He did not hear my profanity, either. He went on, “You understand everything about it but the key point, which is—the girl didn’t know.”
“Hell’s bells, she was there.”
“So she was. Son, did you ever know me to lie to you?”
“No,” I admitted, “but I don’t think you would hesitate.”
He looked pained but answered, “Maybe I deserve that. I’d lie to one of my own people if the country’s safety depended on it. I haven’t found it necessary up till now because I’ve been choosy about who works for me. But this time the country’s welfare doesn’t depend on it and I’m not lying and you’ll just have to test it for yourself, any way you can figure out, and make up your mind whether or not I’m lying. That girl didn’t know. She didn’t know you were going to be in that room. She didn’t know why you were in there. She didn’t know that there was any question about who was going to sit in that chair. She didn’t have the faintest suspicion that I didn’t mean for her to go through with it, or that I had already decided that you were the only party who would suit me, even if I had to have you tied down and forced—which I would have done, if I hadn’t had a double whammy up my sleeve to trick you into volunteering. Hell’s bells yourself, son; she didn’t even know you were off the sick list.”
I wanted to believe it, so I did my damnedest not to believe it. If it were a lie, it would be just the shape of lie he would tell. As to whether he would bother to lie—well, getting two prime agents back into the groove might be something he would class, just now, as involving the country’s safety. The Old Man had a complex mind.
“Look at me!” he added. I snapped out of my brown study and looked up. “There is something else I want you to know and I want to rub your nose in it. First off, let me say that everybody—including me—appreciates what you did, regardless of your motives. I’m putting in a letter about it and no doubt there will be a medal in due time. That stands, whether you stay with the Section or not. And if you go, I’ll help you with any transfer or such you may want.”
He paused for breath, then went on. “But don’t go giving yourself airs as a little tin hero—”
“I won’t!”
“—because that medal is going to the wrong person. Mary ought to get it.
“Now hush up; I’m not through. You had to be forced into it, like building a fire under a mule. No criticism; you had been through plenty. But Mary was a real, honest-to-God, Simon-pure volunteer. When she sat down in that chair, she didn’t know what was going to happen to her. She didn’t expect any last minute reprieve and she had every reason to believe that, if she got up alive, her reason would be gone, which is worse. But she did it—because she is a hero, which you miss by a couple of points.”
He went on without waiting for me to reply; “Listen, son—most women are damn fools and children. But they’ve got more range than we’ve got. The brave ones are braver, the good ones are better—and the vile ones are viler, for that matter. What I’m trying to tell you is: this one is more of a man than you are and you’ve done her a serious wrong.”
I was so churned up inside that I could not judge for the life of me whether he was telling the truth, or manipulating me again. I said, “Maybe so. Maybe I lashed out at the wrong person. But if what you say is true—”
“It is.”
“—it doesn’t make what you did any sweeter; it makes it worse.”
He took it without flinching. “Son, I’m sorry if I’ve lost your respect. But I’d do it again under the same circumstances. I can’t be choosy about such things any more than can a commander in battle. Less, because I fight with different weapons. I’ve always been able to shoot my own dog. Maybe that’s good; maybe that’s bad—but that is what my job takes. If you are ever in my shoes, you’ll have to do it, too.”