Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories by Mark Twain

you born?

A. In Missouri.

Q. When did you begin to write?

A. In 1836.

Q. Why, how could that be, if you are only nineteen now?

A. I don’t know. It does seem curious, somehow.

Q. It does, indeed. Whom do you consider the most remarkable man you

ever met?

A. Aaron Burr.

Q. But you never could have met Aaron Burr, if you are only nineteen

years!

A. Now, if you know more about me than I do, what do you ask me for?

Q. Well, it was only a suggestion; nothing more. How did you happen to

meet Burr?

A. Well, I happened to be at his funeral one day, and he asked me to

make less noise, and–

Q. But, good heavens! if you were at his funeral, he must have been

dead, and if he was dead how could he care whether you made a noise or

not?

A. I don’t know. He was always a particular kind of a man that way.

Q. Still, I don’t understand it at all, You say he spoke to you, and

that he was dead.

A. I didn’t say he was dead.

Q. But wasn’t he dead?

A. Well, some said he was, some said he wasn’t.

Q. What did you think?

A. Oh, it was none of my business! It wasn’t any of my funeral.

Q. Did you– However, we can never get this matter straight. Let me ask

about something else. What was the date of your birth?

A. Monday, October 31, 1693.

Q. What! Impossible! That would make you a hundred and eighty years

old. How do you account for that?

A. I don’t account for it at all.

Q. But you said at first you were only nineteen, and now you make

yourself out to be one hundred and eighty. It is an awful discrepancy.

A. Why, have you noticed that? (Shaking hands.) Many a time it has

seemed to me like a discrepancy, but somehow I couldn’t make up my mind.

How quick you notice a thing!

Q. Thank you for the compliment, as far as it goes. Had you, or have

you, any brothers or sisters?

A. Eh! I–I–I think so–yes–but I don’t remember.

Q. Well, that is the most extraordinary statement I ever heard!

A. Why, what makes you think that?

Q. How could I think otherwise? Why, look here! Who is this a picture

of on the wall? Isn’t that a brother of yours?

A. Oh, yes, yes, yes! Now you remind me of it; that was a brother of

mine. That’s William–Bill we called him. Poor old Bill!

Q. Why? Is he dead, then?

A. Ah! well, I suppose so. We never could tell. There was a great

mystery about it.

Q. That is sad, very sad. He disappeared, then?

A. Well, yes, in a sort of general way. We buried him.

Q. Buried him! Buried him, without knowing whether he was dead or not?

A. Oh, no! Not that. He was dead enough.

Q. Well, I confess that I can’t understand this. If you buried him, and

you knew he was dead

A. No! no! We only thought he was.

Q. Oh, I see! He came to life again?

A. I bet he didn’t.

Q. Well, I never heard anything like this. Somebody was dead. Somebody

was buried. Now, where was the mystery?

A. Ah! that’s just it! That’s it exactly. You see, we were twins–

defunct–and I–and we got mixed in the bathtub when we were only two

weeks old, and one of us was drowned. But we didn’t know which. Some

think it was Bill. Some think it was me.

Q. Well, that is remarkable. What do you think?

A. Goodness knows! I would give whole worlds to know. This solemn,

this awful mystery has cast a gloom over my whole life. But I will tell

you a secret now, which I never have revealed to any creature before.

One of us had a peculiar mark–a large mole on the back of his left hand;

that was me. That child was the one that was drowned!

Q. Very well, then, I don’t see that there is any mystery about it,

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