The Lost Chapters by Douglas Adams
The Lost Chapters by Douglas Adams
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 40
CHAPTER 41
CHAPTER 43
CHAPTER 44
CHAPTER 45
CHAPTER 46
CHAPTER 47
CHAPTER 48
CHAPTER 49
CHAPTER 50
CHAPTER 51
CHAPTER 52
CHAPTER 53
CHAPTER 54
CHAPTER 55
CHAPTER 56
CHAPTER 57
CHAPTER 58
CHAPTER 59
CHAPTER 60
CHAPTER 61
CHAPTER 62
CHAPTER 63
CHAPTER 64
THE END
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 24
“What’s happening?” Asked Ford, emerging from a room with Bolo and looking as dishevelled as everyone else, much to his surprise.
“We got hit during a space battle,” explained Zaphod, flicking on the scanner screen. “We spun out of control and crash landed on this planet and as you can see, hundreds of it’s rather short looking inhabitants are flooding over the desert towards us.”
“What are we going to do?” Asked Fenchurch.
“The monkey man is going out to talk to them,” said Zaphod, casually.
“What?” Yelled Arthur.
“I knew we should have got him a replacement brain,” said Zaphod. “Do you want to know where the tea is before you go?”
“Zaphod! You can’t send Arthur out there,” exclaimed Trillian. “They could tear him to pieces.”
Zaphod declined to comment, but grinned. His teeth acted as a red rag to Arthur. He charged across the bridge, intending to send Zaphod flying, but Zaphod neatly side stepped and Arthur flew past, through a happy door that opened on seeing a body flying towards it and wished Arthur a fruitful journey. Arthur rolled down some stairs and ended up by the main airlock, which gladly hissed open.
Arthur was confronted by hundreds of cheering dwarves.
“Hooray, ‘Our Seventh Obu’ is dead. Long live our saviour!” They cheered.
Arthur looked down and saw, to his dismay, two stumpy legs sticking out from under the Heart of Gold. He rightly assumed they belonged to ‘Our Seventh Obu’. He didn’t assume that she was the most infamous critic of Our Third Entism and was widely hated for her outspoken comments. If he had assumed this he would have again been right. He didn’t so he apologised.
“Don’t apologise,” shouted Latigid, the chief Stavromulan. “You have rid us of a blight to our land. What is the name of our hero?”
“Arthur Dent,” said Arthur and was astounded when the entire crowd fell to their knees, causing a minor sandstorm. He was joined by the rest of the party, who too were astounded.
“What did you say to them, Arthur?” Asked Ford.
“I just told them my name.”
“The Holy One shall wear the slippers of ‘Our Seventh Obu’ as protection and shall be carried on high to the holy theatre!” Said Latigid.
Many dwarves rushed forward and put the red slippers from ‘Our Seventh Obu’s’ feet on Arthur’s feet. They didn’t fit but as he was picked up it didn’t really matter.
“What about my friends?” Asked Arthur.
“They too shall be carried on high.”
On high wasn’t particularly high. Arthur’s feet dragged along the ground, but it was better than walking. The road looked rough on the feet.
Some one had obviously run ahead to spread the news, as crowds began to line the brick road. Arthur could see a town ahead. The crowds grew larger and Arthur began to enjoy himself. He waved at the crowds and they waved back.
“Oooh, that’s Our Third Ent!” Cried one woman, beside herself with excitement, which was quite a trick for a woman of her size.
“He’s much bigger than I thought he would be,” shouted another person.
One group wasn’t cheering. Their sect believed in the Second Sitting, but also believed that Our Third Ent shouldn’t have gone away in the first place. They were very devout and probably one of the most boring offshoots of Our Third Entism. They didn’t pursue the sexual rituals that most other sects did and didn’t have any religious holidays. They were the only sect that believed that Our Third Ent should be punished on his return and the gun that was to exercise that punishment was aimed at Arthur’s head.
Arthur, oblivious to this and many other startling facts about this planet, was having a great time. People rushed from the crowd just to be touched by him, something that had never happened on Earth. He wasn’t particularly overjoyed by having his feet dragged along the ground and he could feel one of his slippers slipping off. No matter how much he wriggled his toes, it wouldn’t stay on. Eventually he bent over and forced it back onto his foot.