With seven funny little men,

Each one not more than three foot ten,

Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them.

These Seven Dwarfs , though awfully nice,

Were guilty of one shocking vice –

They squandered all of their resources

At the race-track backing horses.

(When they hadn’t backed a winner,

None of them got any dinner.)

One evening, Snow-White said,

‘Look here, ‘I think I’ve got a great idea.

‘Just leave it all to me, okay?

‘And no more gambling till I say.’

That very night, at eventide,

Young Snow-White hitched another ride,

And then, when it was very late,

She slipped in through the Palace gate.

The King was in his counting house

Counting out his money,

The Queen was in the parlour

Eating bread and honey,

The footmen and the servants slept

So no one saw her as she crept

On tip-toe through the mighty hall

And grabbed THE MIRROR off the wall.

As soon as she had got it home,

She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome)

To ask it what he wished to know.

‘Go on!’ she shouted. ‘Have a go!’

He said, ‘Oh Mirror, please don’t joke!

‘Each one of us is stony broke!

‘Which horse will win tomorrow’s race,

‘The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase?’

The Mirror whispered sweet and low,

‘The horse’s name is Mistletoe.’

The Dwarfs went absolutely daft,

They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft,

Then rushed away to raise some dough

With which to back old Mistletoe.

They pawned their watches, sold the car,

They borrowed money near and far,

(For much of it they had to thank

The manager of Barclays Bank.)

They went to Ascot and of course

For once they backed the winning horse.

Thereafter, every single day,

The Mirror made the bookies pay.

Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share,

And each was soon a millionaire,

Which shows that gambling’s not a sin

Provided that you always win.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS

This famous wicked little tale

Should never have been put on sale.

It is a mystery to me

Why loving parents cannot see

That this is actually a book

About a brazen little crook.

Had I the chance I wouldn’t fail

To clap young Goldilocks in jail.

Now just imagine how you’d feel

If you had cooked a lovely meal,

Delicious porridge, steaming hot,

Fresh coffee in the coffee-pot,

With maybe toast and marmalade,

The table beautifully laid,

One place for you and one for dad,

Another for your little lad.

Then dad cries, ‘Golly-gosh! Gee-whizz!

‘Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!

‘Let’s take a walk along the street

‘Until it’s cool enough to eat.’

He adds, ‘An early morning stroll

‘Is good for people on the whole.

‘It makes your appetite improve

‘It also helps your bowels to move.’

No proper wife would dare to question

Such a sensible suggestion,

Above all not at breakfast-time

When men are seldom at their prime.

No sooner are you down the road

Than Goldilocks, that little toad

That nosey thieving little louse,

Comes sneaking in your empty house.

She looks around. She quickly notes

Three bowls brimful of porridge oats.

And while still standing on her feet,

She grabs a spoon and starts to eat.

I say again, how would you feel

If you had made this lovely meal

And some delinquent little tot

Broke in and gobbled up the lot?

But wait! That’s not the worst of it!

Now comes the most distressing bit.

You are of course a houseproud wife,

And all your happy married life

You have collected lovely things

Like gilded cherubs wearing wings,

And furniture by Chippendale

Bought at some famous auction sale.

But your most special valued treasure,

The piece that gives you endless pleasure,

Is one small children’s dining-chair,

Elizabethan, very rare.

It is in fact your joy and pride,

Passed down to you on grandma’s side.

But Goldilocks, like many freaks,

Does not appreciate antiques.

She doesn’t care, she doesn’t mind,

And now she plonks her fat behind

Upon this dainty precious chair,

And crunch! It busts beyond repair.

A nice girl would at once exclaim,

‘Oh dear! Oh heavens! What a shame!’

Not Goldie. She begins to swear.