“Oh, I see!” he said. “Why, delighted, old man, quite delighted!”
“Any small part would do. Isn’t there a maid or something in your bob’s-worth of refined entertainment who drifts about saying, ‘Yes, madam,’ and all that sort of thing? Well, then that’s just the thing. Topping! I knew I could rely on you, old bird. I’ll get Lucille to ship her round to your address when she arrives. I fancy she’s due to totter in somewhere in the next few days. Well, I must be popping. Toodle-oo!”
“Pip-pip!” said Reggie.
It was about a week later that Lucille came into the suite at the Hotel Cosmopolis that was her home, and found Archie lying on the couch, smoking a refreshing pipe after the labours of the day. It seemed to Archie that his wife was not in her usual cheerful frame of mind. He kissed her, and, having relieved her of her parasol, endeavoured without success to balance it on his chin. Having picked it up from the floor and placed it on the table, he became aware that Lucille was looking at him in a despondent sort of way. Her grey eyes were clouded.
“Halloa, old thing,” said Archie. “What’s up?”
Lucille sighed wearily.
“Archie, darling, do you know any really good swear-words?”
“Well,” said Archie, reflectively, “let me see. I did pick up a few tolerably ripe and breezy expressions out in France. All through my military career there was something about me–some subtle magnetism, don’t you know, and that sort of thing–that seemed to make colonels and blighters of that order rather inventive. I sort of inspired them, don’t you know. I remember one brass-hat addressing me for quite ten minutes, saying something new all the time. And even then he seemed to think he had only touched the fringe of the subject. As a matter of fact, he said straight out in the most frank and confiding way that mere words couldn’t do justice to me. But why?”
“Because I want to relieve my feelings.”
“Anything wrong?”
“Everything’s wrong. I’ve just been having tea with Bill and his Mabel.”
“Oh, ah!” said Archie, interested. “And what’s the verdict?”
“Guilty!” said Lucille. “And the sentence, if I had anything to do with it, would be transportation for life.” She peeled off her gloves irritably. “What fools men are! Not you, precious! You’re the only man in the world that isn’t, it seems to me. You did marry a nice girl, didn’t you? YOU didn’t go running round after females with crimson hair, goggling at them with your eyes popping out of your head like a bulldog waiting for a bone.”
“Oh, I say! Does old Bill look like that?”
“Worse!”
Archie rose to a point of order.
“But one moment, old lady. You speak of crimson hair. Surely old Bill–in the extremely jolly monologues he used to deliver whenever I didn’t see him coming and he got me alone–used to allude to her hair as brown.”
“It isn’t brown now. It’s bright scarlet. Good gracious, I ought to know. I’ve been looking at it all the afternoon. It dazzled me. If I’ve got to meet her again, I mean to go to the oculist’s and get a pair of those smoked glasses you wear at Palm Beach.” Lucille brooded silently for a while over the tragedy. “I don’t want to say anything against her, of course.”
“No, no, of course not.”
“But of all the awful, second-rate girls I ever met, she’s the worst! She has vermilion hair and an imitation Oxford manner. She’s so horribly refined that it’s dreadful to listen to her. She’s a sly, creepy, slinky, made-up, insincere vampire! She’s common! She’s awful! She’s a cat!”
“You’re quite right not to say anything against her,” said Archie, approvingly. “It begins to look,” he went on, “as if the good old pater was about due for another shock. He has a hard life!”
“If Bill DARES to introduce that girl to Father, he’s taking his life in his hands.”
“But surely that was the idea–the scheme–the wheeze, wasn’t it? Or do you think there’s any chance of his weakening?”
“Weakening! You should have seen him looking at her! It was like a small boy flattening his nose against the window of a candy-store.”