odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you
saw.
SHALLOW I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never
heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so
wide of his own respect.
SIR HUGH EVANS What is he?
PAGE I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the
renowned French physician.
SIR HUGH EVANS Got’s will, and his passion of my heart! I had as
lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE Why?
SIR HUGH EVANS He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,
–and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you
would desires to be acquainted withal.
PAGE I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
SHALLOW [Aside]
O sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:
here comes Doctor Caius.
Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
PAGE Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW So do you, good master doctor.
Host Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep
their limbs whole and hack our English.
DOCTOR CAIUS I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?
SIR HUGH EVANS [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS]
Pray you, use your patience:
in good time.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
SIR HUGH EVANS [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS]
Pray you let us not be
laughing-stocks to other men’s humours; I desire you
in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
Aloud
I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cockscomb
for missing your meetings and appointments.
DOCTOR CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby,–mine host de Jarteer,–have I
not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place
I did appoint?
SIR HUGH EVANS As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the
place appointed: I’ll be judgement by mine host of
the Garter.
Host Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer!
DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, dat is very good; excellent.
Host Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I
politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I
lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the
motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir
Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me
thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have
deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong
places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are
whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay
their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;
follow, follow, follow.
SHALLOW Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.
SLENDER [Aside]
O sweet Anne Page!
Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host
DOCTOR CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of
us, ha, ha?
SIR HUGH EVANS This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I
desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog
our prains together to be revenge on this same
scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me
where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
SIR HUGH EVANS Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.
Exeunt
Scene 2
A street.
Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to
be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether
had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?
ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man
than follow him like a dwarf.
MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier.
Enter FORD
FORD Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?
MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?
FORD Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want
of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,
you two would marry.
MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that,–two other husbands.
FORD Where had you this pretty weather-cock?
MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my
husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s
name, sirrah?
ROBIN Sir John Falstaff.
FORD Sir John Falstaff!
MISTRESS PAGE He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a
league between my good man and he! Is your wife at
home indeed?
FORD Indeed she is.
MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.
Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN
FORD Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any
thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.
Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as
easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve
score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he
gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she’s
going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A
man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And
Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;
and our revolted wives share damnation together.
Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck
the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming
Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and
wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all
my neighbours shall cry aim.
Clock heard
The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me
search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be
rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as
positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is
there: I will go.
Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY
SHALLOW, PAGE, &C. Well met, Master Ford.
FORD Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;
and I pray you all go with me.
SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford.
SLENDER And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with
Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for
more money than I’ll speak of.
SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and
my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.
SLENDER I hope I have your good will, father Page.
PAGE You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:
but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.
DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush.
Host What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he
dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he
speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will
carry’t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons; he
will carry’t.
PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is
of no having: he kept company with the wild prince
and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too
much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes
with the finger of my substance: if he take her,
let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on
my consent, and my consent goes not that way.
FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me
to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have
sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,
you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh.
SHALLOW Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing
at Master Page’s.
Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER
DOCTOR CAIUS Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.
Exit RUGBY
Host Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight
Falstaff, and drink canary with him.
Exit
FORD [Aside]
I think I shall drink in pipe wine first
with him; I’ll make him dance. Will you go, gentles?
All Have with you to see this monster.
Exeunt
Scene 3
A room in FORD’S house.
Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert!
MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket–
MISTRESS FORD I warrant. What, Robin, I say!
Enter Servants with a basket
MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come.
MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.
MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge; we must be brief.
MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be
ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I
suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause
or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:
that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry
it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there
empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
MISTRESS PAGE You will do it?
MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over; they lack no
direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
Exeunt Servants
MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.