dinner, I will not part from thee yet.
Dinner, ho, dinner! Where’s my knave? my fool?
Go you, and call my fool hither.
Exit an Attendant
Enter OSWALD
You, you, sirrah, where’s my daughter?
OSWALD So please you,–
Exit
KING LEAR What says the fellow there? Call the clotpoll back.
Exit a Knight
Where’s my fool, ho? I think the world’s asleep.
Re-enter Knight
How now! where’s that mongrel?
Knight He says, my lord, your daughter is not well.
KING LEAR Why came not the slave back to me when I called him.
Knight Sir, he answered me in the roundest manner, he would
not.
KING LEAR He would not!
Knight My lord, I know not what the matter is; but, to my
judgment, your highness is not entertained with that
ceremonious affection as you were wont; there’s a
great abatement of kindness appears as well in the
general dependants as in the duke himself also and
your daughter.
KING LEAR Ha! sayest thou so?
Knight I beseech you, pardon me, my lord, if I be mistaken;
for my duty cannot be silent when I think your
highness wronged.
KING LEAR Thou but rememberest me of mine own conception: I
have perceived a most faint neglect of late; which I
have rather blamed as mine own jealous curiosity
than as a very pretence and purpose of unkindness:
I will look further into’t. But where’s my fool? I
have not seen him this two days.
Knight Since my young lady’s going into France, sir, the
fool hath much pined away.
KING LEAR No more of that; I have noted it well. Go you, and
tell my daughter I would speak with her.
Exit an Attendant
Go you, call hither my fool.
Exit an Attendant
Re-enter OSWALD
O, you sir, you, come you hither, sir: who am I,
sir?
OSWALD My lady’s father.
KING LEAR ‘My lady’s father’! my lord’s knave: your
whoreson dog! you slave! you cur!
OSWALD I am none of these, my lord; I beseech your pardon.
KING LEAR Do you bandy looks with me, you rascal?
Striking him
OSWALD I’ll not be struck, my lord.
KENT Nor tripped neither, you base football player.
Tripping up his heels
KING LEAR I thank thee, fellow; thou servest me, and I’ll
love thee.
KENT Come, sir, arise, away! I’ll teach you differences:
away, away! if you will measure your lubber’s
length again, tarry: but away! go to; have you
wisdom? so.
Pushes OSWALD out
KING LEAR Now, my friendly knave, I thank thee: there’s
earnest of thy service.
Giving KENT money
Enter Fool
Fool Let me hire him too: here’s my coxcomb.
Offering KENT his cap
KING LEAR How now, my pretty knave! how dost thou?
Fool Sirrah, you were best take my coxcomb.
KENT Why, fool?
Fool Why, for taking one’s part that’s out of favour:
nay, an thou canst not smile as the wind sits,
thou’lt catch cold shortly: there, take my coxcomb:
why, this fellow has banished two on’s daughters,
and did the third a blessing against his will; if
thou follow him, thou must needs wear my coxcomb.
How now, nuncle! Would I had two coxcombs and two daughters!
KING LEAR Why, my boy?
Fool If I gave them all my living, I’ld keep my coxcombs
myself. There’s mine; beg another of thy daughters.
KING LEAR Take heed, sirrah; the whip.
Fool Truth’s a dog must to kennel; he must be whipped
out, when Lady the brach may stand by the fire and stink.
KING LEAR A pestilent gall to me!
Fool Sirrah, I’ll teach thee a speech.
KING LEAR Do.
Fool Mark it, nuncle:
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest;
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
KENT This is nothing, fool.
Fool Then ’tis like the breath of an unfee’d lawyer; you
gave me nothing for’t. Can you make no use of
nothing, nuncle?
KING LEAR Why, no, boy; nothing can be made out of nothing.
Fool [To KENT]
Prithee, tell him, so much the rent of
his land comes to: he will not believe a fool.
KING LEAR A bitter fool!
Fool Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a
bitter fool and a sweet fool?
KING LEAR No, lad; teach me.
Fool That lord that counsell’d thee
To give away thy land,
Come place him here by me,
Do thou for him stand:
The sweet and bitter fool
Will presently appear;
The one in motley here,
The other found out there.
KING LEAR Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Fool All thy other titles thou hast given away; that
thou wast born with.
KENT This is not altogether fool, my lord.
Fool No, faith, lords and great men will not let me; if
I had a monopoly out, they would have part on’t:
and ladies too, they will not let me have all fool
to myself; they’ll be snatching. Give me an egg,
nuncle, and I’ll give thee two crowns.
KING LEAR What two crowns shall they be?
Fool Why, after I have cut the egg i’ the middle, and eat
up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou
clovest thy crown i’ the middle, and gavest away
both parts, thou borest thy ass on thy back o’er
the dirt: thou hadst little wit in thy bald crown,
when thou gavest thy golden one away. If I speak
like myself in this, let him be whipped that first
finds it so.
Singing
Fools had ne’er less wit in a year;
For wise men are grown foppish,
They know not how their wits to wear,
Their manners are so apish.
KING LEAR When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?
Fool I have used it, nuncle, ever since thou madest thy
daughters thy mothers: for when thou gavest them
the rod, and put’st down thine own breeches,
Singing
Then they for sudden joy did weep,
And I for sorrow sung,
That such a king should play bo-peep,
And go the fools among.
Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach
thy fool to lie: I would fain learn to lie.
KING LEAR An you lie, sirrah, we’ll have you whipped.
Fool I marvel what kin thou and thy daughters are:
they’ll have me whipped for speaking true, thou’lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o’ thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle; thou hast pared thy wit o’ both sides,
and left nothing i’ the middle: here comes one o’
the parings.
Enter GONERIL
KING LEAR How now, daughter! what makes that frontlet on?
Methinks you are too much of late i’ the frown.
Fool Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no need to
care for her frowning; now thou art an O without a
figure: I am better than thou art now; I am a fool,
thou art nothing.
To GONERIL
Yes, forsooth, I will hold my tongue; so your face
bids me, though you say nothing. Mum, mum,