He leaned forward, swinging his feet back and forth.
“Don’t do that,” I murmured anxiously. “Finish the story. I want to know what happened next.”
He looked over at me then, his tone of voice mild. “I tossed it in the toilet. That’s the only way I could think of to kill it. I couldn’t crush it, so I just figured I’d flush it away. The little thing was half dead anyway and I thought I’d be doing it a favor, putting it out of its misery. But before I could do it, that little tiny hairless baby started struggling. You could tell it was in a total panic, trying to get out of there, like it knew what was happening …” He paused, dashing at his eyes. “Daggett did that and now I can’t get away from the look on his face, you know? I see it all day long. He knew. Which was fine with me. I wanted that. I wanted him to know it was me and his life wasn’t worth two cents. I just didn’t think he’d care. He was a drunk and a bum and he killed all those people. He should have died. He shoulda been glad to go. I was putting him out of his misery, you know? So why’d he have to make it so hard?”
He fell silent and then he let out a deep breath. “Anyway, that’s how that went. I can’t sleep anymore. I dream about that stuff. Makes me sick.”
“What about Billy? I assume he figured it out when he saw you at the funeral.”
“Yeah. That was weird. He didn’t give a shit about Daggett, but he felt like he should get part of the money if he kept his mouth shut. I would have given him all of it, but I didn’t believe him. You should have seen him. Swaggering around, making all these threats. I figured he’d start bragging one night about what he knew and there I’d be.”
The edge of the niche was beginning to cut into my rear end. I was hanging on so tightly that my arm was getting numb, but I didn’t dare ease up. I couldn’t figure out how to get us out of this, but I knew I’d better start talking fast.
“I killed a man once,” I said. I meant to say more
but that’s all I could get out. I clamped my teeth together, trying to force the feelings back down where I’d been keeping them. It surprised me that after all this time, it was still so painful to think about.
“On purpose?”
I shook my head. “Self-defense, but dead is dead.”
His smile was sweet. “You can always come with me.”
“Don’t say that. I’m not going to jump and I don’t want you to either. You’re fifteen years old. There are lots of other ways out.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Your parents have money. They could hire Melvin Belli if they wanted to.”
“My parents are dead.”
“Well, the Westfalls, then. You know what I mean.”
“But Kinsey, I murdered two people and it’s first degree because I looked it up. How’m I gonna get away with that?”
“The way half the killers in this country do,” I said with energy. “Hell, if Ted Bundy’s still alive, why shouldn’t you be?”
“Who’s he?”
“Never mind. Someone who did a lot worse than you.”
He thought for a moment. “I don’t think it would work. I hurt too bad and I don’t see the point.”
“There isn’t a point. That’s the part you invent.”
“Could you do me a favor.”
“All right. What’s that?”
“Could you tell my aunt I said good-bye? I meant to write her a note, but I didn’t have a chance.”
“Goddamn it, Tony! Don’t do this. She’s had enough pain.”
“I know,” he said, “but she’s got my Uncle Ferrin and they’ll be okay. They never really knew what to do with me anyway.”
“Oh, I see. You’ve got this all worked out.”
“Well, yeah, I do. I’ve been reading up on this stuff and it’s no big deal. Kids kill themselves all the time.”
I hung my head, almost incapable of framing a response. “Tony, listen,” I said finally. “What you’re talking about is dumb and it doesn’t make any sense. Do you have any idea how crummy life seemed when I was your age? I cried all the time and I felt like shit. I was ugly. I was skinny. I was lonely. I was mad. I never thought I’d pull out of it, but I did. Life is hard. Life hurts. So what? You tough it out. You get through and then you’ll feel good again, I swear to God.”
He tilted his head, watching me intently. “I don’t think so. Not for me. I’m in too deep. I can’t bear any more. It’s too much.”
“Tony, there are days when none of us can bear it, but the good comes around again. Happiness is seasonal, like anything else. Wait it out. There are people who love you. People who can help.”
He shook his head. “I can’t do that. It’s kind of like I made a deal with myself to go through with this. She’ll understand.”
I could feel my temper snapping. “You want me to tell her that? You took a flying leap because you made a fucking deal with yourself?” His face clouded with uncertainty. I pressed on in a softer tone. “You want me to tell her we sat up here like this and I couldn’t talk you out of it? I can’t let you do it. You’ll break her heart.”
He looked down at his lap, his eyes remote, face coloring up the way boys do in lieu of tears. “It doesn’t have anything to do with her. Tell her it was me and she did just great. I love her a lot, but it’s my life, you know?”
I was silent for a moment, trying to figure out where to go next.
His face brightened and he held up an index finger. “I nearly forgot. I have a present for you.” He shifted, letting go of the torch with a move that made me snatch at him instinctively. He laughed at that. “Take it easy. I’m just reaching in the waistband of my jeans.”
I looked to see what he’d produced. My .32 lay across his palm. He held his hand out so I could take it, realizing belatedly that I couldn’t free up a hand to reach for it.
“That’s okay. I’ll put it right here,” he said kindly. He set it in the niche, behind the ornamental torch I was clinging to.
“How’d you get it?” Stalling, stalling.
“Same way I did everything else. I used my head. You put your home’ address on that business card you gave Aunt Ramona, so I rode over on my bike and waited till you got home. I was going to introduce myself, you know, and act like this real polite kid with good manners and a nifty haircut and stuff like that. Real innocent. I wasn’t sure how much you knew and I thought maybe I could steer you off. I saw the car and you almost stopped, but then you took off again. I had to pedal my ass off to keep up with you and then you parked at the beach and I saw a chance to go through your stuff.”
“You killed Billy with that?”
“Yeah. It was handy and I needed something quick.”
“How’d you know about disposable silencers?”
“Some kid at school. I can make a pipe bomb too,” he said. Then he sighed. “I gotta go soon. Time’s nearly up.”
I glanced down at the street. It was really getting dark up here, but the sidewalk was bright, the arcade across the way lit up like a movie house. Two people on the far side of the street had spotted us, but I could tell they hadn’t figured out what was going on. A stunt? A movie being shot? I looked at Tony, but he didn’t seem to be aware. My heart began to bang again and it made my chest feel tight and hot.
“I’m getting tired,” I said casually. “I may go back up, but I need some help. Can you give me a hand?”
“Sure,” he said. And then he paused, his whole body alert. “This isn’t a trick, is it?”
“No,” I said, but I could hear my voice shake and the lie cut my tongue like a razor blade. I’ve always lied with ease and grace, with ingenuity and conviction and I couldn’t get this one out. I saw him make a move. I grabbed him, hanging on for dear life, but all he had to do was give his arm a quick twist and my hand came loose. I reached again, but it was too late. I saw him push out, lifting off. For a moment, he seemed to hover there, like a leaf, and then he disappeared from my line of sight. I didn’t look down again after that.