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Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories by Mark Twain

and sympathy. He told it something like this:

My parents died, alas, when I was a little, sinless child. My uncle

Ithuriel took me to his heart and reared me as his own. He was my only

relative in the wide world; but he was good and rich and generous. He

reared me in the lap of luxury. I knew no want that money could satisfy.

In the fullness of time I was graduated, and went with two of my

servants–my chamberlain and my valet–to travel in foreign countries.

During four years I flitted upon careless wing amid the beauteous gardens

of the distant strand, if you will permit this form of speech in one

whose tongue was ever attuned to poesy; and indeed I so speak with

confidence, as one unto his kind, for I perceive by your eyes that you

too, sir, are gifted with the divine inflation. In those far lands I

reveled in the ambrosial food that fructifies the soul, the mind, the

heart. But of all things, that which most appealed to my inborn esthetic

taste was the prevailing custom there, among the rich, of making

collections of elegant and costly rarities, dainty objets de vertu, and

in an evil hour I tried to uplift my uncle Ithuriel to a plane of

sympathy with this exquisite employment.

I wrote and told him of one gentleman’s vast collection of shells;

another’s noble collection of meerschaum pipes; another’s elevating and

refining collection of undecipherable autographs; another’s priceless

collection of old china; another’s enchanting collection of postage-

stamps–and so forth and so on. Soon my letters yielded fruit. My uncle

began to look about for something to make a collection of. You may know,

perhaps, how fleetly a taste like this dilates. His soon became a raging

fever, though I knew it not. He began to neglect his great pork

business; presently he wholly retired and turned an elegant leisure into

a rabid search for curious things. His wealth was vast, and he spared it

not. First he tried cow-bells. He made a collection which filled five

large salons, and comprehended all the different sorts of cow-bells that

ever had been contrived, save one. That one–an antique, and the only

specimen extant–was possessed by another collector. My uncle offered

enormous sums for it, but the gentleman would not sell. Doubtless you

know what necessarily resulted. A true collector attaches no value to

a collection that is not complete. His great heart breaks, he sells his

hoard, he turns his mind to some field that seems unoccupied.

Thus did my uncle. He next tried brickbats. After piling up a vast and

intensely interesting collection, the former difficulty supervened; his

great heart broke again; he sold out his soul’s idol to the retired

brewer who possessed the missing brick. Then he tried flint hatchets and

other implements of Primeval Man, but by and by discovered that the

factory where they were made was supplying other collectors as well as

himself. He tried Aztec inscriptions and stuffed whales–another

failure, after incredible labor and expense. When his collection seemed

at last perfect, a stuffed whale arrived from Greenland and an Aztec

inscription from the Cundurango regions of Central America that made all

former specimens insignificant. My uncle hastened to secure these noble

gems. He got the stuffed whale, but another collector got the

inscription. A real Cundurango, as possibly you know, is a possession of

such supreme value that, when once a collector gets it, he will rather

part with his family than with it. So my uncle sold out, and saw his

darlings go forth, never more to return; and his coal-black hair turned

white as snow in a single night.

Now he waited, and thought. He knew another disappointment might kill

him. He was resolved that he would choose things next time that no other

man was collecting. He carefully made up his mind, and once more entered

the field-this time to make a collection of echoes.

“Of what?” said I.

Echoes, sir. His first purchase was an echo in Georgia that repeated

four times; his next was a six-repeater in Maryland; his next was a

thirteen-repeater in Maine; his next was a nine-repeater in Kansas; his

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Categories: Twain, Mark
curiosity: