Pratchett, Terry – Discworld 23 – Carpe Jugulum

‘I have always found that if I put my trust in Om a way will be found,’ said Oats, hurrying after her.

‘I reckon Om helps those who helps themselves,’ said Granny.

Through the town of Escrow the windows glowed as lamps were lit and there was the sound of doors being unbolted. Over all, the bell went on ringing out through the fog.

‘Normally we congregate in the town square,’ said Vlad.

‘It’s the middle of the night!’ said Agnes.

‘Yes, but it doesn’t happen very often, and our covenant says never more than twice in a month,’ said Vlad. ‘Do you see how prosperous the place is? People are safe in Escrow. They’ve seen reason. No shutters on the windows, do you see? They don’t have to bar their windows or hide in the cellar, which I have to admit is what people do in the . . . less well regulated areas of our country. They exchanged fear for security. They-‘ He stumbled, and steadied himself against a wall. Then he rubbed his forehead. ‘Sorry. I felt a little . . . strange. What was I saying?’

‘How should I know?’ snapped Agnes. ‘You were talking about how happy everyone is because the vampires visit, or something.’

‘Oh, yes. Yes. Because of co-operation, not enmity. Because. . .’ he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his face ‘. . . because . . . well, you’ll see . . . is it rather cold here?’

‘Just clammy,’ said Agnes.

‘Let’s get to the square,’ Vlad muttered. ‘I’m sure I shall feel better.’

It was just ahead. Torches had been lit. People had congregated there, most of them with blankets across their shoulders or a coat over their night clothes, standing around in aimless groups like people who’d heard the fire alarm but hadn’t seen the smoke.

One or two of them caught sight of Vlad and there was a certain amount of coughing and shuffling.

Other vampires were descending through the mist. The Count landed gently and nodded to Agnes.

‘Ah, Miss Nitt,’ he said vaguely. ‘Are we all here, Vlad?’

The bell stopped. A moment later Lacrimosa descended.

‘You’ve still got her?’ she said to Vlad, raising her eyebrows. ‘Oh, well . . .’

‘I will just have a brief chat to the mayor,’ said the Count. ‘He appreciates being kept informed.’

Agnes watched him walk towards a small, dumpy man who, despite getting out of bed in the middle of a wet night, seemed to have had the foresight to put on a gold chain of office.

She noticed the vampires taking up positions in a line in front of the bell tower, about four or five feet apart. They joked and called out to one another, except for Lacrimosa, who was glaring directly at her.

The Count was deep in conversation with the mayor, who was staring down at his feet.

Now, across the square, the people were beginning to form lines. A couple of small children pulled away from their parents’ hands and chased one another up and down the lines of people, laughing.

And the suspicion bloomed slowly in Agnes like a great black, red-edged rose.

Vlad must have felt her body stiffen, because

his grip tightened on her arm.

‘I know what you’re thinking-‘ he began.

‘You don’t know what I’m thinking but I’ll tell you what I’m thinking,’ she said, trying to keep the tremble out of her voice. ‘You’re-‘

‘Listen, it could be so much worse, it used to be so much worse-‘

The Count bustled. ‘Good news,’ he said, ‘Three children have just turned twelve.’ He smiled at Agnes. ‘We have a little . . . ceremony, before the main lottery. A rite of passage, as it were. I think they look forward to it, to tell you the truth.’

He’s watching you to see how you react, said Perdita. Vlad is just stupid and Lacrimosa would weave your hair into a face flannel if she had the chance but this one will go for the throat if you so much as blink at the wrong time . . . so don’t blink at the wrong time, thank you, because even figments of the imagination want to live. . .

But Agnes felt the terror rising around her. And it was wrong, the wrong kind of terror, a numbing, cold, sick feeling that froze her where she stood. She had to do something, do anything, break its horrible grip

it was Vlad who spoke.

‘It’s nothing dramatic,’ he said quickly. ‘A little drop of blood . . . Father went to the school and explained all about citizenship. . .’

‘How nice,’ she croaked. ‘Do they get a badge?’ It must have been Perdita behind that; she couldn’t imagine Agnes being so tasteless, even in the cause of sarcasm.

‘Hah, no. But what a good idea,’ said the Count, giving her another quick smile. ‘Yes . . . perhaps a badge, or a small plaque. Something to be treasured in later life. I shall make a mental note of this. And so . . . let us begin. Ah, the mayor has assembled the dear children . . .’

There was a shout somewhere at the back of the crowd and, for a moment, Agnes caught sight of a man trying to press forward. The mayor nodded at a couple of the nearby men. They hurried back into the crowd. There was a scuffle in the shadows. She thought she heard a woman’s scream, suddenly muffled. A door slammed.

As the mayor turned back, he met Agnes’s stare. She looked away, not wanting to see that expression. People were good at imagining hells, and some they occupied while they were alive.

‘Shall we get on?’ said the Count.

‘Will you let go of my arm, Vlad?’ said Agnes sweetly.

They’re just waiting for you to react, whispered Perdita. Oh, said Agnes inside her head, so I should just stand here and watch? Like everybody else? I just thought I’d point it out. What’s been done to them? They’re like pigs queuing for Hogswatch! I think they saw reason, said Agnes. Oh well . . . just wipe that smile off Lacrimosa’s face, that’s all I ask. . .

They could move very fast. Even a scream wouldn’t work. She might be able to get in one good wallop, and that would be it. And perhaps she’d wake up as a vampire, and not know the difference between good and evil. But that wasn’t the point. The point was here and now, because here and now she did.

She could see every drop of moisture hanging in the air, smell the wood smoke from damped-down fires, hear the rats in the thatch of the houses. Her senses were working overtime, to make the most of the last few seconds

‘I don’t see why!’ Lacrimosa’s voice cut through the mist like a saw.

Agnes blinked. The girl had reached her father and was glaring at him.

‘Why do you always start?’ she demanded.

‘Lacrimosa! What has got into you? I am the head of the clan!’

‘Oh, really? For ever?’

The Count looked astonished. ‘Well, yes. Of course!’

‘So we’ll always be pushed around by you, for ever? We’ll just be your children for ever?’

‘My dear, what do you think you-‘

‘And don’t try that voice on me! That only works on the meat! So I’ll be sent to my room for being disobedient for ever?’

‘We did let you have your own rack-‘

‘Oh, yes! And for that I have to nod and smile and be nice with meat?’

‘Don’t you dare talk to your father like that!’ screamed the Countess.

‘And don’t talk about Agnes like that!’ snarled Vlad.

‘Did I use the word Agnes? Did I refer to her in any way?’ said Lacrimosa, coldly. ‘I don’t believe I did. I wouldn’t dream of mentioning her at all.’

‘I can’t be having with this arguing!’ shouted the Count.

‘That’s it, isn’t it?’ said Lacrimosa. ‘We don’t argue! We just do what you say, for ever.’

‘We agreed-‘

‘No, you agreed, and no one disagreed with you. Vlad was right!’

‘Indeed?’ said the Count, turning to his son. ‘Right about what, prey?’

Vlad’s mouth opened and shut once or twice as he hastily assembled a coherent sentence. ‘I may have mentioned that the whole Lancre business might be considered unwise-‘

‘Oh,’ said the Countess. ‘You know so much about wisdom all of a sudden and you’re barely two hundred?’

‘Unwise?’ said the Count.

‘I’d say stupid!’ said Lacrimosa. ‘Little badges? Gifts? We don’t give anything! We’re vampires! We take what we want, like this-‘

She reached out, grabbed a man standing near her, and turned, mouth open and hair flying.

And stopped, as if she’d been frozen.

Then she buckled, one hand reaching for her throat, and glared at her father.

‘What . . . did you do?’ she gasped. ‘My throat . . . feels . . . You did something!’

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