‘Cut out that “we” stuff, Herbert You’re neither an editor nor a potentate. Motion denied. You know as well as I do that Judge Bonelli is laid up sick. I don’t propose to clutter up the calendar on the spurious theory that I can’t count fingers in front of my face.’ He glanced at the clock. ‘In fact, unless one of you has new facts to produce — facts, not theories — I’m going to assume that you have both stipulated to the same body of facts. Objection?’
‘Okay with me, Judge.’
‘No objection,’ the prosecutor said wearily.
‘You may continue, ma’am. I think we ought to wind this up in about ten minutes, if you both will stick to the subject. Let’s have your theory.’
‘Yes, your honor. First, I want you to take a look at those two young and innocent lads and see for yourself that they could not be up to anything criminal.’ Castor and Pollux made a mighty effort to look the description; they were not notably successful.
Judge Warburton looked at them and scratched his chin. ‘That’s a conclusion, ma’am. I can’t see any wings sprouting from here.’
‘Forget it, then. They’re a couple of little hellions, both of them. They’ve given me plenty of grief. But this time they didn’t do anything wrong and they deserve a vote of thanks from your chamber of commerce — and from the citizens of Mars Cornmonwealth.
‘The first part sounds plausible. The latter part is outside the jurisdiction of this court’
‘You’ll see. The key to this case is whether or not a bicycle is a production item, or a luxury. Right?’
‘Correct And the distinction depends on the end use of the imported article. Our tariff schedule is flexible in that respect. Shall I cite the pertinent cases?’
‘Oh, don’t bother!’
Her son looked her over. ‘Hazel, it occurs to me that the end use of sightseeing, that the defendants knew that, that they even suggested that end use and made it part of their sales argument, and that they neglected to inform the buyer of the customs status of the articles in question. Correct?’
‘Right to nine decimals, Judge.’
‘I’ve not yet gotten a glimpse of your theory. Surely you are not contending that sightseeing is anything but a luxury?’
‘Oh, it’s a luxury all right!’
‘Madam, it seems to me that you are doing your grandsons no good. If you will withdraw, I will appoint counsel.’
‘Better ask them, Judge.’
‘I intended to.’ He looked inquiringly at the twins. ‘Are you satisfied with your representation?’
Castor caught Pollux’s eye, then answered promptly, ‘We’re as much in the dark as you are, sir — but we’ll string along with grandmother.’
‘I admire your courage at least. Proceed, ma’am’
‘We agreed that sightseeing is a luxury. But “luxury” is a relative term. Luxury for whom? Roast suckling pig is a luxury for you and me—’
‘It certainly is. I haven’t tasted one on this planet’
‘— but it’s an early death for the pig. Will the court take judicial notice of an activity known as “Mars” Invisible Export?”‘
‘The tourist trade? Certainly, if it’s necessary to your theory.’
‘Objection!’
‘Just hang on to that objection, Herbert; she may not establish a connection. Proceed.’
‘Let’s find out who eats that pig. Your tariff rules, so it has been explained, are to keep citizens of the Commonwealth from wasting valuable foreign exchange on unnecessary frills. You’ve got a credit gap —’
‘Regrettably, we have. We don’t propose to increase it’
‘That’s my point. Who pays the bill? Do you go sightseeing? Does he?’ She pointed again at the prosecutor. ‘Shucks, no! It’s old stuff to both of you. But I do — I’m a tourist, I rented one of those bicycles not a week ago — and helped close your credit gap. Your honor, we contend that the renting of bicycles to tourists, albeit a luxury to the tourist, is a productive activity for export to the unmixed benefit of every citizen of the Commonwealth and that therefore those bicycles are “articles of production” within the meaning and intent of your tariff laws!’
‘Finished?’ She nodded. ‘Herbert?’
‘Your honor, this is ridiculous! The prosecution has clearly established its case and the defense does not even dare to dispute it I have never heard a more outlandish mixture of special pleading and distortion of the facts. But I am sure the facts are clear to the court. The end use is sightseeing, which the defense agrees is a luxury. Now a luxury is a luxury —,