He would go through them. He took the red bulb in his left hand, put his knees on the
table, and paused for just a moment, gauging the angle while his Norseman’s prick made
his own angle up and out from his slight boy’s body.
Dimly, far off, he could hear Dussander reciting: Test run eighty-four. Electricity,
sexual stimulus, metabolism. Based on the Thyssen theories of negative reinforcement.
Subject is a young Jewish girl, approximately sixteen years of age, no scars, no
identifying marks, no known disabilities -‘
She cried out when the tip of the dildo touched her. Todd found the cry pleasant, as he
did her fruitless struggles to free herself, or, lacking that, to at least bring her legs
together.
This is what they can’t show in those magazines about the war, he thought, but it’s
there, just the same.
He thrust forward suddenly, parting her with no grace. She shrieked like a firebell.
After her initial thrashing and efforts to expel him, she lay perfectly still, enduring.
The lubricated interior of the dildo pulled and slid against Todd’s engorgement.
Delightful. Heavenly. His fingers toyed with the rubber bulb in his left hand.
Far away, Dussander recited pulse, blood pressure, respiration, alpha waves, beta
waves, stroke count.
As the climax began to build inside him, Todd became perfectly still and squeezed the
bulb. Her eyes, which had been closed, flew open, bulging. Her tongue fluttered in the
pink cavity of her mouth. Her arms and legs thrummed. But the real action was in her
torso, rising and falling, vibrating, every muscle
(oh every muscle every muscle moves tightens closes
every)
every muscle and the sensation at climax was
(ecstasy)
oh it was, it was
(the end of the world thundering outside)
He woke to that sound and the sound of rain. He was huddled on his side in a dark
ball, his heart beating at a sprinter’s pace. His lower belly was covered with a warm,
sticky liquid. There was an instant of panicky horror when he feared he might be bleeding
to death … and then he realized what it really was, and he felt a fainting, nauseated
revulsion. Semen. Come. Jizz. Jungle-juice. Words from fences and locker rooms and the
walls of gas station bathrooms. There was nothing here he wanted.
His hands balled helplessly into fists. His dream-climax recurred to him, pallid now,
senseless, frightening. But nerve-endings still tingled, retreating slowly from their spike-
point That final scene, fading now, was disgusting and yet somehow compulsive, like an
unsuspecting bite into a piece of tropical fruit which, you realized (a second too late),
had only tasted so amazingly sweet because it was rotten. It came to him then. What he
would have to do. There was only one way he could get himself back again. He would
have to kill Dussander. It was the only way. Games were done; storytime was over. This
was survival.
‘Kill him and it’s all over,’ he whispered in the darkness, with the rain in the tree
outside and semen drying on his belly. Whispering it made it seem real.
Dussander always kept three or four fifths of Ancient Age on a shelf over the steep cellar stairs. He would go to the door, open it (half-crocked already, more often than
not), and go down two steps. Then he would lean out, put one hand on the shelf, and
grip the fresh bottle by the neck with his other hand. The cellar floor was not paved, but
the din was hard-packed and Dussander, with a machinelike efficiency that Todd now
thought of as Prussian rather than German, oiled it once every two months to keep bugs
from breeding in the dirt Cement or no cement, old bones break easily. And old men
have accidents. The post-mortem would show that ‘Mr Denker’ had had a skinful of
booze when he ‘fell’. What happened, Todd?
He didn’t answer the door so I used the key he made for me. Sometimes he falls
asleep. I went Into the kitchen andsaw the cellar door was open. I went down the
stairs and he …he…
Then, of course, tears.
It would work.
He would have himself back again.
For a long time Todd lay awake in the dark, listening to the thunder retreat westward,
out over the Pacific, listening to the secret sound of the rain. He thought he would stay
awake the rest of the night, going over it and over it But he fell asleep only moments later
and slept dreamlessly with one fist carted under his chin. He woke on the first of May
fully rested for the first time in months.
11
May, 1975.
For Todd, that Friday in the middle of the month was the longest of his life. He sat in
class after class, hearing nothing, waiting only for the last five minutes, when the
instructor a would take out his or her small pile of Flunk Cards and distribute them. Each
time an instructor approached Todd’s desk with that pile of cards, he grew cold. Each
time he or she passed him without stopping, he felt waves of dizziness and a semi-
hysteria.
Algebra was the worst. Storrman approached … hesitated … and just as Todd became
convinced he was going to pass on, he laid a Flunk Card face-down on Todd’s desk. Todd
looked at it coldly, with no feelings at all. Now that it had happened, he was only cold.
Well, that’s it, he thought. Point, game, set, and match. Unless Dussander can think of something else. And I have my doubts.
Without much interest, he turned the Flunk Card over to see by how much he had
missed his C. It must have been dose, but trust old Stony Storrman not to give anyone a
He saw that the grade-spaces were utterly blank -the letter-grade space and the numerical-
grade space. Written in the COMMENTS section was this message: I’m sure glad I don’t have to give you one of these for real! Chas. Storrman.
The dizziness came again, more savagely this time, roaring through his head, making it
feel like a balloon filled with helium. He gripped the sides of his desk as hard as he could,
holding one thought with total obsessive tightness: You will not faint, not faint, not faint.
Little by little the waves of dizziness passed, and then he had to control an urge to run up
the aisle after Storrman, turn him around, and poke his eyes out with the freshly
sharpened pencil he held in his hand. And through it all his face remained carefully blank.
The only sign that anything at all was going inside was a mild tic in one eyelid.
School let out for the week fifteen minutes later. Todd walked slowly around the
building to the bike-racks, his head down, his hands shoved into his pockets, his books
tucked into the crook of his right arm, oblivious of the running, shouting students. He
tossed the books into his bike-basket, unlocked the Schwinn, and pedalled away.
Towards Dussander’s house.
Today, he thought Today is your day, old man.
‘And so,’ Dussander said, pouring bourbon -into his cup as Todd entered the kitchen,
‘the accused returns from the dock. How said they, prisoner?’ He was wearing his
bathrobe and a pair of hairy wool socks that climbed halfway up his shins. Socks like
that, Todd thought, would be easy to slip in. He glanced at the bottle of Ancient Age
Dussander was currently working. It was down to the last three fingers.
‘No Ds, no Fs, no Flunk Cards,’ Todd said. I’ll still have to change some of my grades
in June, but maybe just the averages. I’ll be getting all As and Bs this quarter if I keep up
my work.’
‘Oh, you’ll keep it up, all right,’ Dussander said. ‘We will see to it.’ He drank and then
tipped more bourbon into his cup. This calls for a celebration.’ His speech was slightly
blurred – hardly enough to be noticeable, but Todd knew the old fuck was as drunk as he
ever got. Yes, today. It would have to be today.
But he was cool.
‘Celebrate pigshit,’ he told Dussander.
‘I’m afraid the delivery boy hasn’t arrived with the beluga and the truffles yet,’
Dussander said, ignoring him. ‘Help is so unreliable these days. What about a few Ritz
crackers and some Velveeta while we wait?’
‘Okay,’ Todd said. ‘What the hell.’
Dussander stood up (one knee banged the table, making him wince) and crossed to the
refrigerator. He got out the cheese, took a knife from the drawer and a plate from the
cupboard, and a box of Ritz crackers from the breadbox.
‘All carefully injected with prussic acid,’ he told Todd as he set the cheese and crackers
down on the table. He grinned, and Todd saw that he had left out his false teeth again
today. Nevertheless, Todd smiled back.
‘So quiet today!’ Dussander exclaimed. ‘I would have expected you to turn handsprings