‘How could you have been so-‘ Lacrimosa began, and to her shock got a slap across the face from her father.
‘All we need to do is remain calm,’ said the Count. ‘There’s no need to panic.’
‘You struck me!’
‘And most satisfying it was, too,’ said the Count. ‘Careful thought is what will save us. That is why we will survive.’
‘It’s not working!’ said Lacrimosa. ‘I’m a vampire! I’m supposed to crave blood! And all I can think about is a cup of tea with three sugars in it, whatever the hell that is! That old woman’s doing something to us, can’t you see?’
‘Not possible,’ said the Count. ‘Oh, she’s sharp for a human, but I don’t reckon there’s any way she could get into your head or mine-‘
‘You’re even talkin’ like her!’ shouted Lacrimosa.
‘Be resolute, my dear,’ said the Count. ‘Remember – that which does not kill us can only make us stronger.’
‘And that which does kill us leaves us dead!’ snarled Lacrimosa. ‘You saw what happened to the others! You got your fingers burned!’
‘A moment’s lapse of concentration,’ said the Count. ‘That old witch is not a threat. She’s a vampire. Subservient to us. She’ll be seeing the world differently-‘
‘Are you mad? Something killed Cryptopher.’
‘He let himself be frightened.’
The rest of the family looked at the Count. Vlad and Lacrimosa exchanged a glance.
‘I am supremely confident,’ said the Count. His smile looked like a death mask, waxen and disturbingly tranquil. ‘My mind is like a rock. My nerve is firm. A vampire with his wits about him, or her, of course, can never be defeated. Didn’t I teach you this? What’s this one?’
His hand flew from his pocket, holding a square of white cardboard.
‘Oh, Father, this is really no time for-‘ Lacrimosa froze, then jerked her arm in front of her face. ‘Put it away! Put it away! it’s the Agatean Chlong of Destiny!’
‘Exactly, which is merely three straight lines and two curved lines pleasantly arranged which-‘
‘-I’d never have known about if you hadn’t told me, you old fool!’ screamed the girl, backing away.
The Count turned to his son.
‘And do you-‘ he began. Vlad sprang back, putting his hand over his eyes.
‘It hurts!’ he shouted.
‘Dear me, the two of you haven’t been practising-‘ the Count began, and turned the card around so that he could look at it.
He screwed up his eyes and turned his face away.
‘What have you done to us?!’ Lacrimosa screamed. ‘You’ve taught us how to see hundreds of the damned holy things! They’re everywhere! Every religion has a different one! You taught us that, you stupid bastard! Lines and crosses and circles . . . Oh, my. . .’ She caught sight of the stone wall behind her astonished brother and shuddered. ‘Everywhere I look I see something holy! You’ve taught us to see patterns!’ she snarled at her father, teeth exposed.
‘It’ll be dawn soon,’ said the Countess nervously. ‘Will it hurt?’
‘It won’t! Of course it won’t!’ shouted Count Magpyr, as the others glanced up at the pale light coming through a high window. ‘It’s a learned psychochromatic reaction! A superstition! It’s all in the mind!’
‘What else is in our minds, Father?’ said Vlad coldly.
The Count was circling, trying to keep an eye on Lacrimosa. The girl was flexing her fingers and snarling.
‘I said-‘
‘Nothing’s in our minds that we didn’t put there!’ the Count roared. ‘I saw that old witch’s mind! It’s weak. She relies on trickery! She couldn’t possibly find a way in! I wonder if there are other agendas here?’
He bared his teeth at Lacrimosa.
The Countess fanned herself desperately. ‘Well, I think we’re all getting a little bit overexcited,’ she said. ‘I think we should all settle down and have a nice cup of . . . a nice . . . of tea . . . a cup of . . .’
‘We’re vampires!’ Lacrimosa shouted.
‘Then let’s act like them!’ screamed the Count.
Agnes opened her eyes, kicked up, and the man with the hammer and stake lost all interest in vampires and in consciousness as well.
‘Whsz-‘ Agnes removed from her mouth what was, this time, a fig. ‘Can you get it into your stupid heads that I’m not a vampire? And this isn’t a lemon. It’s a fig. And I’d watch that bloke with the stake. He’s altogether too keen on it. I reckon there’s some psychology there-‘
‘I wouldn’t have let him use it,’ said Piotr, close by her ear. ‘But you did act very odd and then you just collapsed. So we thought we’d better see what woke up.’
He stood up. The citizens of Escrow stood watching among the trees, their faces gaunt in the flickering torchlight.
‘It’s all right, she’s still not one,’ he said. There was some general relaxation.
You really have changed, said Perdita.
‘You’re not affected?’ said Agnes. She felt as if she was on the end of a string with someone jerking the other end.
No. I’m the bit of you that watches, remember?
‘What?’ said Piotr.
‘I really, really hope this wears off,’ said Agnes. ‘I keep tripping over my own feet! I’m walking wrong! My whole body feels wrong!’
‘Er . . . can we go on to the castle?’ said Piotr.
‘She’s already there,’ said Agnes. ‘I don’t know how, but-‘
She stopped and looked at the worried faces, and for a moment she found herself thinking in the way Granny Weatherwax thought.
‘Yes,’ she said, more slowly. ‘I reckon . . . I mean, I think we ought to get there right away. People have to kill their own vampires.’
Nanny hurried down the steps again.
‘I told you!’ she said. ‘That’s Esme Weatherwax down there, that is. I told you! I knew she was just biding her time! Hah, I’d like to see the bloodsucker who could put one over on her!’
‘I wouldn’t,’ said Igor, fervently.
Nanny stepped over a vampire who hadn’t noticed, in the shadows, a cunning combination of a tripwire, a heavy weight and a stake, and opened a door into the courtyard.
‘Coo-ee, Esme!’
Granny Weatherwax pushed Oats away and stepped forward.
‘Is the baby all right?’ she said.
‘Magrat and Es . . . young Esme are locked up in the crypt. It’s a very strong door,’ said Nanny.
‘And Thcrapth ith guarding them,’ said Igor. ‘He’th a wonderful guard dog.’
Granny raised her eyebrows and looked Igor up and down.
‘I don’t think I know this . . . these gentlemen,’ she said.
‘Oh, this is Igor,’ said Nanny. ‘A man of many parts.’
‘So it seems,’ said Granny.
Nanny glared at Mightily Oats. ‘What did you bring him for?’ she said.
‘Couldn’t seem to shake him off,’ said Granny.
‘I always try hiding behind the sofa, myself,’ said Nanny. Oats looked away.
There was a scream from somewhere on the battlements. The phoenix had spotted another vampire.
‘All over now bar sweeping up the dust, then,’ said Nanny. ‘They didn’t seem very smart-‘
‘The Count’s still here,’ said Granny flatly.
‘Oh, I vote we just set fire to the place and go home,’ said Nanny. ‘It’s not as though he’ll be coming back to Lancre in a hurry-‘
‘There’th a crowd coming,’ said Igor.
‘I can’t hear anything,’ said Nanny.
‘I’ve got very good ear’th,’ said Igor.
‘Ah, well, of course some of us don’t get to choose,’ said Nanny.
There was a clattering of footsteps across the bridge and people were suddenly swarming over the rubble.
‘Isn’t that Agnes?’ said Nanny. Normally there’d be no mistaking the figure advancing across the courtyard, but there was something about the walk, the way every foot thudded down as though the boots were not on speaking terms with the earth. And the arms, too, swung in a way-
‘I can’t be having with this!’ Agnes shouted, marching up to Granny. ‘I can’t think straight. It’s you, isn’t it?’
Granny reached out and touched the wounds on her neck.
‘Ah, I see,’ she said. ‘One of them bit you, yes?’
‘Yes! And somehow you spoke to me!’
‘Not me. That was something in your blood talkin’, I reckon,’ said Granny. ‘Who’re all these people? Why’s that man trying to set fire to the wall? Don’t he know stone don’t burn?’
‘Oh, that’s Claude, he’s a bit single minded. Just let me know if he picks up a stake, will you? Look, they’re from Escrow, it’s a town not far away . . . The Magpyrs treated them like . . . well . . . pets. Farm animals! Just like they were trying to do back home!’
‘We ain’t leaving until we’ve dealt with the Count,’ said Granny. ‘Otherwise he’ll be sneaking back-‘
‘Er, excuse me,’ said Oats, who seemed to have been thinking about something. ‘Excuse me, but did someone mention that the Queen was locked up in the crypt?’