“No.”
He covered his eyes and did not answer at once. When he did his voice was barely audible. “You’ve found nothing — yet?” Randall shook his head. “Then perhaps it is wiser to drop the matter now. Some things are better never known.”
His evident distress and helplessness, combined with the favorable impression his apartment had made on her, aroused in Cynthia a sympathy which she would have thought impossible the evening before. She leaned toward him. “Why should you be so distressed, Mr. Hoag? You have no reason to think that you have done anything to be afraid of — have you?”
“No. No, nothing really. Nothing but an overpowering apprehension.”
“But why?”
“Mrs. Randall, have you ever heard a noise behind you and been afraid to look around? Have you ever awakened in the night and kept your eyes tightly shut rather than find out what it was that had startled you? Some evils reach their full effect only when acknowledged and faced.
“I don’t dare face this one,” he added. “I thought that I did, but I was mistaken.”
“Come now,” she said kindly, “facts are never as bad as our fears — ”
“Why do you say so? Why shouldn’t they be much worse?”
“Why, because they just aren’t.” She stopped, suddenly conscious that her Pollyanna saying had no truth in it, that it was the sort of thing adults use to pacify children. She thought of her own mother, who had gone to the hospital, fearing an appendectomy — which her friends and loving family privately diagnosed as hypochondria — there to die, of cancer.
No, the facts were frequently worse than our most nervous fears.
Still, she could not agree with him. “Suppose we look at it in the worst possible light,” she suggested. “Suppose you have been doing something criminal, while in your memory lapses. No court in the State would hold you legally responsible for your actions.”
He looked at her wildly. “No. No, perhaps they would not. But you know what they would do? You do, don’t you? Have you any idea what they do with the criminally insane?”
“I certainly do,” she answered positively. “They receive the same treatment as any other psycho patient. They aren’t discriminated against. I know; I’ve done field work at the State Hospital.”
“Suppose you have — you looked at it from the outside. Have you any idea what it feels like from the inside? Have you ever been placed in a wet pack? Have you ever had a guard put you to bed? Or force you to eat? Do you know what it’s like to have a key turned in a lock every time you make a move? Never to have any privacy no matter how much you need it?”
He got up and began to pace. “But that isn’t the worst of it. It’s the other patients. Do you imagine that a man, simply because his own mind is playing him tricks, doesn’t recognize insanity in others? Some of them drool and some of them have habits too beastly to tell of. And they talk, they talk, they talk. Can you imagine lying in a bed, with the sheet bound down, and a thing in the next bed that keeps repeating, ‘The little bird flew up and then flew away; the little bird flew up and then flew away; the little bird flew up, and then flew away — ‘”
“Mr. Hoag!” Randall stood up and took him by the arm. “Mr. Hoag — control yourself! That’s no way to behave.”
Hoag stopped, looking bewildered. He looked from one face to the other and an expression of shame came over him. “I…I’m sorry, Mrs. Randall,” he said. “I quite forgot myself. I’m not myself today. All this worry — ”
“It’s all right, Mr. Hoag,” she said stiffly. But her earlier revulsion had returned.
“It’s not entirely all right,” Randall amended. “I think the time has come to get a number of things cleared up. There has been entirely too much going on that I don’t understand and I think it is up to you, Mr. Hoag, to give me a few plain answers.”