‘Oh, I don’t know, I just keep falling into—’
Rincewind stopped.
‘Yeah,’ said the kangaroo. ‘Strike you as odd, does it?’
‘I thought I was just naturally lucky,’ said Rincewind. He thought about what he’d just said. ‘I must have been crazy.’
There weren’t even flies down here. There was the occasional faint ripple on the water, and that wasn’t comforting, since there wasn’t apparently anything to stir the surface. Up above, the sun was torching the ground and the flies swarmed like, well, flies.
‘Why isn’t there anyone else here?’ he said.
‘Come and see,’ said the kangaroo.
Rincewind raised his hands and backed away. ‘Are we talking teeth and stings and fangs?’
‘Just look at that painting there, mate.’
‘What, the one of the kangaroo?’
‘Which one’s that, mate?’
Rincewind looked along the wall. The kangaroo picture wasn’t where he remembered it.
‘I could’ve sworn—’
‘That’s the one I want you to look at, over there.’
Rincewind looked at the stone. What it showed, outlined in red ochre, were dozens of hands.
He sighed. ‘Oh, right,’ he said, wearily. ‘I see the problem. Exactly the same thing happens to me.’
‘What’re you talking about, mister?’
‘It’s just the same with me when I try to take snaps with an iconograph,’ said Rincewind. ‘You set up a nice picture, the demon paints away, and when you look at it, whoops, you had your thumb in the way. I must have got a dozen pictures of my thumb. No, I can see your lad there, doing his painting, in a bit of a hurry, got his brush all ready then, splosh, he’d forgotten to take his hand off the—’
‘No. It’s the painting underneath I’m talking about, mister.’
Rincewind looked closer. There were fainter lines there, which you’d think were just flaws in the rock if you weren’t looking. Rincewind squinted. Other lines seemed to fit . . . Yes, someone had painted figures . . . They were . . .
He blew away some sand.
Yes, they were . . .
. . . curiously familiar . . .
‘Yes,’ said Scrappy, his voice apparently coming from a distance. ‘Look a bit like you, don’t they . . .?’
‘But they’re—’ he began. He straightened up. ‘How long have these paintings been here?’
‘Well, lessee,’ said the kangaroo. ‘Out of the sun and the weather, nothing to disturb ’em . . . Twenty thousand years?’
‘That’s not right!’
‘Nah, true, prob’ly thirty thousand, in a nice sheltered spot like this.’
‘But these are . . . That’s my . . .’
‘O’ course, when I say thirty thousand years,’ said the kangaroo, ‘I mean it depends how you look at it. Even them hand paintings on the top’ve been there five thousand years, see. And those faint ones . . . Oh, yes, got to be pretty old, tens of thousands of years, except—’
‘Except what?’
They weren’t here last week, mate.’
‘You’re saying they’ve been here for ages . . . but not for very long?’
‘See? I knew you was clever.’
‘And now you’re going to tell me what the hell you’re talking about?’
‘Right.’
‘Excuse me, I’ll just find something to eat.’
Rincewind lifted up a rock. There were a couple of jam sandwiches underneath.
The wizards were civilized men of considerable education and culture. When faced with being inadvertently marooned on a desert island they understood immediately that the first thing to do was place the blame.
‘It really was very clear!’ shouted Ridcully, waving his hand frantically in the air at the place where the window had been. ‘And I put a sign on it!’
‘Yes, but you’ve got a “Do Not Disturb” sign nailed to your study door,’ said the Senior Wrangler, ‘and you still expect Mrs Whitlow to bring you your tea in the mornings!’
‘Gentlemen, please!’ said Ponder Stibbons. ‘We’ve got to sort some things out right now!’
‘Yes indeed!’ roared the Dean. ‘And it was his fault! The sign wasn’t large enough!’
‘I mean we have to—’
‘There are ladies present!’ snapped the Senior Wrangler.
‘Lady.’ Mrs Whitlow uttered the word carefully and with deliberation, like a gambler putting down a winning hand. She stood primly watching them. Her expression said: I’m not worried, because with all these wizards around nothing bad can happen.
The wizards adjusted their attitudes.
‘Ai do apologize if Ai’ve done something wrong,’ she said.
‘Oh, not, not wrong,’ said Ridcully quickly. ‘Not exactly wrong. As such.’
‘Anyone could have done it,’ said the Senior Wrangler. ‘I could hardly read the lettering myself.’
‘And, taking the broad view, it’s certainly better to be stuck out here in the fresh air and sunshine than in that stuffy study,’ Ridcully went on.
‘That’s quite a broad view, sir,’ said Ponder doubtfully.
‘And we’ll be back home in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,’ said Ridcully, beaming.
‘Unfortunately, this doesn’t look a very agricultural sort of—’ Ponder began.
‘Figure of speech, Mister Stibbons, figure of speech.’
The sun’s going down, sir,’ Ponder persisted. ‘Which means it’ll be night time soon.’
Ridcully looked nervously at Mrs Whitlow, and then at the sun.
‘Is there a problem?’ said Mrs Whitlow.
‘Oh, good heavens, no!’ said Ridcully hastily.
‘Ai notice the little hole in the wall doesn’t seem to have come back,’ said Mrs Whitlow.
‘We, er—’
‘It’s a little prank, is it?’ the housekeeper went on. ‘Ai’m sure you gentlemen will have your fun, and no mistake.’
‘Yes, that’s—’
‘But Ai should be grateful if you would send me back now, Archchancellor. We’re doing the laundry this afternoon, and Ai’m afraid we’re having a lot of trouble with the Dean’s sheets.’
The Dean suddenly knew how a mosquito feels in the beam of a searchlight.
‘We’ll sort this out directly, never fear, Mrs Whitlow,’ said Ridcully, not taking his eyes off the wretched Dean. ‘In the meantime, why don’t you take a seat and enjoy the rather wonderful sheets, I mean sunshine?’
There was a clack as the deckchair folded itself up. Then it sneezed.
‘Ah, back with us again, Librarian,’ Ridcully went on, as the orang-utan sprawled in the sand. ‘Help him up, please, Mister Stibbons. A word to the rest of you, please. If you’ll excuse us a moment, Mrs Whitlow? Faculty meeting . . .’
The wizards went into a huddle.
‘It was tomato sauce, all right?’ said the Dean hurriedly. ‘I just happened to be having a snack in bed and you know how that stuff stains!’
‘I’m sure we’re not at all interested in the state of your sheets, Dean,’ said Ridcully.
‘No, indeed,’ said the Senior Wrangler brightly.
‘Not us,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, slapping the Dean on the back.
‘We have to get back,’ said Ridcully. ‘We can’t spend the night alone with Mrs Whitlow. It wouldn’t be decent.’
‘I don’t see why anyone should make a fuss about a bit of tomato sauce. I at least cleaned all the beans off—’
‘Well, we’re not actually alone, are we? Not as such,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘I mean, there’s seven of us, not including the Librarian.’
‘Yes, but we’re all alone together,’ said Ridcully urgently. ‘There could be Talk.’
‘What about?’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies, who sometimes lagged behind.
‘You know,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘Seven men and one woman . . . It doesn’t bear thinking about . . .’
‘Well, I for one will certainly veto any suggestion about ordering another six women,’ said the Chair firmly.
‘Perhaps the hole will open again?’ said the Senior Wrangler.
‘I doubt it,’ said Ridcully. ‘Ponder says that our coming through probably altered the thaumo-static balance. What do you think, Dean?’
‘Just tomato sauce,’ said the Dean. ‘It could have happened to anyone.’
‘I meant about our being marooned on this island,’ said Ridcully. ‘Any ideas, anyone? We must tackle this as a team.’
‘What shall we tell Mrs Whitlow?’ whispered the Senior Wrangler. ‘She thinks this is a prank.’
‘Senior Wrangler, we are elderly, wise and experienced wizards,’ said Ridcully. ‘Students are prankers.’
‘Pranksters, possibly,’ mumbled Ponder Stibbons.
‘Whatever. We do not indulge in pranks.’
‘With us it’s a fully fledged gold-embossed cock-up or nothing,’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
‘I don’t see why people are making such a fuss about a bit of tomato sauce that hardly even shows up,’ muttered the Dean.
‘No one brought any suitable spells?’ said Ridcully.
‘At four in the morning? For the beach?’ said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. ‘Of course not.’
Then we shall have to fall back on our own resources. There’s bound to be a ship along sooner or later. The point is, gentlemen,’ he added, ‘that we are the product of a university education. I’m quite sure primitive people have no difficulties surviving in a place like this, and think of all the things we have that our rude forefathers lacked.’
‘Mrs Whitlow, for a start,’ said the Chair of Indefinite Studies.