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Alonzo Fitz and Other Stories by Mark Twain

edges of it; took the mucilage and pasted it in my hat so as to cover the

manufacturer’s name. He said, “No one will know now where you got it.

I will send you a hat-tip of my hatter, and you can paste it over this

tissue circle.” It was the calmest, coolest thing–I never admired a man

so much in my life. Mind, he did this while his own hat sat offensively

near our noses, on the table–an ancient extinguisher of the “slouch”

pattern, limp and shapeless with age, discolored by vicissitudes of the

weather, and banded by an equator of bear’s grease that had stewed

through.

Another time he examined my coat. I had no terrors, for over my tailor’s

door was the legend, “By Special Appointment Tailor to H. R. H. the

Prince of Wales,” etc. I did not know at the time that the most of the

tailor shops had the same sign out, and that whereas it takes nine

tailors to make an ordinary man, it takes a hundred and fifty to make a

prince. He was full of compassion for my coat. Wrote down the address

of his tailor for me. Did not tell me to mention my nom de plume and the

tailor would put his best work on my garment, as complimentary people

sometimes do, but said his tailor would hardly trouble himself for an

unknown person (unknown person, when I thought I was so celebrated in

England!–that was the cruelest cut), but cautioned me to mention his

name, and it would be all right. Thinking to be facetious, I said:

“But he might sit up all night and injure his health.”

“Well, let him,” said Rogers; “I’ve done enough for him, for him to show

some appreciation of it.”

I might as well have tried to disconcert a mummy with my facetiousness.

Said Rogers: “I get all my coats there–they’re the only coats fit to be

seen in.”

I made one more attempt. I said, “I wish you had brought one with you–

I would like to look at it.”

“Bless your heart, haven’t I got one on?–this article is Morgan’s make.”

I examined it. The coat had been bought ready-made, of a Chatham Street

Jew, without any question–about 1848. It probably cost four dollars

when it was new. It was ripped, it was frayed, it was napless and

greasy. I could not resist showing him where it was ripped. It so

affected him that I was almost sorry I had done it. First he seemed

plunged into a bottomless abyss of grief. Then he roused himself, made a

feint with his hands as if waving off the pity of a nation, and said–

with what seemed to me a manufactured emotion–“No matter; no matter;

don’t mind me; do not bother about it. I can get another.”

When he was thoroughly restored, so that he could examine the rip and

command his feelings, he said, ah, now he understood it–his servant must

have done it while dressing him that morning.

His servant! There was something awe-inspiring in effrontery like this.

Nearly every day he interested himself in some article of my clothing.

One would hardly have expected this sort of infatuation in a man who

always wore the same suit, and it a suit that seemed coeval with the

Conquest.

It was an unworthy ambition, perhaps, but I did wish I could make this

man admire something about me or something I did–you would have felt the

same way. I saw my opportunity: I was about to return to London, and had

“listed” my soiled linen for the, wash. It made quite au imposing

mountain in the corner of the room–fifty-four pieces. I hoped he would

fancy it was the accumulation of a single week. I took up the wash-list,

as if to see that it was all right, and then tossed it on the table, with

pretended forgetfulness. Sure enough, he took it. up and ran his eye

along down to the grand total. Then he said, “You get off easy,” and

laid it down again.

His gloves were the saddest ruin, but he told me where I could get some

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Categories: Twain, Mark
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