But still, one of the most basic rules for survival on any planet is never to upset someone wearing black leather.[21] Rincewind sidled politely past them, giving them a friendly nod and a wave whenever he saw one looking in his direction. For some reason, this caused more of them to take an interest in him.
There were groups of ladies, too, and there was no doubt that if EcksEcksEcksEcks was where a man could stand tall, so could a woman. Some of them were nevertheless very pretty, in an overstated kind of way, although the occasional moustache looked out of place, but Rincewind had been to foreign parts and knew that things could be a bit lush in the more rural regions.
There were more sequins than you usually saw. More feathers, too.
Then it dawned on him in a great rush of relief.
‘Oh, this is a carnival, right?’ he said aloud. This is the Galah they keep talking about.’
‘Pardon you?’ said a lady in a spangly blue dress, who was changing the wheel on a large purple cart.
‘These are carnival floats, aren’t they?’ said Rincewind.
The woman gritted her teeth, rammed the new wheel into place and then released the axle. The can bounced down on to the cobbles.
‘Damn, I think I broke a nail on that,’ she said. She glanced at Rincewind. ‘Yeah, this is the carnival. That dress has seen better days, hasn’t it? Nice moustache, shame about the beard. It’d look good with a tint.’
Rincewind glanced back down the street. The floats and the press of people were hiding him from view, but this wouldn’t last long.
‘Er . . . could you help me, madam?’ he said. ‘Er . . . the Watch are after me.’
They can be so tiresome like that.’
There was a misunderstanding over a sheep.’
There so often is, mate.’ She looked Rincewind up and down. ‘You don’t look like a country boy, I must say.’
‘Me? I get nervous when I see a blade of grass, miss.’
She stared at him. ‘You . . . haven’t been here very long, have you, Mister . . .?’
‘Rincewind, ma’am.’
‘Well, get on the cart, Mister Rincewind. My name’s Letitia.’ She held out a rather large hand. He shook it, and then tried surreptitiously to massage some blood back into his fingers as he scrambled up.
The purple cart had been decorated with huge swathes of pink and lavender, and what looked like roses made out of paper. Boxes, also covered in cloth, had been set up in the centre to give a sort of raised dais.
‘What d’you think?’ said Letitia. The girls worked all arvo.’
The scheme was a bit too feminine for Rincewind’s taste, but he’d been brought up to be polite. He snuggled down, as far out of view as possible.
‘Very nice,’ he said. ‘Very gay.’
‘Glad you think so.’
Up ahead somewhere a band started to play. There was a stirring as people got on to the floats or formed up to march. A couple of women climbed up into the purple cart, all sequins and long gloves, and stared at Rincewind.
‘What the—’ one began.
‘Darleen – we have to talk,’ said Letitia, from the front of the cart.
Rincewind watched them go into a huddle. Occasionally one of them would raise her head and give him an odd look, as if she was reassuring herself that he was here.
Fine big girls they had here, though. He wondered where they got their shoes from.
Rincewind was not intensively familiar with women. Quite a lot of his life that hadn’t been spent at high speed had been passed within the walls of Unseen University, where women were broadly put in the same category as wallpaper or musical instruments – interesting in their way, and no doubt a small but important part of the proper structure of civilization but not, when you got right down to it, essential.
On these occasions when he had spent some time in the intimate company of a woman, it was generally when she was trying to either cut his head off or persuade him to a course of action that would probably get someone else to do it. When a came to women he was not, as it were, capable of much fine-tuning. A few neglected instincts were telling him that something was out of place, but he couldn’t work out what it was.
The one addressed as Darleen strode down the can with a decisive and rather aggressive air. Rincewind pulled his hat off respectfully.
‘Are you coming the raw prawn?’ she demanded.
‘Me? Certainly not, miss. No prawns at all. If I can just lie low until we’re a few streets away, that’s all I ask—’
‘You know what this is, don’t you?’
‘Yes, miss. The carnival.’ Rincewind swallowed. ‘No worries there. Everyone likes dressing up, don’t they?’
‘But are you tellin’ me you really think . . . I mean we . . . What are you staring at my hair for?’
‘Er . . . I was wondering how you get it so sparkly. Are you on the stage at all?’
‘We’re moving, girls,’ Letitia called back. ‘Remember . . . pretty smiles. Leave him alone, Darleen, you don’t know where he’s been.’
The third woman, the one the others had called Neilette, was watching him curiously, and Rincewind felt that there was something not right about her. Her hair wasn’t drab, but it certainly appeared to be when compared with that of her colleagues. She didn’t seem to have enough make-up. She seemed, in short, slightly out of place.
Then he caught sight of a watchman ahead, and flung himself below the edge of the cart. A gap in the boards gave him a view, as the cart turned the corner, of the waiting crowds.
He’d been to quite a number of carnivals, although not usually on purpose. He’d even attended Fat Lunchtime in Genua, generally regarded as the biggest in the world, although he vaguely recalled that he’d been hanging upside down under one of the floats in order to escape pursuers, but right now he couldn’t quite remember why he’d been chased and it was never wise to stop and ask. Although Rincewind had covered quite a lot of the Disc in his life, most of his recollections were like that – a blur. Not through forgetfulness, but because of speed.
This looked like the usual audience. A real carnival procession should only take place after the pubs have been open for a good long time. It adds to the spontaneity. There were cheers, whistles, jeers and catcalls. Up ahead, people were blowing horns. Dancers whirled past Rincewind’s peephole.
He sat back and pulled a swathe of taffeta over his head. This sort of thing always took up a lot of Watch time, what with pickpockets and so on. He’d wait until they were in whatever bit of wasteground these things always ended up in, and drop quietly out of sight.
He glanced down.
These ladies were certainly into shoes in a big way. They had hundreds.
Hundreds of shoes, all lined up, peeking out from under a heap of women’s clothing. Rincewind looked away. There was probably something morally wrong about staring at women’s clothes without women in them.
His head turned back and looked at the shoes again. He was sure that several of them had moved—
A bottle shattered near his head. Glass showered around him. Up above, Darleen uttered a word he’d never have expected on the lips of a lady.
Rincewind raised his head cautiously and another bottle bounced off his hat.
‘Some hoonies having a bit of fun,’ said Darleen, through gritted teeth. There’s always some joker— oh really?’
‘Give us a kiss, mister?’ said a young man who’d leapt on to the edge of the cart, waving a beer can happily.
Rincewind had seen some serious fighters in action, but no one had ever swung a punch like Darleen. Her eyes narrowed, her fist seemed to travel in a complete circle, it met the man’s chin about halfway round and when he disappeared from the wizard’s view he was still rising.
‘Will you look at that?’ Darleen demanded, waving her hand at Rincewind. ‘Ripped! These evening gloves cost a fortune, the bastard!’ A beer can sailed past her ear. ‘Didja see who threw that? Didja? I saw yer, yer mazza! I’ll stick my hand down yer throat and pull yer trousers up!’
The crowd roared their appreciation and derision at the same time. Rincewind caught sight of watchmen’s helmets heading purposefully towards them.
‘Er . . .’ he said.
‘Hey, that’s him! That’s Rinso the bush ranger!’ someone yelled, pointing.
‘It wasn’t bushes, it was just a sheep!’
Rincewind wondered who’d said that, and realized it was him. And there was no escape. And the watchmen were looking up at him. And there was really no escape. The street was packed. There was another fight further up the procession. There were no nearby alleyways, the fugitive’s friend. And the watchmen were fighting their way through the throng, with great difficulty. And the crowd were having the time of their lives. And the huge kangaroo beer sign gleamed overhead.