room. She was feeling her way forward, as if she had been stricken
blind, curious but at first unafraid. She was actually smiling,
because she was convinced that something wonderful awaited her in a
warm, welllighted place beyond the darkness. Treasure. Pleasure.
Enlightenment, peace, joy, and transcendence waiting for her, if she
could find her way. Sweet peace, freedom from fear, freedom forever,
enlightenment, joy, pleasure more intense than any she had ever known,
waiting, waiting.
But she fumbled through the impenetrable darkness, feeling with hands
extended in front of her, always moving in the wrong direction, turning
this way and that, that way and this. Curiosity became overpowering
desire. She wanted whatever lay beyond the wall of night, wanted it as
badly as she had ever wanted anything in her life, more than food or
love or wealth or happiness, for it was all those things and more.
Find the door, the door and the light beyond, the wonderful door,
beautiful light, peace and joy, freedom and pleasure, release from
sorrow. transformation, so close, achingly close, reach out, reach.
Want became need, compulsion became obsession. She had to have
whatever awaited hen -joy, peace, freedom–so she ran into the cloying
blackness, heedless of danger, plunged forward, frantic to find the
way, the path, the truth, the door, joy forever, no more fear of death,
no fear of anything, paradise, sought it with increasing desperation,
but ran always away from it instead.
Now a voice called to her, strange and wordless, frightening but
alluring, trying to show her the way, joy and peace and an end to all
sadness. Just accept. Accept. It was reaching out for her, if only
she would turn the right way, find it, touch it, embrace it. She
stopped running. Abruptly she realized that she didn’t have to seek
the gift after all, for she was standing in Its presence, in the house
of joy, the palace of peace, the kingdom of enlightenment. All that
she had to do was let it in, open a door within herself and let it in,
let it in, open herself to inconceivable joy, paradise, paradise,
paradise, surrender to pleasure and happiness. She wanted it, she
really did oh-so-eagerly want it, because life was hard when it didn’t
have to be But some stubborn part of her resisted the gift, some teful
and proud part of her complex self.
She sensed frustration of him who wished to give this gift, the iver in
the darkness, felt frustration and maybe anger, she said, I’m sorry,
I’m so sorry.
Now the gift–joy, peace, love, pleasure–was thrust on her with
tremendous force, brutal and unrelenting ressure, until she felt she
would be crushed by it. The darkness around her acquired weight, as if
she lay deep in a fathomless sea, though it was far heavier and
thicker than water, surrounding her, smothing, crushing. Must submit,
useless to resist, let it in, submission was peace, submission was joy,
paradise, paradise. Refusal to submit would mean pain beyond anything
she could imagine, despair and agony as only hose in hell knew it, so
she must submit, open the door within herself, let it in, accept, be at
peace.
Hammering Dn her soul, ramming and pounding, fierce and irresistible
hammering, hammering: Let it in, let it in, in, In. … IT … IN.
Suddenly she found the secret door within herself, pathway to joy, gate
to peace eternal. She seized the knob, twisted, heard the latch click,
pulled inward, shaking with anticipation. Through the slowly widening
crack: a glimpse of the Giver.
Glistening and dark. Writhing and quick. Hiss of triumph. Coldness
at the threshold. Slam the door, slam the door, slam the door,
slamthedoor– ..
Heather exploded from sleep, cast back the covers, rolled out of bed
onto her feet in one fluid and frantic movement. Her booming heart
kept knocking the breath out of her as she tried to inhale. A dream.
Only a dream. But no dream in her experience had ever been so
intense.
Maybe the thing beyond the door had followed her out of sleep into the
real world. Crazy thought. Couldn’t shake it.
Wheezing thinly, she fumbled with the nightstand lamp, found the