Goldsmiths Friend Abroad Again by Mark Twain

and freighted with such prodigious consequence to my wife and children,

began, progressed, ended, was recorded in the books, noted down by the

newspaper reporters, and forgotten by everybody but me–all in the little

space of two minutes!

“Ah Song Hi, Chinaman. Officers O’Flannigan and O’Flaherty, witnesses.

Come forward, Officer O’Flannigan.”

OFFICER–“He was making a disturbance in Kearny street.”

JUDGE–“Any witnesses on the other side?” No response. The white friend

raised his eyes encountered Officer O’Flaherty’s–blushed a little–got

up and left the courtroom, avoiding all glances and not taking his own

from the floor.

JUDGE–“Give him five dollars or ten days.”

In my desolation there was a glad surprise in the words; but it passed

away when I found that he only meant that I was to be fined five dollars

or imprisoned ten days longer in default of it.

There were twelve or fifteen Chinamen in our crowd of prisoners, charged

with all manner of little thefts and misdemeanors, and their cases were

quickly disposed of, as a general thing. When the charge came from a

policeman or other white man, he made his statement and that was the end

of it, unless the Chinaman’s lawyer could find some white person to

testify in his client’s behalf, for, neither the accused Chinaman nor his

countrymen being allowed to say anything, the statement of the officers

or other white person was amply sufficient to convict. So, as I said,

the Chinamen’s cases were quickly disposed of, and fines and imprisonment

promptly distributed among them. In one or two of the cases the charges

against Chinamen were brought by Chinamen themselves, and in those cases

Chinamen testified against Chinamen, through the interpreter; but the

fixed rule of the court being that the preponderance of testimony in such

cases should determine the prisoner’s guilt or innocence, and there being

nothing very binding about an oath administered to the lower orders of

our people without the ancient solemnity of cutting off a chicken’s head

and burning some yellow paper at the same time, the interested parties

naturally drum up a cloud of witnesses who are cheerfully willing to give

evidence without ever knowing anything about the matter in hand. The

judge has a custom of rattling through with as much of this testimony as

his patience will stand, and then shutting off the rest and striking an

average.

By noon all the business of the court was finished, and then several of

us who had not fared well were remanded to prison; the judge went home;

the lawyers, and officers, and spectators departed their several ways,

and left the uncomely court-room to silence, solitude, and Stiggers, the

newspaper reporter, which latter would now write up his items (said an

ancient Chinaman to me), in the which he would praise all the policemen

indiscriminately and abuse the Chinamen and dead people.

AH SONG HI.

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