“Ingenious,” sighed Ford.
“Not really,” said Marvin. “Not if you’ve got a brain the size of….
“Can it, Marvin,” interrupted Zaphod. “This is serious. It looks like I’ve got the save the Universe again.”
CHAPTER 52
The Management of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation were tired of having a monopoly of robotics and computers in the Universe. This had been achieved many, many years ago despite the best efforts of the Marketing Division. So when you reach the top, where do you go? Many have suggested that when you reach the top, there is only one way to go and that is down. The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation couldn’t if they tried. They had such a stranglehold on the market, expendable sales alone ensured a frightening profit margin. Thanks to a clever remuneration strategy by the Management, salaries were kept low on the basis of a possible market attack by a fruit seller and as the majority of staff weren’t allowed to leave Sirius, any money paid out was soon returned through the shops and bars on the planet. The salesmen were the only people allowed loose on the Universe and they spent money like salesmen usually do, but as all the best salesmen ended up as Management back on Sirius and had to account for and repay all their expenses as a condition of their new job package, the Status Quo was maintained.
So the Management’s problem of great wealth and boredom meant there was only one route to take, one challenge to meet, one final bridge to cross. Universal domination. The Organisation and Methods Division came up with the idea of fitting interfaces into all devices in the guise of a remote diagnostics unit. The Director of O & M almost rejected the idea on the basis that there were no job loses involved and his old O & M colleagues would never buy him a drink again if they found out he was involved in a scheme that created jobs. Once he was reminded that his old colleagues never bought him a drink anyway because a time and motion study proved that there was no productivity gain, he backed down and took the idea to the board. This was passed unanimously at the board meeting, the Management getting excited about the prospect of doing something different to working out how many Alterian Dollars they were making per second.
CHAPTER 53
The treacherous trio and the soulful solo passed through the entrance of the initiative test. A large panel slid over the entrance, shutting them in. Large stark letters on the panel confirmed this with a smug ‘THERE’S NO BACKING OUT NOW’. Arthur felt a “so this is it, we’re going to die” scramble up his throat, but he fought it back to use when times really got bad. He followed Zaphod and Ford into the storeroom.
“Okay guys,” ordered Zaphod. “Grab as much stuff as you can carry.”
“But the android said we could only take three things,” protested Arthur, his subconscious training to be an Englishman, a gentleman and, most importantly of all, a good sportsman backing him to the hilt.
“Nuts to the android,” said Zaphod, his subconscious cowardice backing him from a safe distance. “No excuses for the pun, if it feels embarrassed it can excuse itself.”
“Right, let’s see,” said Ford. “Damn, I’ve left my satchel outside.
“So?” Asked Zaphod, rummaging through piles of weapons.
“My towel’s in there!” Exclaimed Ford, heartbroken. Something hit him on the back of the head.
“There, don’t sulk,” said Zaphod as Ford picked the towel off the floor.
“It wont be the same,” sulked Ford.
“It all seems junk to me,” said Arthur. “What do you think, Marvin?”
“More than you could possibly imagine,” sighed Marvin.
“Cheer up Marvin,” said Ford, brighter after finding the towel impregnated with mopped up Old Janx Spirit. “You must have lost the pain in all the diodes down your….”
“I brought it with me,” interrupted Marvin, haughtily. “Life wouldn’t be the same without it.”
“For God’s sake don’t start him off on life,” said Arthur.
“Come on, guys,” said Zaphod testily “The times they are a-changing. Let’s get a move on. Remember I’ve got a rather important appointment with 30 mega-billion viewers, all of them waiting to see the numero uno get hitched. I mean, the advertising revenue alone will buy me a holiday planet somewhere and the commercial spin offs…. I’ve got Trillian dolls which say ‘I do’ when you dig them in the ribs, Zaphod dolls which say the same only you have to twist their arms, presentation Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy wedding covers which bear the Inscription ‘Don’t Panic, there’s always divorce’. If I don’t deliver the goods, they don’t either, if you get my meaning.”