And although they didn’t set out to give the money away to the poor, that was nevertheless what they did (if you accepted that the poor consisted of innkeepers, ladies of negotiable virtue, pickpockets, gamblers and general hangers-on), because although they would go to great lengths to steal money they then had as much control over it as a man trying to herd cats. It was there to be spent and lost. So they kept the money in circulation, always a praiseworthy thing in any society.
They never worried about what other people thought. Mr Saveloy, who’d spent his whole life worrying about what other people thought and had been passed over for promotion and generally treated as a piece of furniture as a result, found this strangely attractive. And they never agonized about anything, or wondered if they were doing the right thing. And they enjoyed themselves immensely. They had a kind of honour. He liked the Horde. They weren’t his kind of people.
Caleb returned, looking unusually thoughtful.
‘Congratulations, Mr Ripper!’ said Mr Saveloy, a great believer in positive reinforcement. ‘She still appears to be fully clothed.’
‘Yeah, what’d she say?’ said Boy Willie.
‘She smiled at me,’ said Caleb. He scratched his crusty beard uneasily. ‘A bit, anyway,’ he added.
‘Good,’ said Mr Saveloy.
‘She, er . . . she said she’d . . . she wouldn’t mind seein’ me . . . later . . .’
‘Well done!’
‘Er . . . Teach? What’s a shave?’
Saveloy explained.
Caleb listened carefully, grimacing occasionally. He turned round occasionally to look at the duck seller, who gave him a little wave.
‘Cor,’ he said. ‘Er. I dunno . . .’ He looked around again. ‘Never seen a woman who wasn’t running away before.’
‘Oh, women are like deer,’ said Cohen loftily. ‘You can’t just charge in, you gotta stalk ’em—’
‘Hur, hur, h – Sorry,’ said Caleb, catching Mr Saveloy’s stern eye.
‘I think perhaps we should end the lesson here,’ said Mr Saveloy. ‘We don’t want to get you too civilized, do we . . . ? I suggest we take a stroll around the Forbidden City, yes?’
They’d all seen it. It dominated the centre of Hung-hung. Its walls were forty feet high.
‘There’s a lot of soldiers guarding the gates,’ said Cohen.
‘So they should. A great treasure lies within,’ said Mr Saveloy. He didn’t raise his eyes, though. He seemed to be staring intently at the ground, as though searching for something he’d lost.
‘Why don’t we just rush up and kill the guards?’ Caleb demanded. He was still feeling a bit shaken.
‘Whut?’
‘Don’t be daft,’ said Cohen. ‘It’d take all day. Anyway,’ he added, feeling a little proud despite himself, ‘Teach here is goin’ to get us in on an invisible duck, ain’t that so, Teach?’
Mr Saveloy stopped.
‘Ah. Eureka,’ he said.
‘That’s Ephebian, that is,’ Cohen told the Horde. ‘It means “Give me a towel.” ‘
‘Oh yeah,’ said Caleb, who had been surreptitiously trying to untangle the knots in his beard. ‘And when were you ever in Ephebe?’
‘Went bounty hunting there once.’
‘Who for?’
‘You, I think.’
‘Hah! Did you find me?’
‘Dunno. Nod your head and see if it falls off.’
‘Ah. Gentlemen . . . behold . . .’
Mr Saveloy’s orthopaedic sandal was prodding an ornamental metal square in the ground.
‘Behold what?’ said Truckle.
‘Whut?’
‘We should look for more of these,’ said Mr Saveloy. ‘But I think we have it. All we need to do now is wait ontil dark.’
There was an argument going on. All Rincewind could make out were the voices; another sack had been tied over his head, while he himself was tied to a pillar.
‘Does he even look like a Great Wizard?’
‘That’s what it says on his hat in the language of ghosts—’
‘So you say!’
‘What about the testimony of Four Big Sandal, then?’
‘He was overtaxed. He could have imagined it!’
‘I did not! He came out of thin air, flying like a dragon! He knocked over five soldiers. And Three Maximum Luck saw it also. And the others. And then he freed an ancient man and turned him into a mighty fighting warrior!’
‘And he can speak our language, just as it says in the book.’
‘All right. Supposing he is the Great Wizard? Then we should kill him now!’
In the darkness of his sack, Rincewind shook his head furiously.
‘Why?’
‘He will be on the side of the Emperor.’
‘But the legend says the Great Wizard led the Red Army!’
‘Yes, for Emperor One Sun Mirror. It crushed the people!’
‘No, it crushed all the bandit chiefs! Then it built the Empire!’
‘So? The Empire is so great? Untimely Demise To The Forces Of Oppression!’
‘But now the Red Army is on the side of the people! Maximum Advancement With The Great Wizard!’
‘The Great Wizard is the Enemy of the People!’
‘I saw him, I tell you! A legion of soldiers collapsed with the wind of his passage!’
The wind of his passage was beginning to worry Rincewind as well. It always tended to when he was frightened.
‘If he is such a great wizard, why is he still tied up? Why has he not made his bonds disappear in puffs of green smoke?’
‘Perhaps he is saving his magic for some even mightier deeds. He wouldn’t do firecracker tricks for earthworms.’
‘Hah!’
‘And he had the Book! He was looking for us! It is his destiny to lead the Red Army!’
Shake, shake, shake.
‘We can lead ourselves!’
Nod, nod, nod.
‘We don’t need any suspicious Great Wizards from illusionary places!’
Nod, nod, nod.
‘So we should kill him now!’
Nod, no – Shakeshakeshake.
‘Hah! He laughs at you with scorn! He waits to make your head explode with snakes of fire!’
Shake, shake, shake.
‘You do know that while we’re arguing Three Yoked Oxen is being tortured?’
The People’s Army is more than just individuals, Lotus Blossom!’
In the foetid sack Rincewind grimaced. He was already beginning to take a dislike to the first speaker, as one naturally does with people urging that you be put to death without delay. But when that sort of person started talking about things being more important than people, you knew you were in big trouble.
‘I’m sure the Great Wizard could rescue Three Yoked Oxen,’ said a voice by his ear. It was Butterfly.
‘Yes, he could easily rescue Three Yoked Oxen!’ said Lotus Blossom.
‘Hah! You say? He could get into the Forbidden City? Impossible! It’s certain death!’
Nod, nod, nod.
‘Not to the Great Wizard,’ said the voice of Butter-fly.
‘Shut up!’ hissed Rincewind.
‘Would you like to know how big the meat cleaver is that Two Fire Herb is holding in his hand?’ whispered Butterfly.
‘No!’
‘It’s very big.’
‘He said that going into the Forbidden City is certain death!’
‘No. It’s only probable death. I assure you, if you run away from me again that is certain death.’
The sack was pulled away.
The face immediately in front of him was that of Lotus Blossom, and a man could see a lot worse things with his daylight than her face, which made him think of cream and masses of butter and just the right amount of salt.[21]
One of the things he might see, for example, was the face of Two Fire Herb. This was not a nice face. It was podgy and had tiny little pupils in its eyes, and looked like a living example of the fact that although the people could be oppressed by kings and emperors and mandarins, the job could often be done just as well by the man next door.
‘Great Wizard? Hah!’ Two Fire Herb said now.
‘He can do it!’ said Lotus Blossom (and cream cheese, thought Rincewind, and maybe coleslaw on the side). ‘He is the Great Wizard come back to us! Did he not guide the Master through the lands of ghosts and blood-sucking vampires?’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t say—’ Rincewind began.
‘Such a great wizard allowed you to bring him here in a sack?’ said Two Fire Herb, sneering. ‘Let us see him do some conjuring . . .’
‘A truly great wizard would not stoop to doing party tricks!’ said Lotus Blossom.
‘That’s right,’ said Rincewind. ‘Not stoop.’
‘Shame on Herb to suggest such a thing!’
‘Shame,’ Rincewind agreed.
‘Besides, he will need all of his power to enter the Forbidden City,’ said Butterfly. Rincewind found himself hating the sound of her voice.
‘Forbidden City,’ he murmured.
‘Everyone knows there are terrible snares and traps and many, many guards.’
‘Snares, traps . . .’
‘Why, if his magic should fail him because he did tricks for Herb, he would find himself in the deepest dungeon, dying by inches.’
‘Inches . . . er . . . which particular inch—’
‘So much shame to Two Fire Herb!’
Rincewind gave her a sickly grin.