III
The days were like Shelley’s leaves: yellow, red, brown, whipped in bright gusts by the west wind. They swirled past me with the rattle of microfilm. Almost all of the books were recorded now. It would take scholars years to get through them, to properly assess their value. Mars was locked in my desk. Ecclesiastes, abandoned and returned to a dozen times, was almost ready to speak in the High Tongue. I whistled when I wasn’t in the Temple. I wrote reams of poetry I would have been ashamed of before. Evenings I would walk with Braxa, across the dunes or up into the mountains. Sometimes she would dance for me; and I would read something long, and in dactylic hexameter. She still thought I was Rilke, and I almost kidded myself into believing it. Here I was, staying at the Caste Duino, writing his _Elegies_.
_…It is strange to inhabit the Earth no more, to use no longer customs scarce acquired, nor interpret roses…_
No! Never interpret roses! Don’t. Smell them (sniff, Kane!), pick them, enjoy them. Live in the moment. Hold to it tightly. but charge not the gods to explain. So fast the leaves go by, are blown… And no one ever noticed us. Or cared. Laura. Laura and Braxa. They rhyme, you know, with a bit of clash. Tall, cool, and blonde was she (I hate blondes!), and Daddy had turned me inside out, like a pocket, and I thought she could fill me again. But the big, beat work-slinger, with Judas-beard and dog-trust in his eyes, oh, he had been a fine decoration at her parties. And that was all. How the machine cursed me in the Temple! It blasphemed Malann and Gallinger. And the wild west wind went by and something was not far behind. The last days were upon us.
A day went by and I did not see Braxa, and a night. And a second. And a third. I was half-mad. I hadn’t realized how close we had become, how important she had been. With the dumb assurance of presence, I had fought against questioning the roses. I had to ask. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. “Where is she, M’Cwyie? Where is Braxa?” “She is gone,” she said. “Where?” “I do not know.” I looked at those devil-bird eyes. Anathema maranatha rose to my lips. “I must know.” She looked through me. “She has left us. She is gone. Up into the hills, I suppose. Or the desert. It does not matter. What does anything matter? The dance draws itself to a close. The Temple will soon be empty.” “Why? Why did she leave?” “I do not know.” “I must see her again. We lift off in a matter of days.” “I am sorry, Gallinger.” “So am I,” I said, and slammed shut a book without saying “m’narra.” I stood up. “I will find her.” I left the Temple. M’Cwyie was a seated statue. My boots were still where I had left them.
All day I roared up and down the dunes, going nowhere. To the crew of the _Aspic_ I must have looked like a sandstorm, all by myself. Finally, I had to return for more fuel. Emory came stalking out. “Okay, make it good. You look like the abominable dust man. Why the rodeo?” “Why, I, uh, lost something.” “In the middle of the desert? Was it one of your sonnets? They’re the only thing I can think of that you’d make such a fuss over.” “No, dammit! It was something personal.” George had finished filling the tank. I started to mount the jeepster again. “Hold on there!” he grabbed my arm. “You’re not going back until you tell me what this is all about.” I could have broken his grip, but then he could order me dragged back by the heels, and quite a few people would enjoy doing the dragging. So I forced myself to speak slowly, softly: “It’s simply that I lost my watch. My mother gave it to me and it’s a family heirloom. I want to find it before we leave.” “You sure it’s not in your cabin, or down in Tirellian?” “I’ve already checked.” “Maybe somebody hid it to irritate you. You know you’re not the most popular guy around.” I shook my head. “I thought of that. But I always carry it in my right pocket. I think it might have bounced out going over the dunes.” He narrowed his eyes. “I remember reading on a book jacket that your mother died when you were born.” “That’s right,” I said, biting my tongue. “The watch belonged to her father and she wanted me to have it. My father kept it for me.” “Hmph!” he snorted. “That’s a pretty strange way to look for a watch, riding up and down in a jeepster.” “I could see the light shining off it that way,” I offered, lamely. “Well, it’s starting to get dark,” he observed. “No sense looking any more today. “Throw a dust sheet over the jeepster,” he directed a mechanic. He patted my arm. “Come on in and get a shower, and something to eat. You look as if you could use both.” _Little fatty flecks beneath pale eyes, thinning hair, and an Irish nose; a voice a decibel louder than anyone else’s…_ His only qualification for leadership! I stood there, hating him. Claudius! If only this were the fifth act! But suddenly the idea of a shower, and food, came through to me. I could use both badly. If I insisted on hurrying back immediately I might arouse more suspicion. So I brushed some sand from my sleeve. “You’re right. That sounds like a good idea.” “Come on, we’ll eat in my cabin.” The shower was a blessing, clean khakis were the grace of God, and the food smelled like Heaven. “Smells pretty good,” I said. We hacked up our steaks in silence. When we got to the dessert and coffee he suggested: “Why don’t you take the night off? Stay here and get some sleep.” I shook my head. “I’m pretty busy. Finishing up. There’s not much time left.” “A couple of days ago you said you were almost finished.” “Almost, but not quite.” “You also said they’re be holding a service in the Temple tonight.” “That’s right. I’m going to work in my room.” He shrugged his shoulders. Finally, he said, “Gallinger,” and I looked up because my name means trouble. “It shouldn’t be any of my business,” he said, “but it is. Betty says you have a girl down there.” There was no question mark. It was a statement hanging in the air. Waiting. _Betty, you’re a bitch. You’re a cow and a bitch. And a jealous one, at that. Why didn’t you keep your nose where it belonged, shut your eyes? You mouth?_ “So?” I said, a statement with a question mark. “So,” he answered it, “it is my duty, as head of this expedition, to see that relations with the natives are carried on in a friendly, and diplomatic, manner.” “You speak of them,” I said, “as though they are aborigines. Nothing could be further from the truth.” I rose. “When my papers are published everyone on Earth will know that truth. I’ll tell them things Doctor Moore never even guessed at. I’ll tell the tragedy of a doomed race, waiting for death, resigned and disinterested. I’ll write about it, and they will give me more prizes, and this time I won’t want them. “My God!” I exclaimed. “They had a culture when our ancestors were clubbing the saber-tooth and finding out how fire works!” “_Do_ you have a girl down there?” “Yes!” I said. Yes, _Claudius! Yes, Daddy! Yes, Emory!_ “I do. but I’m going to let you in on a scholarly scoop now. They’re already dead. They’re sterile. In one more generation there won’t be any Martians.” I paused, then added, “Except in my papers, except on a few pieces of microfilm and tape. And in some poems, about a girl who did give a damn and could only bitch about the unfairness of it all by dancing.” “Oh,” he said. After awhile: “You _have_ been behaving differently these past couple months. You’ve even been downright civil on occasion, you know. I couldn’t help wondering what was happening. I didn’t know anything mattered that strongly to you.” I bowed my head. “Is she the reason you were racing around the desert?” I nodded. “Why?” I looked up. “Because she’s out there, somewhere. I don’t know where, or why. And I’ve got to find her before we go.” “Oh,” he said again. Then he leaned back, opened a drawer, and took out something wrapped in a towel. He unwound it. A framed photo of a woman lay on the table. “My wife,” he said. It was an attractive face, with big, almond eyes. “I’m a Navy man, you know,” he began. “Young officer once. Met her in Japan.” “Where I come from it wasn’t considered right to marry into another race, so we never did. But she was my wife. When she died I was on the other side of the world. They took my children, and I’ve never seen them since. I couldn’t learn what orphanage, what home, they were put into. That was long ago. Very few people know about it.” “I’m sorry,” I said. “Don’t be. Forget it. But”–he shifted in his chair and looked at me–“if you do want to take her back with you–do it. It’ll mean my neck, but I’m too old to ever head another expedition like this one. So go ahead.” He gulped cold coffee. “Get your jeepster.” He swiveled the chair around. I tried to say “thank you” twice, but I couldn’t. So I got up and walked out. “Sayonara, and all that,” he muttered behind me.