Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

He is to be married next week to a girl one hundred and two years old,

who still takes in washing.

They have been engaged eighty years, but their parents persistently

refused their consent until three days ago.

John Wagner is two years older than the Rhode Island veteran, and yet has

never tasted a drop of liquor in his life–unless-unless you count

whisky.

SCIENCE V.S. LUCK –[Written about 1867.]

At that time, in Kentucky (said the Hon. Mr. K—–); the law was very

strict against what is termed “games of chance.” About a dozen of the

boys were detected playing “seven up” or “old sledge” for money, and the

grand jury found a true bill against them. Jim Sturgis was retained to

defend them when the case came up, of course. The more he studied over

the matter, and looked into the evidence, the plainer it was that he must

lose a case at last–there was no getting around that painful fact.

Those boys had certainly been betting money on a game of chance. Even

public sympathy was roused in behalf of Sturgis. People said it was a

pity to see him mar his successful career with a big prominent case like

this, which must go against him.

But after several restless nights an inspired idea flashed upon Sturgis,

and he sprang out of bed delighted. He thought he saw his way through.

The next day he whispered around a little among his clients and a few

friends, and then when the case came up in court he acknowledged the

seven-up and the betting, and, as his sole defense, had the astounding

effrontery to put in the plea that old sledge was not a game of chance!

There was the broadest sort of a smile all over the faces of that

sophisticated audience. The judge smiled with the rest. But Sturgis

maintained a countenance whose earnestness was even severe. The opposite

counsel tried to ridicule him out of his position, and did not succeed.

The judge jested in a ponderous judicial way about the thing, but did not

move him. The matter was becoming grave. The judge lost a little of his

patience, and said the joke had gone far enough. Jim Sturgis said he

knew of no joke in the matter–his clients could not be punished for

indulging in what some people chose to consider a game of chance until it

was proven that it was a game of chance. Judge and counsel said that

would be an easy matter, and forthwith called Deacons Job, Peters, Burke,

and Johnson, and Dominies Wirt and Miggles, to testify; and they

unanimously and with strong feeling put down the legal quibble of Sturgis

by pronouncing that old sledge was a game of chance.

“What do you call it now?” said the judge.

“I call it a game of science!” retorted Sturgis; “and I’ll prove it,

too!”

They saw his little game.

He brought in a cloud of witnesses, and produced an overwhelming mass of

testimony, to show that old sledge was not a game of chance but a game of

science.

Instead of being the simplest case in the world, it had somehow turned

out to be an excessively knotty one. The judge scratched his head over

it awhile, and said there was no way of coming to a determination,

because just as many men could be brought into court who would testify on

one side as could be found to testify on the other. But he said he was

willing to do the fair thing by all parties, and would act upon any

suggestion Mr. Sturgis would make for the solution of the difficulty.

Mr. Sturgis was on his feet in a second.

“Impanel a jury of six of each, Luck versus Science. Give them candles

and a couple of decks of cards. Send them into the jury-room, and just

abide by the result!”

There was no disputing the fairness of the proposition. The four deacons

and the two dominies were sworn in as the “chance” jurymen, and six

inveterate old seven-up professors were chosen to represent the “science”

side of the issue. They retired to the jury-room.

In about two hours Deacon Peters sent into court to borrow three dollars