‘I have no choice, when you put it like that,’ said the abbot.
‘Reverend sir-‘ began Rinpo, who felt that he did.
The spoon was banged on the tray again. ‘Lu-Tze is a man of high reputation!’ the abbot shouted. ‘I trust him implicitly to do the correct action! I just wish I could blumblum trust him to do what I blumblum want! I have forbidden him to go to Uberwald! Now do you wish me to forbid him not to go to Uberwald? BIKKIT! I have spoken! And now, will all you gentlemen be so good as to leave? I have urgent business to attend to.’
Lu-Tze bowed and grabbed Lobsang’s arm. ‘Come on, lad!’ he whispered. ‘Let’s bugger off quick before anyone works it out!’
On the way out they passed a lesser acolyte carrying a small potty with a pattern of bunny rabbits around it.
‘It’s not easy, reincarnating,’ said Lu-Tze, running down the corridor. ‘Now we’ve got to be out of here before someone gets any funny ideas. Grab your bag and bedroll!’
‘But no one would countermand the abbot’s orders, would they?’ said Lobsang, as they skidded round a corner.
‘Ha! It’ll be his nap in ten minutes and if they give him a new toy when he wakes up he might end up being so busy banging square green pegs into round blue holes that he’ll forget what he said,’ said Lu-Tze. ‘Politics, lad. Too many idiots will start saying what they’re sure the abbot would have meant. Off you go, now. I’ll see you in the Garden of Five Surprises in one minute.’
When Lobsang arrived Lu-Tze was carefully tying one of the bonsai mountains into a bamboo framework. He fastened the last knot and placed it in a bag over one shoulder.
‘Won’t it get damaged?’ said Lobsang.
‘It’s a mountain. How can it get damaged?’ Lu-Tze picked up his broom. ‘And we’ll just drop in and have a chat with an old mate of mine before we leave, though. Maybe we’ll pick up some stuff.’
‘What’s going on, Sweeper?’ said Lobsang, trailing after him.
‘Well, it’s like this, lad. Me and the abbot and the bloke we’re going to see, we go back a long way. Things are a bit different now. The abbot can’t just say, “Lu-Tze, you are an old rogue, it was you who put the idea of Uberwald into everyone’s heads in the first place, but I see you’re onto something so off you go and follow your nose.”‘
‘But I thought he was the supreme ruler!’
‘Exactly! And it’s very hard to get things done when you’re a supreme ruler. There’re too many people in the way, mucking things up. This way, the new lads can have fun running around Uberwald going, “Hai!” and we, my lad, will be heading for Ankh-Morpork. The abbot knows that. Almost knows that.’
‘How do you know the new clock is being built in Ankh Morpork?’ said Lobsang, trailing behind Lu-Tze as he took a mossy, sunken path that led through rhododendron thickets to the monastery wall.
‘I know. I’ll tell you, the day someone pulls the plug out of the bottom of the universe, the chain will lead all the way to Ankh-Morpork and some bugger saying, “I just wanted to see what would happen.” All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.’
‘I thought all roads led away from Ankh-Morpork.’
‘Not the way we’re going. Ah, here we are.’
Lu-Tze knocked on the door of a rough but large shed built right up against the wall. At the same moment there was an explosion within and someone – Lobsang corrected himself – half of someone tumbled very fast out of the unglazed window beside it and hit the path with bone-cracking force. Only when it stopped rolling did he realize that it was a wooden dummy in a monk’s robe.
‘Qu’s having fun, I see,’ said Lu-Tze. He hadn’t moved as the dummy had sailed past his ear.
The door burst open and a plump old monk looked out excitedly.
‘Did you see that? Did you see that?’ he said. ‘And that was with just one spoonful!’ He nodded at them. ‘Oh, hello, Lu-Tze. I was expecting you. I’ve got some things ready.’
‘Got what?’ said Lobsang.
‘Who’s the boy?’ said Qu, ushering them in.
‘The untutored child is called Lobsang,’ said Lu-Tze, looking around the shed. There was a smoking circle on the stone floor, with drifts of blackened sand around it. ‘New toys, Qu?’
‘Exploding mandala,’ said Qu happily, bustling forward. ‘Just sprinkle the special sand on a simple design anywhere you like, and the first enemy to walk on it- Bang, instant karma! Don’t touch that!’
Lu-Tze reached across and snatched from Lobsang’s inquisitive hands the begging bowl that he had just picked up from a table.
‘Remember Rule One,’ he said, and hurled the bowl across the room. Hidden blades slid out as it spun, and the bowl buried itself in a beam.
‘That would take a man’s head right off!’ said Lobsang. And then they heard the faint ticking.
‘… three, four, five…’ said Qu. ‘Everybody duck… Now!’
Lu-Tze pushed Lobsang to the floor a moment before the bowl exploded. Metal fragments scythed overhead.
‘I added just a little something extra since you last saw it,’ said Qu proudly, as they got to their feet again. ‘A very versatile device. Plus, of course, you can use it to eat rice out of. Oh, and have you seen this?’
He picked up a prayer drum. Both Lu-Tze and Lobsang took a step back.
Qu twirled the drum a few times, and the weighted cords pattered against the skins.
‘The cord can be instantly removed for a handy garotte,’ he said, ‘and the drum itself can be removed – like so – to reveal this useful dagger.’
‘Plus, of course, you can use it to pray with?’ said Lobsang.
‘Well spotted,’ said Qu. ‘Quick boy. A prayer is always useful in the last resort. In fact we’ve been working on a very promising mantra incorporating sonic tones that have a particular effect on the human nervous syst-‘
‘I don’t think we need any of this stuff, Qu,’ said Lu-Tze.
Qu sighed. ‘At least you could let us turn your broom into a secret weapon, Lu-Tze. I’ve shown you the plans-‘
‘It is a secret weapon,’ said Lu-Tze. ‘It’s a broom.’
‘How about the new yaks we’ve been breeding? At the touch of a rein their horns will instantly-‘
‘We want the spinners, Qu.’
The monk suddenly looked guilty. ‘Spinners? What spinners?’
Lu-Tze walked across the room and pressed a hand against part of the wall, which slid aside.
‘These spinners, Qu. Don’t muck me about, we haven’t got time.’
Lobsang saw what looked very much like two small Procrastinators, each one within a metal framework mounted on a board. There was a harness attached to each board.
‘You haven’t told the abbot about them yet, have you?’ said Lu-Tze, unhooking one of the things. ‘He’d put a stop to them if you did, you know that.’
‘I didn’t think anyone knew!’ said Qu. ‘How did you-‘
Lu-Tze grinned. ‘No one notices a sweeper,’ he said.
‘They’re still very experimental!’ said Qu, close to panic. ‘I was going to tell the abbot, of course, but I was waiting until I had something to demonstrate! And it would be terrible if they fell into the wrong hands!’
‘Then we’ll see to it that they don’t,’ said Lu-Tze, examining the straps. ‘How’re they powered now?’
‘Weights and ratchets were too unreliable,’ said Qu. ‘I’m afraid I had to resort to… clockwork.’
Lu-Tze stiffened, and he glared at the monk. ‘Clockwork?
‘Only as a motive force, only as a motive force!’ Qu protested. ‘There’s really no other choice!’
‘Too late now, it’ll have to do,’ said Lu-Tze, unhooking the other board and passing it across to Lobsang. ‘There you go, lad. With a bit of sacking round it it’ll look just like a backpack.’
‘What is it?’
Qu sighed. ‘They’re portable Procrastinators. Try not to break them, please.’
‘What will we need them for?’
‘I hope you won’t have to find out,’ said Lu-Tze. ‘Thanks, Qu.’
Are you sure you wouldn’t prefer some time bombs?’ said Qu hopefully. ‘Drop one on the floor and time will slow for-‘
‘Thanks, but no.’
‘The other monks were fully equipped,’ said Qu.
‘But we’re travelling light,’ said Lu-Tze firmly. ‘We’ll go out the back way, Qu, okay?’
The back way led to a narrow path and a small gate in the wall. Dismembered wooden dummies and patches of scorched rock indicated that Qu and his assistants often came this way. And then there was another path, beside one of the many icy streamlet’s.
‘Qu means well,’ said Lu-Tze, walking fast. ‘But if you listen to him you end up clanking when you walk and exploding when you sit down.’
Lobsang ran to keep up. ‘It’ll take weeks to walk to Ankh-Morpork, Sweeper!’