VERGES Nay, by’r our lady, that I think a’ cannot.
DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows
the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without
the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought
to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a
man against his will.
VERGES By’r lady, I think it be so.
DOGBERRY Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be
any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your
fellows’ counsels and your own; and good night.
Come, neighbour.
Watchman Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here
upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.
DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch
about Signior Leonato’s door; for the wedding being
there to-morrow, there is a great coil to-night.
Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.
Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES
Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE
BORACHIO What Conrade!
Watchman [Aside] Peace! stir not.
BORACHIO Conrade, I say!
CONRADE Here, man; I am at thy elbow.
BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a
scab follow.
CONRADE I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward
with thy tale.
BORACHIO Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for
it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard,
utter all to thee.
Watchman [Aside] Some treason, masters: yet stand close.
BORACHIO Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
CONRADE Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?
BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
villany should be so rich; for when rich villains
have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
price they will.
CONRADE I wonder at it.
BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that
the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is
nothing to a man.
CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.
BORACHIO I mean, the fashion.
CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But
seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion
is?
Watchman [Aside] I know that Deformed; a’ has been a vile
thief this seven year; a’ goes up and down like a
gentleman: I remember his name.
BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?
CONRADE No; ’twas the vane on the house.
BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this
fashion is? how giddily a’ turns about all the hot
bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty?
sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers
in the reeky painting, sometime like god Bel’s
priests in the old church-window, sometime like the
shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry,
where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
CONRADE All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears
out more apparel than the man. But art not thou
thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast
shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
BORACHIO Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night
wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the
name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress’
chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good
night,–I tell this tale vilely:–I should first
tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master,
planted and placed and possessed by my master Don
John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
CONRADE And thought they Margaret was Hero?
BORACHIO Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the
devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly
by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by
the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly
by my villany, which did confirm any slander that
Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore
he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning
at the temple, and there, before the whole
congregation, shame her with what he saw o’er night
and send her home again without a husband.
First Watchman We charge you, in the prince’s name, stand!
Second Watchman Call up the right master constable. We have here
recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that
ever was known in the commonwealth.
First Watchman And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a’
wears a lock.
CONRADE Masters, masters,–
Second Watchman You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
CONRADE Masters,–
First Watchman Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.
BORACHIO We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken
up of these men’s bills.
CONRADE A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey you.
Exeunt
Scene 4
HERO’s apartment.
Enter HERO, MARGARET, and URSULA
HERO Good Ursula, wake my cousin Beatrice, and desire
her to rise.
URSULA I will, lady.
HERO And bid her come hither.
URSULA Well.
Exit
MARGARET Troth, I think your other rabato were better.
HERO No, pray thee, good Meg, I’ll wear this.
MARGARET By my troth, ‘s not so good; and I warrant your
cousin will say so.
HERO My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another: I’ll wear
none but this.
MARGARET I like the new tire within excellently, if the hair
were a thought browner; and your gown’s a most rare
fashion, i’ faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s
gown that they praise so.
HERO O, that exceeds, they say.
MARGARET By my troth, ‘s but a night-gown in respect of
yours: cloth o’ gold, and cuts, and laced with
silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves,
and skirts, round underborne with a bluish tinsel:
but for a fine, quaint, graceful and excellent
fashion, yours is worth ten on ‘t.
HERO God give me joy to wear it! for my heart is
exceeding heavy.
MARGARET ‘Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.
HERO Fie upon thee! art not ashamed?
MARGARET Of what, lady? of speaking honourably? Is not
marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord
honourable without marriage? I think you would have
me say, ‘saving your reverence, a husband:’ and bad
thinking do not wrest true speaking, I’ll offend
nobody: is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a
husband’? None, I think, and it be the right husband
and the right wife; otherwise ’tis light, and not
heavy: ask my Lady Beatrice else; here she comes.
Enter BEATRICE
HERO Good morrow, coz.
BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero.
HERO Why how now? do you speak in the sick tune?
BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks.
MARGARET Clap’s into ‘Light o’ love;’ that goes without a
burden: do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.
BEATRICE Ye light o’ love, with your heels! then, if your
husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall
lack no barns.
MARGARET O illegitimate construction! I scorn that with my heels.
BEATRICE ‘Tis almost five o’clock, cousin; tis time you were
ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill: heigh-ho!
MARGARET For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?
BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all, H.
MARGARET Well, and you be not turned Turk, there’s no more
sailing by the star.
BEATRICE What means the fool, trow?
MARGARET Nothing I; but God send every one their heart’s desire!
HERO These gloves the count sent me; they are an
excellent perfume.
BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin; I cannot smell.
MARGARET A maid, and stuffed! there’s goodly catching of cold.
BEATRICE O, God help me! God help me! how long have you
professed apprehension?
MARGARET Even since you left it. Doth not my wit become me rarely?
BEATRICE It is not seen enough, you should wear it in your
cap. By my troth, I am sick.
MARGARET Get you some of this distilled Carduus Benedictus,
and lay it to your heart: it is the only thing for a qualm.
HERO There thou prickest her with a thistle.
BEATRICE Benedictus! why Benedictus? you have some moral in
this Benedictus.
MARGARET Moral! no, by my troth, I have no moral meaning; I
meant, plain holy-thistle. You may think perchance
that I think you are in love: nay, by’r lady, I am
not such a fool to think what I list, nor I list
not to think what I can, nor indeed I cannot think,
if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you
are in love or that you will be in love or that you
can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and
now is he become a man: he swore he would never
marry, and yet now, in despite of his heart, he eats
his meat without grudging: and how you may be
converted I know not, but methinks you look with
your eyes as other women do.
BEATRICE What pace is this that thy tongue keeps?
MARGARET Not a false gallop.
Re-enter URSULA
URSULA Madam, withdraw: the prince, the count, Signior
Benedick, Don John, and all the gallants of the