A Voice. “Good–that settles THAT!”
The Tanner. “Mr. Chairman, one thing is now plain: one of these
men has been eavesdropping under the other one’s bed, and filching
family secrets. If it is not unparliamentary to suggest it, I will
remark that both are equal to it. [The Chair. “Order! order!”] I
withdraw the remark, sir, and will confine myself to suggesting that
IF one of them has overheard the other reveal the test-remark to his
wife, we shall catch him now.”
A Voice. “How?”
The Tanner. “Easily. The two have not quoted the remark in exactly
the same words. You would have noticed that, if there hadn’t been a
considerable stretch of time and an exciting quarrel inserted
between the two readings.”
A Voice. “Name the difference.”
The Tanner. “The word VERY is in Billson’s note, and not in the
other.”
Many Voices. “That’s so–he’s right!”
The Tanner. “And so, if the Chair will examine the test-remark in
the sack, we shall know which of these two frauds–[The Chair.
“Order!”]–which of these two adventurers–[The Chair. “Order!
order!”]–which of these two gentlemen–[laughter and applause]–is
entitled to wear the belt as being the first dishonest blatherskite
ever bred in this town–which he has dishonoured, and which will be
a sultry place for him from now out!” [Vigorous applause.]
Many Voices. “Open it!–open the sack!”
Mr. Burgess made a slit in the sack, slid his hand in, and brought
out an envelope. In it were a couple of folded notes. He said:
“One of these is marked, ‘Not to be examined until all written
communications which have been addressed to the Chair–if any–shall
have been read.’ The other is marked ‘THE TEST.’ Allow me. It is
worded–to wit:
“‘I do not require that the first half of the remark which was made
to me by my benefactor shall be quoted with exactness, for it was
not striking, and could be forgotten; but its closing fifteen words
are quite striking, and I think easily rememberable; unless THESE
shall be accurately reproduced, let the applicant be regarded as an
impostor. My benefactor began by saying he seldom gave advice to
anyone, but that it always bore the hallmark of high value when he
did give it. Then he said this–and it has never faded from my
memory: ‘YOU ARE FAR FROM BEING A BAD MAN- ””
Fifty Voices. “That settles it–the money’s Wilson’s! Wilson!
Wilson! Speech! Speech!”
People jumped up and crowded around Wilson, wringing his hand and
congratulating fervently–meantime the Chair was hammering with the
gavel and shouting:
“Order, gentlemen! Order! Order! Let me finish reading, please.”
When quiet was restored, the reading was resumed–as follows:
“‘GO, AND REFORM–OR, MARK MY WORDS–SOME DAY, FOR YOUR SINS YOU
WILL DIE AND GO TO HELL OR HADLEYBURG–TRY AND MAKE IT THE FORMER.'”
A ghastly silence followed. First an angry cloud began to settle
darkly upon the faces of the citizenship; after a pause the cloud
began to rise, and a tickled expression tried to take its place;
tried so hard that it was only kept under with great and painful
difficulty; the reporters, the Brixtonites, and other strangers bent
their heads down and shielded their faces with their hands, and
managed to hold in by main strength and heroic courtesy. At this
most inopportune time burst upon the stillness the roar of a
solitary voice–Jack Halliday’s:
“THAT’S got the hall-mark on it!”
Then the house let go, strangers and all. Even Mr. Burgess’s
gravity broke down presently, then the audience considered itself
officially absolved from all restraint, and it made the most of its
privilege. It was a good long laugh, and a tempestuously
wholehearted one, but it ceased at last–long enough for Mr. Burgess
to try to resume, and for the people to get their eyes partially
wiped; then it broke out again, and afterward yet again; then at
last Burgess was able to get out these serious words:
“It is useless to try to disguise the fact–we find ourselves in the
presence of a matter of grave import. It involves the honour of
your town–it strikes at the town’s good name. The difference of a
single word between the test-remarks offered by Mr. Wilson and Mr.