“And so they shall, my boy, when you have performed the great deed for which you are destined to be renowned.”
“What deed is that, Uncle?”
“Winning through the various dangers that stand between you and Princess Scarlet, the Napping Beauty.”
“Princess who? What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the great deed that will make you world-famous, and give you happiness beyond human measure.”
“Oh. That sounds good. Go on, Uncle. You mentioned a sleeping princess?”
“Napping, not sleeping. But it is a severe disability all the same. My boy, it is written that only a kiss from your lips can awaken her from this spell. When she awakens and beholds you, she will fall madly in love with you. You will also fall in love with her, and everybody will be very happy.”
“She’s good-looking, this princess?” asked Charming.
“You better believe it,” Azzie said. “You will awaken her with a kiss. She will open her eyes and look at you. Her arms will close softly around your neck, she will lift her face to yours, and you will know bliss of an order seldom experienced by mortal man.”
“It’ll be fun, huh?” said the Prince. “Is that what you mean, Uncle?”
“Fun is too mild a word for the pleasure you will feel.”
“Sounds great,” Charming said. He got up and tried a few steps around the room. “Let’s go do it now, okay? I’ll kiss her and then she and I can start having fun.”
“It can’t be quite as fast as that,” Azzie said.
“Why not?”
“It is not easy to reach the Princess. You must fight your way through many perils.”
“What sort of perils? Dangerous ones?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” Azzie said. “But don’t worry, you’ll win through after Frike and I have supervised your training in arms.”
“I thought you said I was already trained.”
“Well,” said Azzie, “a brushup will do no harm.”
“Frankly,” Charming said, “this whole thing sounds dangerous.’
“Of course it is,” Azzie said. “That’s how it is with perils. But that doesn’t matter, you’ll be fine. Frike and I will give you instruction in weapons, and then you will set forth.”
“Weapons are dangerous. Other people can kill you with them. I remember that much.”
You would, with your coward’s heart, Azzie thought. Aloud he said, “You’ll have superior weapons which none can oppose. And magical spells. And, most important of all, a magic sword.”
“Swords!” Charming said, with a disgusted expression. “Now I remember swords! Horrible pointed things people use to open up great cuts in each other.”
“But think of the cause,” Azzie said. “Think of the Princess! You will fight, of course, but I assure you, you will prevail.”
“I couldn’t do it,” Charming said. “No, I’m sorry, but I just couldn’t.”
“Why not?” Azzie demanded.
“Because I remember now, I’m a conscientious objector,” Charming said.
“The hell you say! You’ve just been reborn! That is, brought out of the deep sleep caused by your wounds. How can you suddenly be a conscientious objector?”
“Because I know very well,” Charming said, “that if I were in a situation where violence was imminent, I would simply faint dead away.”
Azzie looked at Frike, who looked vacantly at a spot on the wall. Even this innocent-seeming movement was capable of interpretation. Azzie knew that Frike was secretly mocking him because he had gone to all this trouble to create a Prince Charming and he had had the bad sense to give him a coward’s heart.
“Now, get this straight,” Azzie said to Charming. “You are going to get some training. Then I’m going to get you an enchanted sword that will do away with everything it encounters. And then you are going forth on this quest.”
“What if I get hurt?”
“Prince Charming,” Azzie said sternly, “you had better master this fear of yours. I assure you, you are going to go out of here with a magic sword and see what you can do with it; or you are going to get it from me. And since I have demonic friends, getting it from me is apt to be more painful than anything you can imagine. Now go to your room and wash up. It is almost time for dinner.”