I had other things to have spoken with her too from
him.
FALSTAFF What are they? let us know.
Host Ay, come; quick.
SIMPLE I may not conceal them, sir.
Host Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne
Page; to know if it were my master’s fortune to
have her or no.
FALSTAFF ‘Tis, ’tis his fortune.
SIMPLE What, sir?
FALSTAFF To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
SIMPLE May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad
with these tidings.
Exit
Host Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was
there a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught
me more wit than ever I learned before in my life;
and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for
my learning.
Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.
BARDOLPH Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came
beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of
them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,
like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not
say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
SIR HUGH EVANS Where is mine host?
Host What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS Have a care of your entertainments: there is a
friend of mine come to town tells me there is three
cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of
Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and
money. I tell you for good will, look you: you
are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and
’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR CAIUS Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat
you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by
my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to
come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit
Host Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am
undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF I would all the world might be cozened; for I have
been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to
the ear of the court, how I have been transformed
and how my transformation hath been washed and
cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by
drop and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant
they would whip me with their fine wits till I were
as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered
since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my
wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF The devil take one party and his dam the other! and
so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more
for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy
of man’s disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;
speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,
is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a
white spot about her.
FALSTAFF What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was
beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;
and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of
Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,
my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,
delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the
stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you
shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your
content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good
hearts, what ado here is to bring you together!
Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that
you are so crossed.
FALSTAFF Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt
Scene 6
Another room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FENTON and Host
Host Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy: I
will give over all.
FENTON Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Host I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at the
least keep your counsel.
FENTON From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who mutually hath answer’d my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the show of both; fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene: the image of the jest
I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.
To-night at Herne’s oak, just ‘twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot
She seemingly obedient likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,
The better to denote her to the doctor,
For they must all be mask’d and vizarded,
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribands pendent, flaring ’bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
FENTON Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church ‘twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
FENTON So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.
Exeunt
Act 5
Scene 1
A room in the Garter Inn.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY
FALSTAFF Prithee, no more prattling; go. I’ll hold. This is
the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd
numbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity in
odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!
MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll provide you a chain; and I’ll do what I can to
get you a pair of horns.
FALSTAFF Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince.
Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY
Enter FORD
How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter
will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the
Park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall
see wonders.
FORD Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me
you had appointed?
FALSTAFF I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor
old man: but I came from her, Master Brook, like a
poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband,
hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him,
Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell
you: he beat me grievously, in the shape of a
woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear
not Goliath with a weaver’s beam; because I know
also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along
with me: I’ll tell you all, Master Brook. Since I
plucked geese, played truant and whipped top, I knew
not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow
me: I’ll tell you strange things of this knave
Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I
will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow.
Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.
Exeunt
Scene 2
Windsor Park.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
PAGE Come, come; we’ll couch i’ the castle-ditch till we
see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender,