“That’s very good of you,” he said, twisting his reluctant features into a fairly benevolent smile.
“I can ‘elp!” persisted Albert. “Got a cigaroot?”
“Do you smoke, child?”
“When I get ‘old of a cigaroot I do.”
“I’m sorry I can’t oblige you. I don’t smoke cigarettes.”
“Then I’ll ‘ave to ‘ave one of my own,” said Albert moodily.
He reached into the mysteries of his pocket and produced a piece of string, a knife, the wishbone of a fowl, two marbles, a crushed cigarette, and a match. Replacing the string, the knife, the wishbone and the marbles, he ignited the match against the tightest part of his person and lit the cigarette.
“I can help yer. I know the ropes.”
“And smoke them,” said George, wincing.
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.”
Albert took an enjoyable whiff.
“I know all about yer.”
“You do?”
“You and Lidy Mord.”
“Oh, you do, do you?”
“I was listening at the key-‘ole while the row was goin’ on.”
“There was a row, was there?”
A faint smile of retrospective enjoyment lit up Albert’s face. “An orful row! Shoutin’ and yellin’ and cussin’ all over the shop. About you and Lidy Maud.”
“And you drank it in, eh?”
“Pardon?”
“I say, you listened?”
“Not ‘arf I listened. Seeing I’d just drawn you in the sweepstike, of course, I listened–not ‘arf!”
George did not follow him here.
“The sweepstike? What’s a sweepstike?”
“Why, a thing you puts names in ‘ats and draw ’em and the one that gets the winning name wins the money.”
“Oh, you mean a sweepstake!”
“That’s wot I said–a sweepstike.”
George was still puzzled.
“But I don’t understand. How do you mean you drew me in a sweepstike–I mean a sweepstake? What sweepstake?”
“Down in the servants’ ‘all. Keggs, the butler, started it. I ‘eard ‘im say he always ‘ad one every place ‘e was in as a butler– leastways, whenever there was any dorters of the ‘ouse. There’s always a chance, when there’s a ‘ouse-party, of one of the dorters of the ‘ouse gettin’ married to one of the gents in the party, so Keggs ‘e puts all of the gents’ names in an ‘at, and you pay five shillings for a chance, and the one that draws the winning name gets the money. And if the dorter of the ‘ouse don’t get married that time, the money’s put away and added to the pool for the next ‘ouse-party.”
George gasped. This revelation of life below stairs in the stately homes of England took his breath away. Then astonishment gave way to indignation.
“Do you mean to tell me that you–you worms–made Lady Maud the–the prize of a sweepstake!”
Albert was hurt.
“Who’re yer calling worms?”
George perceived the need of diplomacy. After all much depended on this child’s goodwill.
“I was referring to the butler–what’s his name–Keggs.”
“‘E ain’t a worm. ‘E’s a serpint.” Albert drew at his cigarette. His brow darkened. “‘E does the drawing, Keggs does, and I’d like to know ‘ow it is ‘e always manages to cop the fav’rit!”
Albert chuckled.
“But this time I done him proper. ‘E didn’t want me in the thing at all. Said I was too young. Tried to do the drawin’ without me. ‘Clip that boy one side of the ‘ead!’ ‘e says, ‘and turn ‘im out!’ ‘e says. I says, ‘Yus, you will!’ I says. ‘And wot price me goin’ to ‘is lordship and blowing the gaff?’ I says. ‘E says, ‘Oh, orl right!’ ‘e says. ‘Ave it yer own way!’ ‘e says.
“‘Where’s yer five shillings?’ ‘e says. “Ere yer are!’ I says. ‘Oh, very well,’ ‘e says. ‘But you’ll ‘ave to draw last,’ ‘e says, ‘bein’ the youngest.’ Well, they started drawing the names, and of course Keggs ‘as to draw Mr. Byng.”
“Oh, he drew Mr. Byng, did he?”
“Yus. And everyone knew Reggie was the fav’rit. Smiled all over his fat face, the old serpint did! And when it come to my turn, ‘e says to me, ‘Sorry, Elbert!’ ‘e says, ‘but there ain’t no more names. They’ve give out!’ ‘Oh, they ‘ave, ‘ave they?’ I says, ‘Well, wot’s the matter with giving a fellow a sporting chance?’ I says. ‘Ow do you mean?’ ‘e says. ‘Why, write me out a ticket marked “Mr. X.”,’ I says. ‘Then, if ‘er lidyship marries anyone not in the ‘ouse-party, I cop!’ ‘Orl right,’ ‘e says, ‘but you know the conditions of this ‘ere sweep. Nothin’ don’t count only wot tikes plice during the two weeks of the ‘ouse-party,’ ‘e says. ‘Orl right,’ I says. ‘Write me ticket. It’s a fair sportin’ venture.’ So ‘e writes me out me ticket, with ‘Mr. X.’ on it, and I says to them all, I says, ‘I’d like to ‘ave witnesses’, I says, ‘to this ‘ere thing. Do all you gents agree that if anyone not in the ‘ouse-party and ‘oo’s name ain’t on one of the other tickets marries ‘er lidyship, I get the pool?’ I says. They all says that’s right, and then I says to ’em all straight out, I says, ‘I ‘appen to know’, I says, ‘that ‘er lidyship is in love with a gent that’s not in the party at all. An American gent,’ I says. They wouldn’t believe it at first, but, when Keggs ‘ad put two and two together, and thought of one or two things that ‘ad ‘appened, ‘e turned as white as a sheet and said it was a swindle and wanted the drawin’ done over again, but the others says ‘No’, they says, ‘it’s quite fair,’ they says, and one of ’em offered me ten bob slap out for my ticket. But I stuck to it, I did. And that,” concluded Albert throwing the cigarette into the fire-place just in time to prevent a scorched finger, “that’s why I’m going to ‘elp yer!”