Beltran touched me lightly on the shoulder; I felt the tumult subside and with a shudder of pain managed to withdraw my consciousness. I covered the matrix quickly and drew my aching hand over my forehead. It came away dripping,
“Zandru’s hells!” I whispered. Never, not in three years at Arilinn, had I even guessed such power. Kadarin, looking at the helicopter thoughtfully, said, “We could have done anything with it.”
“Except maybe controlled it”
“But the power is there, when we do learn to control it,” Beltran said. “A spaceship. Anything.”
Rafe touched Marjorie’s wrist, very lightly. “For a minute I thought you were on fire. Was that real, Lew?”
I wasn’t sure if this was simply an illusion, the way generations upon generations of the forge-folk had envisioned their goddess, the power which brought metal from the deeps of the earth to their fires and forges. Or was this some objective force from that strange otherworld to which the telepath goes when he steps out of his physical body? I said, “I don’t know, Rafe. How did it seem, Marjorie?”
She said, “I saw the fire. I even felt it, a little, but it didn’t burn me. But I did feel that if I lost control, even for an instant, it would bum up inside and … and take over, so that I was the fire and could leap down and . . . and destroy. I’m not saying this very well. . , .”
Then it was not only me. She too had felt the weapon-rage, the lust for destruction. I was still struggling with their physical aftereffects, the weak trembling of adrenalin expended. If these emotions had actually arisen from within me, I was not fit for this work. Yet, searching within myself, with the discipline of the tower-trained, I found no trace of such emotion within me now.
This disquieted me. If my own hidden emotions—anger I did not acknowledge, repressed desire for one of the women, hidden hostility toward one of the others—had been wrested out of my mind to consume me, then it was a sign I had lost, under stress, my tower-imposed discipline. But those emotions, being mine, I could control. If they were not mine, but had come from elsewhere to fasten upon us, we were all in danger.
I said, “I’m more disturbed than ever about this matrix. The power’s there, yes. But it’s been used as a weapon….”
“And it wants to destroy,” Rafe said unexpectedly, “like the sword in the fairy tale; when you drew it, it would never go back into the scabbard until it had had its drink of blood.”
I said soberly, “A lot of those old fairy tales were based on garbled memories of the Ages of Chaos. Maybe Rafe’s right and it does want blood and destruction.”
Thyra, her eyes brooding, asked, “Don’t all men, just a little? History tells us they do. Darkovans and Terrans too.”
Kadarin laughed. “You were brought up in the Comyn, Lew, so I’ll forgive you for being superstitious.” He put his arm around my shoulders in a warm hug. “I have more faith in the human mind than in forge-folk superstitions.” We were still linked; again I felt the strength that lifted a great weight from my shoulders. I let myself lean against him. He was probably right. My mind had been filled from childhood with these old gods and powers. The science of matrix mechanics had been formulated to get rid of that. I was a skilled technician; why was I letting imagination run away with me?
Kadarin said, “Try again. Now that we know we can control it, it’s all a matter of learning how.”
“It’s always up to the Keeper to decide that,” I said. It troubled me that Marjorie still deferred to me. It was natural enough, for I had trained her, but she must learn that the initiative was hers, to lead, not follow.
She stretched her hand to me, setting up the primary line of force. One by one she brought us into the circle, each of us dropping into his appointed place as if we were scouts on a battlefield. This time I felt her touch Beltran, too, and place him so that he could maintain rapport just outside the circle. This time the force was easier to carry … chained fire, electricity firmly stored in a battery, a firmly bridled racehorse. … I saw the fire leap up around Marjorie, but this time I could see through it. It wasn’t real, just a way of visualizing a force with no physical reality.