It made no more sense than it had at the start, but now he could hear the pain in her voice. He turned to face her. “You’re the most wonderful thing that’s happened to me for a long time, perhaps ever. Please forgive me for being a fool.” He took her hand in his own. She looked toward the window, biting her lip, fighting back tears. “Yes, you are,” she said. She looked down at him and touched his hair. “You bloody, bloody fool,” she whispered, stroking his head. Her eyes spilled tears. “I’ve such a lot to learn about you,” he said. “And I about you.” He looked away, thinking aloud. “People resent my equanimity-always have. Those who work for me don’t, they like it. They know that when they feel Re panicking, when they feel they can’t cope, they can come to me and tell me about the dilemma; and if I can’t see a way through it, I’ll tell them what is the best thing to do, the lesser evil; and because I say it in a calm voice, because I see that it’s a dilemma and I don’t panic, they go away reassured and do what they have to do. All I do is clarify the problem and refuse to be frightened by it; but that’s just what they need. However … exactly the same attitude often infuriates other people-my superiors, my friends, Angela, you … I’ve never understood why.,, “Because sometimes vou should panic, fool,” she said softly. “Sometimes you should show that you are frightened, or obsessed, or crazy for something. It’s human, and it’s a sign that you care. When you’re so calm all the time we think it’s because you don’t give a damn.” Vandam said: “Well, people should know better. Lovers should know better, and so should friends, and bosses if they’re any good.” He said this honestly, but in the back of his mind he realized that there was indeed an element of ruthlessness, of cold-heartedness, in his famous equanimity. “And if they don’t know better T’ She had stopped crying now. “I should be different? No.” He wanted to be honest with her now. He could have told her a lie to make her happy: Yes, you’re right, I’ll try to be different. But what was the point? If he could not be himself with her, it was all worthless, he would be manipulating her the way all men had THE KEY TO REBECCA 249
manipulated her, the way he manipulated people he did not love. So he told her the truth. “You see, this is the way I win. I mean, win everything … the game of life-so to speak.” He gave a wry grin. “I am detached. I look at everything from a distance. I do care, but I refuse to do pointless things, symbolic gestures, empty fits of rage. Either we love each other or we don’t, and all the flowers in the world won’t make any difference. But the work I did today could affect whether we live or die. I did think of you, all day; but each time I thought of you, I turned my mind to more urgent things. I work efficiently, I set priorities and I don’t worry about you when I know you’re okay. Can you imagine yourself getting used to that?” She gave him a watery smile. “I’ll try.” And all the time, in the back of his mind, he was thinking: For how long? Do I want this woman forever? What if I don’t? He pushed the thought down. Right now it was low priority. “What I want to say, after all that, is: Forget about tonight, don’t go, we’ll manage without you. But I can’t. We need vou, and it’s terribly important.” “That’s okay, I understand.” “But first of all, may I kiss you hello?” “Yes, please.” Kneeling beside the arm of her chair, he took her face in his big hand, and kissed her lips. Her mouth was soft and yielding, and slightly moist. He savored the feel and the taste of her. Never bad he felt like this, as though he could go on kissing, just so, all night and never get tired. Eventually she drew back, took a deep breath, and said: “My, my, I do believe you mean it.” “You may be sure of that.” She laughed. “When you said that, you were the old Major Vandarn for a moment-the one I used to know before I knew you.” “And your’My, my,’ in that provocative voice was the old Elene.” “Brief me, Major.,, “I’ll have to get out of kissing distance.” “Sit over there and cross your legs. Anyway, what were you doing today?” 250 Ken Follett