Butlers as a class seem to grow less and less like anything human in proportion to the magnificence of their surroundings. There is a type of butler employed in the comparatively modest homes of small country gentlemen who is practically a man and a brother; who hobnobs with the local tradesmen, sings a good comic song at the village inn, and in times of crisis will even turn to and work the pump when the water supply suddenly fails.
The greater the house the more does the butler diverge from this type. Blandings Castle was one of the more important of England’s show places, and Beach accordingly had acquired a dignified inertia that almost qualified him for inclusion in the vegetable kingdom. He moved–when he moved at all–slowly. He distilled speech with the air of one measuring out drops of some precious drug. His heavy-lidded eyes had the fixed expression of a statue’s.
With an almost imperceptible wave of a fat white hand, he conveyed to Ashe that he desired him to sit down. With a stately movement of his other hand, he picked up a kettle, which simmered on the hob. With an inclination of his head, he called Ashe’s attention to a decanter on the table.
In another moment Ashe was sipping a whisky toddy, with the feeling that he had been privileged to assist at some mystic rite. Mr. Beach, posting himself before the fire and placing his bands behind his back, permitted speech to drip from him.
“I have not the advantage of your name, Mr.—-”
Ashe introduced himself. Beach acknowledged the information with a half bow.
“You must have had a cold ride, Mr. Marson. The wind is in the east.”
Ashe said yes; the ride had been cold.
“When the wind is in the east,” continued Mr. Beach, letting each syllable escape with apparent reluctance, “I suffer from my feet.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I suffer from my feet,” repeated the butler, measuring out the drops. “You are a young man, Mr. Marson. Probably you do not know what it is to suffer from your feet.” He surveyed Ashe, his whisky toddy and the wall beyond him, with heavy-lidded inscrutability. “Corns!” he said.
Ashe said he was sorry.
“I suffer extremely from my feet–not only corns. I have but recently recovered from an ingrowing toenail. I suffered greatly from my ingrowing toenail. I suffer from swollen joints.”
Ashe regarded this martyr with increasing disfavor. It is the flaw in the character of many excessively healthy young men that, though kind-hearted enough in most respects, they listen with a regrettable feeling of impatience to the confessions of those less happily situated as regards the ills of the flesh. Rightly or wrongly, they hold that these statements should be reserved for the ear of the medical profession, and other and more general topics selected for conversation with laymen.
“I’m sorry,” he said hastily. “You must have had a bad time. Is there a large house party here just now?”
“We are expecting,” said Mr. Beach, “a number of guests. We shall in all probability sit down thirty or more to dinner.”
“A responsibility for you,” said Ashe ingratiatingly, well pleased to be quit of the feet topic.
Mr. Beach nodded.
“You are right, Mr. Marson. Few persons realize the responsibilities of a man in my position. Sometimes, I can assure you, it preys on my mind, and I suffer from nervous headaches.”
Ashe began to feel like a man trying to put out a fire which, as fast as he checks it at one point, breaks out at another.
“Sometimes when I come off duty everything gets blurred. The outlines of objects grow indistinct and misty. I have to sit down in a chair. The pain is excruciating.”
“But it helps you to forget the pain in your feet.”
“No, no. I suffer from my feet simultaneously.”
Ashe gave up the struggle.
“Tell me all about your feet,” he said.
And Mr. Beach told him all about his feet.
The pleasantest functions must come to an end, and the moment. arrived when the final word on the subject of swollen joints was spoken. Ashe, who had resigned himself to a permanent contemplation of the subject, could hardly believe he heard correctly when, at the end of some ten minutes, his companion changed the conversation.