“I truly planned to get gold and return to Tovilyis and rejoin her,” Fafhrd apologized. “But something always intervened, generally the absence of gold.”
“Friska never blamed you,” Fingers assured him. “She always came to your defense when Aunt Ivivis made you the target of one of her tirades. Aunty would say, ‘He should have stayed with you and let the little jackanapes go on alone,’ and Mother would answer, ‘That would have been too much to hope for. Remember, they’re lifelong comrades.’”
“Friska was always most forgiving,” Fafhrd averred. “Just as Fingers is to you, Mouser,” he added, shaking his middle digit under the Gray One’s nose. “Do you realize that that terrible treble fingersnap that saved my life almost slew Fingers at the same time? Stretching her senseless and unconscious across the bench where we’d sat watching you emerge from earth like a pale vengeful mole—was knocked out myself as well, stretched out across my daughter on the bench. As Afreyt here can attest, who was a full quarter hour eliciting from either of us the least sign of life.”
“That’s most true, masters,” the tall blonde averred, her violet eyes flashing. “I breathed for Fafhrd fully that long before his wits returned. Meanwhile Gale, who’d awakened and come downstairs fortuitously, performed a like service for Fingers.”
“Yes, I did that,” the child confirmed, “and when you came to, you beast, you bit my nose, like an ungrateful and confused kitten.”
“You should have spanked me,” the girl from Ilthmar told her piously.
“I’ll remember that at the first opportunity,” Gale threatened darkly.
“For that matter, I lost consciousness myself completely at the climax,” the Mouser asserted, getting back into the game. “So much depended on getting those fingersnaps of old Quarmal just right, each one a little louder than the last. It literally took everything out of me, so that my task accomplished, I sank back into the earth like a dying ghost, to be transported here by whatever potent agency has guided my long journey, and await dear Cif’s revivifying kiss.”
And he slowly shook his head from side to side, raising his brows and parting his hands a little in a gesture of uncomprehending wonder.
Relaxing then a little from this posture (one got the impression everyone in the tunnel let out a small sigh), he turned with a sweet and gracious smile to Fafhrd and inquired, “But now tell me, old friend, how came you to be parted from your hair? And so very thoroughly, judging from the portions of you I’m able to see. In my underground travels I’ve lost some skin (and body hair presumably) from friction with sand, gravel, clay, and rock. My garments certainly have suffered a diminishment, as is plain to see. But you, my friend, have not that excuse.”
“Let me answer that,” Afreyt demanded with such resolution that no one, even Fafhrd, seemed inclined to contest her claim. She took a deep breath and addressed, chiefly to the Gray Mouser (though all heard, for she spoke very clearly) the following remarkable extended statement.
“Dear Captain Mouser, when you first slipped down into the earth early upon the night of Satyrs’ full and the second of the coming of the cold, it was Captain Fafhrd who set us digging after you here on Goddess Hill. Not all of us agreed with his idea, but when the digging turned up evidence of your passage (your hood, your dagger Cat’s Claw, et cetera), we were logically compelled to change our minds. The work begun then has now culminated in the rescue of Captain Mouser by the ladies Cif and Rill after today’s miraculous survival underground. All honor to Captain Fafhrd for laying the foundations of this wonderful achievement!”
Gale started to applaud, but none of the others took it up, and when Fingers shook her head at the other girls, she broke off.
Afreyt resumed her extended statement, ignoring the interruption.
“It was at this point, I think, that it began to become apparent, dimly at first, that a supernatural power, or powers, were taking a hand in the developing events.
“In the matter of Captain Mouser, it was the dowsing for him by the Lady Cif and his lieutenant Pshawri which seemed to indicate the Mouser was moving underground at unlikely speeds over incredible distances far beyond the limits of these diggings, even extending out under the Outer Sea.
“Besides that, there’s an altogether amazing action that occurred this morning in the cellar of the Lady Cif’s house and which Fingers and I both witnessed: the Mouser’s saving of Fafhrd from a horrid outlandish death spell by employment of information he could hardly have obtained anywhere in Nehwon nearer than buried Quarmall.” And she gazed fiercely, almost accusingly, at the Mouser.
Gale parted her hands to start another round of applause, but then made a face at Fingers and forbore.
The Mouser endured the steely stare a moment more, then said apologetically, “I’m sorry, Lady Afreyt. I can’t fully satisfy your curiosity as to how far I went or all I did below ground. Mostly I recall sucking pebbles to quench my thirst and breathing most shallowly to make best use of the air I scavenged (often having to make do with mephitic gases), and meditating on my sins and those of others (very interesting, some of those). Otherwise I seem to have slept a lot (doubtless a good thing since it reduced my consumption of air) and dreamed some remarkable dreams. So please, Lady Afreyt, continue with your fascinating hypothetical reconstruction of what’s happened to us the last two mysterious days—always remembering to end with an explanation of how Fafhrd came to lose his hair. Which was, I believe, the question you set out to answer in the first place.”
“That’s true,” she said. “Well, Captain Mouser, just as a supernatural element entered your movements underground, enabling you to move to far places at fantastic speeds and causing you considerable wear and tear—” she eyed his translucent jerkin “—a like element began to influence Fafhrd, though functioning in the opposite direction, not below ground, but above.
“Late on the night of Satyrs’ full he got drunk and set out for Salthaven next morning under the influence. For this part of the story we have the evidence of the children Gale and Fingers, who followed him. They saw him set to swimming through the fog and then mount up into the sky in widening spirals.
“Somewhere aloft above Salthaven he disrobed (to lighten ship, he tells me) and dropped his boots, belt, pouch, bracelet, and other gear, which fell on roofs and treetops, whence they were brought to me yesterday, forming a set of objects not unlike the items Captain Mouser left behind him as he traveled through the earth.
“For the rest of my narrative I must depend chiefly on the testimony of its principal actor, given to me earlier today after he recovered from Captain Mouser’s spell-breaking.
“To summarize, a short time after lightening ship, Captain Fafhrd was picked up by a cloud-pinnace captained by Queen Frix of Arilia, his one-time paramour, and crewed by a company of her notorious ladies. Being still somewhat under the influence, he was easily enticed into an orgy, during the course of which he was completely shaven, upon the pretext of increasing his pleasure.”
“Half the civilized races of Nehwon believe that firmly and act accordingly,” Fingers commented. “They regard all hair as a disfigurement, eyelashes being the one exception.”
“Don’t come the old hooker on me! Or presume to instruct us in the sexual fashions of so-called civilized races, you cabin-girl princess!” Afreyt told her tartly, violet eyes flashing. “So far I’ve been inclined to forgive you all the evil you’ve innocently been mixed up with, but it wouldn’t take much to make me change my mind and give you that shrewd spanking you have been asking for!”
The girl drooped her eyes, gave her lips a reproving tap with her fingertips, covered her mouth with a palm and dropped a submissive curtsey. Gale poked her surreptitiously a little above the hips, where the side is soft.
“But is this true, old friend?” the Mouser asked Fafhrd concernedly. “Pardon me, Lady Afreyt, but I’m somewhat shocked.”
“I am content with Afreyt’s statement of my case,” Fafhrd said stolidly, “and grateful to her for saving me embarrassment.”
“Well, then,” the Mouser said, “since we’re talking so freely, resolve us: does shaving augment carnal delight? In your case, at any rate?”
“That’s not a suitable question for public discussion,” Fafhrd responded somewhat primly. “Ask me in private and I may give you an answer.”
Afreyt looked at the Mouser sweetly and gave a little nod before continuing her statement.
“At some point during the night’s licentious doings aboard the aerial whorehouse of Queen Frix, Fafhrd succumbed, but whether from an excess of carnal delight, or of brandy and poppy and other narcotic drugs that may have been administered to him, we have no way of knowing.