He leaned against the wall, taking one of her feet in his hands and digging his thumbs into her sole. “Why are you wanting a family?”
She felt her leg relax in a spasm of pleasure. “I meant it would be … nice to know who my parent was and what she did and where she lived, because she was a whole person and sometimes I feel like I’m just one sixth of one.”
He mused, “I am reading a little bit about chaos theory: many things explained by chaos theory, many new discoveries about it even after centuries! This teaching is that tiny differences in original event can cause great difference in result. So, you and sister clones are each having many little differences, beginning in laboratory, going on into rearing. End result is six differing persons with similar appearance and skills. You are not being them, they are not being you. People have always been having twins, triplets, also clones. They are not being identical people.”
He moved his fingers up to the arch of her foot. “If you really are wanting to know parent, records are letting you find out. All that is being included in records.”
“That’s not what I meant,” she whined. “It’s … I was born to be a dancer, and that’s all I’ve ever known about. I didn’t grow up wanting to be a dancer, I was born one. I didn’t choose to be a dancer, that was already decided. I didn’t even have to worry about whether I’d succeed, everyone knew I would. If I’d had to … explore, to try other things, I’d have had some … I don’t know, some variety.” She heard the snivel in her own voice and silently cringed. Shameful, carrying on this way!
“Female,” he said, almost affectionately, putting down the foot and picking up the other. “You are being female all over. Now to me, who is only being female impersonator, it is not making difference how I get to be a clown so long as I am really wanting to be clown. But you are wanting to try something else so you can have doubts about talents you have?” He shook his head at her.
“Listen, Ellin, in Kabuki, we get persons coming after us. What is the old word? Groupies? It is like singers or actors, persons writing notes, asking are we free for dinner, you know? Mostly, I am not paying attention, but a few times I am going to dinner to meet people. I am seeing me through their eyes, and I am finding this confusing. They are picturing me so differently. Some are men who are thinking they love the woman I am pretending to be. Some are women who think they are loving me, actor, because I am obviously understanding women and they are needing understanding. Some are being as you say, vice versus, backwards, women in love with woman character, men in love with man actor.
“So, I am being confused, and some days I am looking at face in mirror and thinking, who is this? Is this male or female? Is this real person or only actor? Knowing father and mother is no help. They are being them, I am being me. They are not even knowing me. When I was being small boy sent home from school for being jokester, Mother was saying to me all the time she could not figure who I am being. I am thinking every parent is looking at every child sometimes thinking, who is this? So, when I am twelve, I am hearing famous Haraldson song and deciding I am whoever I am wanting to be! Who I am choosing to be!”
“But that’s just it! I can’t choose who to be! I never had a choice!”
He began to work on her ankle, drawing his brows together. “You cannot choose to be horse, or fish, or tree, no. But it is like this. You are like small seed, and this ship is like big wind, and it is blowing seed from small plant far, far away where is no other such plant. And plant is not saying, “Oh, oh, I cannot be oak tree, I cannot be bamboo, I cannot be cactus, I have no choice.’ Plant is not so silly as that. Plant is putting down roots of own self and growing! And while it is growing, when things are difficult, it changes a little bit, so when it is grown, it is not exactly like the plant it was coming from. It adapts.”