“How?” I said. “How could you possibly do such a thing? It … It’s illegal!”
“It is perfectly legal,” he said softly. “Believe me, it was done under advice.”
“We’ll just see how that advice holds up in court,” I said. “I was never admitted to grad school, I haven’t submitted a dissertation, I never took any orals or language exams and no notice was filed. Now you tell me how you justify giving me a Ph. D. I’d really like to know.”
“First, you are enrolled here,” he said. “That makes you eligible for a degree.”
“Eligible, yes. Entitled, no. There is a distinction”
“True, but the elements of entitlement are determined by the administration”
“What did you do? Have a special meeting?”
“As a matter of fact, there was one. And it was determined that enrollment as a full-time student was to be deemed indicative of the intention to take a degree. Consequently, if the other factors were met-“
“I’ve never completed a major,” I said.
“The formal course requirements are less rigid when it comes to the matter of an advanced degree.”
“But I never took a B.A.!”
He smiled, thought better of it, erased it.
“If you will read the regulations very carefully,” he said, “you will see that nowhere do they state that a baccalaureate is a prerequisite for an advanced degree. A ‘suitable equivalent’ is sufficient to produce a ‘qualified candidate.’ They are phrases of art, Fred, and the administration does the construing.”
“Even granting that, the dissertation requirement is written into the regs. I’ve read that part.”
“Yes. But then there is Sacred Ground: A Study of Ritual Areas, the book you submitted to the university press. It is sufficiently appropriate to warrant treatment as an anthropology dissertation.”
“I’ve never submitted it to the department for anything.”
“No, but the editor asked Dr. Lawrence’s opinion of it. His opinion, among other things, was that it would do for a dissertation.”
“I’ll nail you on that point when I get you in court,” I said. “But go on. I’m fascinated. Tell me how I did on my orals.”
“Well,” he said, looking away, “the professors who would have sat on your board agreed unanimously to waive the orals in your case. You have been around so long and they know you so well that they considered it an unnecessary formality. Besides, two of them were classmates of yours as undergraduates and they felt kind of funny about it.”
“I’ll bet they did. Let me finish the story myself. The heads of the language departments involved decided I had taken sufficient courses in their respective bailiwicks to warrant their certifying as to my reading abilities. Right?”
“That, basically, is it.”
“It was easier to give me a doctorate than a B.A.?”
“Yes, it was.”
I wanted to hit him again, but that wasn’t the answer. I drove my fist into my palm, several times.
“Why?” I said. “Now I know how you did it, but the really important thing is why.” I began to pace. “I’ve paid this university its tuitions, its fees, for some thirteen years now-a decent little sum when you stop to add things up- and I’ve never bounced a check here, or anything like that. I have always gotten along well with the faculty, the administration, the other students. Except for my climbing, I’ve never been in any really serious trouble, done anything to give the place a black eye … Pardon me. What I am trying to say is that I’ve been a pretty decent customer for what you are selling. Then what happens? I turn my back, I go out of town for a little while and you slip me a Ph. D. Do I deserve that kind of treatment after giving you my patronage all this time? I think it was a rotten thing to do and I want an explanation. Now, I want one. Now! Do you really hate me that much?”
“Feelings had nothing to do with it,” he said, raising his hand slowly to prod the upper reaches of his cheek. “I told you I wanted to get you out of here because I did not approve of your attitude, your style. That still holds. But this was none of my doing. In fact, I opposed it There were-well-pressures brought to bear on us.”