The Little Warrior by P. G. Wodehouse

Scarcely had Freddie ceased to administer it to his former friend in a bally nutshell, when Uncle Chris, warm and dishevelled from the dance as interpreted by Mrs Waddesleigh Peagrim, came bustling up, saving Derek the necessity of replying to the harangue.

“Well, Underhill, my dear fellow,” began Uncle Chris affably, attaching himself to the other’s arm, “what — ?”

He broke off, for Derek, freeing his arm with a wrench, turned and walked rapidly away. Derek had no desire to go over the whole thing again with Uncle Chris. He wanted to be alone, to build up, painfully and laboriously, the ruins of his self-esteem. The pride of the Underhills had had a bad evening.

Uncle Chris turned to Freddie.

“What is the matter?” he asked blankly.

“I’ll tell you what’s the jolly old matter!” cried Freddie. “The blighter isn’t going to marry poor Jill after all! He’s changed his rotten mind! It’s off!”

“Off?”

“Absolutely off!”

“Absolutely off?”

“Napoo!” said Freddie. “He’s afraid of what will happen to his blasted career if he marries a girl who’s been in the chorus.”

“But, my dear boy!” Uncle Chris blinked. “But, my dear boy! This is ridiculous — Surely, if I were to speak a word —”

“You can if you like. I wouldn’t speak to the cootie again if you paid me! But it won’t do any good, so what’s the use?”

Slowly Uncle Chris adjusted his mind to the disaster.

“Then you mean — ?”

“It’s off!” said Freddie.

For a moment Uncle Chris stood motionless. Then, with a sudden jerk, he seemed to stiffen his backbone. His face was bleak, but he pulled at his mustache jauntily.

“Morituri te salutant!” he said. “Good-bye, Freddie, my boy.”

He turned away, gallant and upright, the old soldier.

“Where are you going?” asked Freddie.

“Over the top!” said Uncle Chris.

“What do you mean?”

“I am going,” said Uncle Chris steadily, “to find Mrs Peagrim!”

“Good God!” cried Freddie. He followed him, protesting weakly, but the other gave no sign that he had heard. Freddie saw him disappear into the stage-box, and, turning, found Jill at his elbow.

“Where did Uncle Chris go?” asked Jill. “I want to speak to him.”

“He’s in the stage-box, with Mrs Peagrim.”

“With Mrs Peagrim?”

“Proposing to her,” said Freddie solemnly.

Jill stared.

“Proposing to Mrs Peagrim? What do you mean?”

Freddie drew her aside, and began to explain.

4.

In the dimness of the stage-box, his eyes a little glassy and a dull despair in his soul, Uncle Chris was wondering how to begin. In his hot youth he had been rather a devil of a fellow in between dances, a coo-er of soft phrases and a stealer of never very stoutly withheld kisses. He remembered one time in Bangalore — but that had nothing to do with the case. The point was, how to begin with Mrs Peagrim. The fact that twenty-five years ago he had crushed in his arms beneath the shadows of the deodars a girl whose name he had forgotten, though he remembered that she had worn a dress of some pink stuff, was immaterial and irrelevant. Was he to crush Mrs Peagrim in his arms? Not, thought Uncle Chris to himself, on a bet. He contented himself for the moment with bending an intense gaze upon her and asking if she was tired.

“A little,” panted Mrs Peagrim, who, though she danced often and vigorously, was never in the best of condition, owing to her habit of neutralizing the beneficient effects of exercise by surreptitious candy-eating. “I’m a little out of breath.”

Uncle Chris had observed this for himself, and it had not helped him to face his task. Lovely woman loses something of her queenly dignity when she puffs. Inwardly, he was thinking how exactly his hostess resembled the third from the left of a troupe of performing sea-lions which he had seen some years ago on one of his rare visits to a vaudeville house.

“You ought not to tire yourself,” he said with a difficult tenderness.

“I am so fond of dancing,” pleaded Mrs Peagrim. Recovering some of her breath, she gazed at her companion with a sort of short-winded archness. “You are always so sympathetic, Major Selby.”