The gentleman stopped for breath. “What about the negative side?” asked the lady. “You’re supposed to be against”
“Sin. I know,” he replied. “The kinds of sin being legion, let’s stay by the nineteenth-century equation of it with fornication, and see if we can convince enlightened modern youth of the virtue of chastity. Hm-m-m. …
“One doesn’t ordinarily get positive results by saying, when first introduced to a girl, ‘How do
A PHILOSOPHICAL DIALOGUE
249
you do? Do you fornicate?’ At least, I never did, though I admit being too chicken to try. A certain amount of courtship is involved. And even after they have bedded, a couple must find things to do outside of this, or the relationship will perish of boredom and thus the fornication will stop.
“Therefore sinning takes time that could better t>e spent in demonstrating, rioting, and other socially conscious activities. It induces people to buy gifts for each other, making more profits for the corrupt establishment. They tend to drive around in automobiles, befouling the atmosphere. The mechanical contraceptives they throw away are not very bio-degradable. Or, if they use pills, these are produced in factories whose effluents doubtless go into the rivers.
“Obviously, the only way to be with it nowadays is to stay celibate.”
“Really?” she murmured.
“I am a hopeless reactionary,” he reminded her.
“You haven’t finished,” she said. “You’ve still got the man-eating shark.”
“Forget it. A shark is not what I want right nowoh, all right. Simple. If man-eating sharks are around, people avoid swimming. This has several bad effects. For one, they don’t get close to nature in that particular fashion. Instead, they stay in town, going to a movie or drinking in a bar or otherwise helping support the corrupt establishment. Furthermore, if they don’t swim, they’re less aware of the extent to which the water is polluted, and thus less likely to get
250
The Unicorn Trade
active in the struggle to save our environment. And finally, when a shark does eat a man, it converts him to ordure, and too much untreated human waste is already being dumped into the oceans.
“Are you satisfied?”
“Not yet,” she said.
“Same here,” he agreed. “Let’s stop talking and develop a meaningful relationship.”
“Can’t we just have fun?” she asked.
Poul Anderson
PROFESSOR JAMES
(melody: “Jesse James”)
Moriarty was the name of brothers both called
James,
A colonel and a former math professor. The prof went bad in time, and so he turned to
crime The crafty brain of which he was possessor.
(Chorus) Moriarty in his time was Napo—leon of crime. He wanted not for ally nor for
slave.
But Sherlock was the guy who wouldn’t drop or die, And he laid Moriarty in his grave.
Moriarty squatted and feloniously plotted In the spiderweb of tangled London town. A thread had but to twitch, and ‘twould help to
make him rich; He’d dream a scheme and sell it for cash
down.
When Sherlock crossed his path, he first withheld his wrath.
But soon his plots were hampered absolutely.
He swore that he respected Holmes’ style as he detected
251
252 The Unicom Trade
He’d murder Holmes regretting it acutely.
He didn’t offer payoff, but he did ask Holmes to
lay off,
Explaining that he otherwise must die. Sherlock said to him, “Although the prospect’s
grim, At least we’ll go together, you and I.”
Now Moriarty swore he’d save his own dear
gore,
And sent his hoods to fix an accident: But Sherlock was too wary and he knew he
shouldn’t tarry, So he dodged them all and toured the
Continent.
The little fish were netted, the ones the prof
abetted,
By evidence that Holmes sent Scotland Yard; But the shark himself got free across the narrow
sea And hunted Holmes to catch him off his guard.
Moriarty found the track that led to
Reichenbach
And by a trick got Sherlock all alone. A note upon the brink was the end, as all did
think, Of the best and wisest man we’ve ever known.
The Final Problem’s end had robbed us of our
friend And left a void that no one else could fill.
PROFESSOR JAMES
253
But his fire no man could douse, and in The