But the blond man looked away then, at the girls on the couch between Shawme and his soldier friends, and held out a hand to one of them, who squealed, “Oh, Walegrin, you’re looking fit tonight,” and giggled.
In relief, Shawme squeezed her eyes shut. In that solitary darkness, her relief was eaten up by chagrin. Then came embarrassment and mortification, shame and despair. No man was going to choose her. She was going to fail. All the other girls would laugh at her.
She thought to herself, Perhaps it’s the mandrake. Perhaps it’s ugly.
Perhaps it’s working too well and keeping the men away So she reached up behind her neck, eyes still shut, and undid the thong that held it there
When the thong came undone, she opened her eyes and surreptitiously pulled the mandrake from between her breasts, hiding it behind her, under the cushions of the bench against the wall
When she straightened up, a shadow fell on her She looked up And up Standing directly in front of her was the fourth man, the one who’d come in alone.
She thought wildly. He’s not here for me, he’s going to ask one of the girls on the couch. But all of them were gone While she’d had her eyes shut, they’d left with the blond soldier and his friends
There was no one else in this comer, darkened by the big man’s shadow, but Shawme She craned her neck, unable to nse as a girl should, her knees like water
He seemed gigantic, all dark cloth and leather She looked up past his weapons belt at eye level, and could hardly see his face, just the dark shadow of new beard and a hand that came suddenly toward her.
“Young lady,” his deep voice said, “what’s your name9”
“Sh-Shawme,” she quavered and hated herself His hand was waiting Somehow, she lifted hers. Then, with his help, she was standing
“Your room, if you please,” said the voice and still she had no clear impression of his face Her gaze was level with his broad chest, and his eyes beat down on her with such fire in them-as only those of Dika the peregnne had ever done before
Too late to run, the deed all but done, she remembered her training “A dnnk, kind sir, or something stronger9” Drugs were purveyed at Myrtis’s-drugs to embolden, drugs to give stamina, drugs to make up for whatever needed making up for, so Myrtis had told her
“I’m known as Shepherd, little lamb,” he said and she knew from that he wanted no dnnk or anything at all but her
At the last minute, while his hand inexorably drew her from the corner toward the stairs, she remembered the charm that Merncat had given her, her mandrake root, without which this man was soon going to know she was a virgin.
Anguished, she halted, their arms stretched out between them, without the strength to pull away His big head turned questioningly and she saw his profile for the first time a grown man’s profile, hard and seasoned, a bold nose and lips trying hard not to laugh above a stubbled chin This was a stark man, a man from whom you ran on the streets because such men took what they wanted There was no fooling such a man as he
“I-I forgot something, left something on the bench ”
“You don’t need that, not with me,” he said with such authority that Shawme could do nothing but obey the pressure of his tug, which pulled her in and under the circle of his arm
Up the stairs they went the big man’s right arm crooked around her neck, her right hand pressed against her collarbone by his grip, his fingers against her throat She hadn’t remembered the stairs being so many, or the trek to her backroom bed so long His breath in her hair was hot and the things he said were a matter of tone, not words
The tone said. You’re mine, I’m in control Relax and you’ll be fine. The words said whatever Shepherd thought she should hear, but she heard only an end to her childhood in them
It didn’t matter what the words were, it didn’t matter that she took moisture from his lips to wet her own It didn’t matter that he wasn’t Zip, even It only mattered that she not fail, that he not be angry when her virgin blood was spilled, when her lack of expertise was on display
When they got to her room, Shepherd wanted no help with his leathers or his weapons Help with his boots was something any fool could give And then he helped her, wordless and with a strange look on a face that seemed unaccustomed to humor or kindness but displayed both in redbrown, fiery eyes, eyes so much like Dika’s
When it became clear to him that she was unworthy of the job she held, ignorant and ill-prepared, an imposter, she was sure he’d leave her, go straight to Myrtis and complain. But he did none of those
He treated her like fragile glass, like the musicians below m the saloon treated their instruments And soon enough she was learning, under his hands, why the other girls went to work smiling each evening.
She learned enough so that, when the moment came for her skirts to come off, she was forgetful of everything what he must soon find out, how disappointment and disgust would oversweep him, even of what form his wrath might take.
And then it happened Shepherd sat back on her bed, his diaphragm with its line of dark hair quivering, and said, “Take that off” His voice was very harsh “Put it on the table Now'”
“It?” She was breathless, her voice a fear-constncted squeak How could she take off her virginity? How could he even see it? He’d just this moment glimpsed her unclothed form
Then she followed the big man’s pointing finger, and relief flooded her The silver tube was what he meant The sea-gift, the one Memcat had advised her to keep “This9” she said with fake aplomb. “I always wear it”
“Not with me, you don’t.” He rose up, off the bed, and she saw his body start to change Chest heaving, she blurted, “Please, don’t go I’ll take it off”
Hands on hips, he waited until she had. Then he took her in his arms and, his lips against her breast, said, “The rest of it, I can handle. Just trust me, lamb.”
And somehow, she whispered to him, “But I don’t know . . . I’ve never … I don’t have anything to offer you, no tricks, no skill-”
“You have something none of those others could offer, lamb,” he replied in a rumble that made her legs weak. “Something only you can give. And for it, I’m going to give you a lesson in love as has never been taught in Sanctuary.”
And then she knew that Shepherd knew, somehow, and that he wasn’t going to be angry no matter if she bled all night. What she didn’t know, until he tapped her on the mouth with a reddened finger, was that it didn’t have to hurt to become a woman.
Anymore than she’d known anything about the joys of womanhood that lay beyond her body’s barrier, all of which the man called Shepherd showed her before, while she dozed, he slipped away, leaving a piece of gold upon her pillow.
“Wake up, wake up!” said Merricat, shaking Shawme’s shoulder. Behind Merricat, Randal hovered in the doorway, with Myrtis beside her. And Myrtis was wringing her veiny hands, saying, “, . . this is highly irregular, mage, and the least you can do for me, since I allowed it, is make our weather-control spell your first priority.”
“Later, Madame,” said Randal. “Now leave us, if you please.”
Shawme was rubbing her eyes and stretching widely, still unaware that there was a man in the open doorway behind Merricat.
“Merri!” Shawme smiled with delight. “What are you doing here? Never mind, I’ve got so much to tell-” Shawme saw Randal and stopped speaking. She pulled her coverlet up around her neck and hunched in her bed.
“Shawme, this is important,” Merricat said quickly in a low voice. “That’s Randal the mage. He wants to talk to you. About thai.” Merricat pointed to the silver tube on the table beside Shawme’s bed.
“That?” Puzzlement crossed Shawme’s face. “It doesn’t matter. Thank you for the mandrake, Merricat. Thank Dika. I had the most wonderful-”
Randal crossed the room in quick strides. “Pardon the intrusion, miss, but did you-?” Randal stopped and looked at Merricat imploringly.
“Shawme,” Merricat demanded, leaning over the other girl stiff-armed and reaching for something glinting gold on the pillow with her other hand. “Does this mean what I think?” She fingered the gold soldat.
“Oh, yes, and it was wonderful! I can’t tell you how wond-“