PISTOL He hath studied her will, and translated her will,
out of honesty into English.
NYM The anchor is deep: will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her
husband’s purse: he hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL As many devils entertain; and ‘To her, boy,’ say I.
NYM The humour rises; it is good: humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF I have writ me here a letter to her: and here
another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good
eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious
oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my
foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a
greedy intention, that the appetite of her eye did
seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass! Here’s
another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she
is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will
be cheater to them both, and they shall be
exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West
Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou
this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to
Mistress Ford: we will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then, Lucifer take all!
NYM I will run no base humour: here, take the
humour-letter: I will keep the havior of reputation.
FALSTAFF [To ROBIN]
Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o’ the hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of the age,
French thrift, you rogues; myself and skirted page.
Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN
PISTOL Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguiles the rich and poor:
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM I have operations which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL Wilt thou revenge?
NYM By welkin and her star!
PISTOL With wit or steel?
NYM With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL And I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to
deal with poison; I will possess him with
yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous:
that is my true humour.
PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malecontents: I second thee; troop on.
Exeunt
Scene 4
A room in DOCTOR CAIUS’ house.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, SIMPLE, and RUGBY
MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! I pray thee, go to the casement,
and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor
Caius, coming. If he do, i’ faith, and find any
body in the house, here will be an old abusing of
God’s patience and the king’s English.
RUGBY I’ll go watch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in
faith, at the latter end of a sea-coal fire.
Exit RUGBY
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant
shall come in house withal, and, I warrant you, no
tell-tale nor no breed-bate: his worst fault is,
that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish
that way: but nobody but has his fault; but let
that pass. Peter Simple, you say your name is?
SIMPLE Ay, for fault of a better.
MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender’s your master?
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round beard, like a
glover’s paring-knife?
SIMPLE No, forsooth: he hath but a little wee face, with a
little yellow beard, a Cain-coloured beard.
MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth: but he is as tall a man of his hands
as any is between this and his head; he hath fought
with a warrener.
MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you? O, I should remember him: does he not
hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
SIMPLE Yes, indeed, does he.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell
Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your
master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish–
Re-enter RUGBY
RUGBY Out, alas! here comes my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man;
go into this closet: he will not stay long.
Shuts SIMPLE in the closet
What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say!
Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt
he be not well, that he comes not home.
Singing
And down, down, adown-a, &c.
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you,
go and vetch me in my closet un boitier vert, a box,
a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; I’ll fetch it you.
Aside
I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found
the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
DOCTOR CAIUS Fe, fe, fe, fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je
m’en vais a la cour–la grande affaire.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir?
DOCTOR CAIUS Oui; mette le au mon pocket: depeche, quickly. Vere
is dat knave Rugby?
MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! John!
RUGBY Here, sir!
DOCTOR CAIUS You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby. Come,
take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to the court.
RUGBY ‘Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
DOCTOR CAIUS By my trot, I tarry too long. Od’s me!
Qu’ai-j’oublie! dere is some simples in my closet,
dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay me, he’ll find the young man here, and be mad!
DOCTOR CAIUS O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? Villain! larron!
Pulling SIMPLE out
Rugby, my rapier!
MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content.
DOCTOR CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a?
MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man.
DOCTOR CAIUS What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is
no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth
of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
DOCTOR CAIUS Vell.
SIMPLE Ay, forsooth; to desire her to–
MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you.
DOCTOR CAIUS Peace-a your tongue. Speak-a your tale.
SIMPLE To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to
speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my
master in the way of marriage.
MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my
finger in the fire, and need not.
DOCTOR CAIUS Sir Hugh send-a you? Rugby, baille me some paper.
Tarry you a little-a while.
Writes
MISTRESS QUICKLY [Aside to SIMPLE]
I am glad he is so quiet: if he
had been thoroughly moved, you should have heard him
so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding,
man, I’ll do you your master what good I can: and
the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my
master,–I may call him my master, look you, for I
keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake,
scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds and do
all myself,–
SIMPLE [Aside to MISTRESS QUICKLY]
‘Tis a great charge to
come under one body’s hand.
MISTRESS QUICKLY [Aside to SIMPLE]
Are you avised o’ that? you
shall find it a great charge: and to be up early
and down late; but notwithstanding,–to tell you in
your ear; I would have no words of it,–my master
himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page: but
notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind,–that’s
neither here nor there.
DOCTOR CAIUS You jack’nape, give-a this letter to Sir Hugh; by
gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in dee
park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest
to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good
you tarry here. By gar, I will cut all his two
stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw
at his dog:
Exit SIMPLE
MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
DOCTOR CAIUS It is no matter-a ver dat: do not you tell-a me
dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I
vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine
host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, I
will myself have Anne Page.
MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We
must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
DOCTOR CAIUS Rugby, come to the court with me. By gar, if I have